Top Tips (part 6)

If there's one thing the world needs more of, it's silly advice of a non-serious nature. Coincidentally, that's exactly what this week's blog post features, as this week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog collects another round-up of lighthearted top tips.

Editor's note: "Charles, that's the wrong type of 'tip'."
Charles: "Oops, sorry!"

To get the ball rolling, here's a tip for mischievous drivers...

1) Fool car passengers into thinking you've kidnapped a helpful person by placing your satnav in the boot.




2) Lazy people. Call your dog 'Ten Miles', then you can honestly tell people you walked 'Ten Miles' today.

Paradoxes (part 3)

When I was younger, I was fascinated by Ascending and Descending by M.S. Escher which shows a paradoxical image of a perpetually rising staircase. Admittedly, you probably don't care about my childhood fascinations, after all, I'm just a random stranger on the internet! However, it does give me a way to lead into this week's blog post, as this week I feature another round up of light-hearted paradoxes.

Why did Pinocchio's nose never grow 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot!

1) The Pinocchio Paradox

If Pinnochio said his nose was about to grow, would it?

2) The Dog's Dinner Paradox

If you make a complete dog's dinner of your new pet food recipe, has it been a success or not!?

Cats and dogs (part 5)

National Pet Day falls on 11th April, so this week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog pays tribute to our furry friends with another blog post on cats and dogs.

Cats and dogs make a welcome return to the Charles Fudgemuffin blog.

1) When you go to work each morning, your dog probably thinks you're going for a walk on your own for eight hours.



2) On a related note, the reason why dogs love destroying shoes is probably because they see humans putting them on before they leave the house.

Teddy bear jokes and facts

My latest book 'Planet Of The Teddy Bears' was released this week, so to promote it, this week's blog post features a selection of teddy bear memes, teddy bear jokes, and random teddy bear facts.

Planet Of The Teddy Bears
by Charles Fudgemuffin

1) The world's largest teddy bear

Have you ever wondered how big the world's largest teddy bear is? Then wonder no more!

The world's largest teddy bear is a massive 55 foot tall, and is located at the Exploration Place in Wichita, Kansas.

To help you put that into perspective, a bowling lane is approximately 60 foot long, so it's almost as tall as a bowling lane is long!

So if you were planning on buying it, then I hope you've got a very big house! Also, I hope you're prepared to be disappointed, because the Exploration Place probably won't sell it.

Discaimer: Apologies to anyone who hasn't ever wondered
how big the world's largest teddy bear is. I'll try
to more accurately predict your teddy bear themed
wonderings when coming up with future facts.

Bad advice

Legal disclaimer: The advice contained in this article is clearly labelled as bad advice. That means it would be foolish to follow it. Charles Fudgemuffin accepts no liability in the event that any fools happen to be reading this, and decide to ignore my warning and follow the bad advice anyway. Those who do follow the bad advice do so at their own risk.

"Oo! Is that for me!?"
"No, you said you didn't want anything."

Okay, now that I've got the warning out of the way, let's move on to the bad advice...

1) Bad advice for boyfriends (part 1)

If your girlfriend says, 'Don't get me any presents for my birthday,' don't get her any. It will show her that you're a good listener.

2) Bad advice for writers

Be sure to keep your ink pens clean by throwing them in with the laundry.

Funny supermarket photos (part 4)

It's time for another trip to the store, as this week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog features another round-up of noteworthy photos from the supermarket.

1) Happy donuts

To start things off on a positive note, look at the joy on the faces of these 'happy' donuts!

Credit: Imgur

The donut on the right looks particularly ecstatic.

1st donut: "Hey's what's eating you?"
2nd donut: "Nobody ... yet."

Taking things literally

This week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog takes a look at a few examples where things were taken just a little bit too literally.

1) The top states to live in

If you're American and you've ever wondered what the top states to live in are, then the following image provides the answer.

Bonus Alaska joke:

An Alaskan was on trial, and the prosecutor asked him, "Where were you on the night of October to April?"

No Smoking Day (part 3)

By the 1950s, tobacco companies (and governments) knew that smoking was bad for people's health, but it wasn't until years later that they finally admitted it. For years they enlisted scientists and the media to smear those who warned the public about the dangers of smoking. Sadly, their lies worked, because it wasn't until 1982* that cigarette sales finally started to drop in the United States.

* Source: https://tobaccocontrol.bmj.com/content/21/2/87

Since the truth finally leaked out about smoking, thousands of people every year try to give up smoking, and in fact there's even a day especially for that purpose, creatively named ... No Smoking Day! This year No Smoking Day falls on 13th March, so to 'celebrate', this week's blog post features a no smoking theme.

1) The simplest way to give up is to follow the example of this statue, and just say no.

Just say no.

"No thanks, mate. They stunt your growth."

Credit: Reddit

Captcha memes and jokes

One thing I find annoying about the internet is having to fill out captchas to prove I'm not a robot.

However, the good news is that although this week's blog post features several captchas, you won't have to fill any of them out, because the captchas below aren't real captchas. They're just silly memes!

1) Bugs captcha

At first glance, any insect experts reading this* may think that the following captcha is right up their street. However, closer inspection reveals that the captcha is targeted more towards computer programmers, rather than entomologists.

* Of which I'm sure there are many.

"Select all squares with bugs."

Fake headlines quiz

This week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog puts your detective skills to the test with a multiple choice quiz on the theme of fake headlines. Each multiple choice category features four headlines based on a similar theme, but only three of the headlines are real headlines taken from actual news websites.

Take a look at the following categories and see if you can spot which are the fake headlines:

Crime:

To start things off, this first batch of headlines are all based on the unfortunately common news theme of crime.

"Money well spent!"

A) "A man tried to rob a bank after paying $500 to a wizard to make him invisible."

On first hearing this story, my reaction was, "There's no way that can possibly be true." However, before making your decision, I should add that the gullible dude lived in Iran where ridiculous superstitions are apparently more commonly believed than in the West.*

* With the exception of ****** ******* and ******* ******* obviously.

B) "Pub quiz cheats to face prison sentences of up to 6 years if Labour win the next general election, Keith Starmer announces."

With all the increasing real crimes in modern day Britain, it does seem a little bizarre to go after pub quiz cheats.


C) "'Everyone makes mistakes' says teen who karate-kicked 74 year old man into River Mersey."

I wonder if he'd be quite so relaxed if the judge 'mistakenly' gave him a fifty year prison sentence.


D) "A prisoner who briefly died argues that he's served his life sentence."

This sounds like a silly joke headline that someone might make up, but incredibly, the prisoner's case actually went to the Court Of Appeals in Iowa!

Which headline is fake?

Quirks of the English language (part 4)

English can be a strange and confusing language, with lots of weird and wonderful quirks. This week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog highlights a few more of those quirks.

A baseball player strikes the ball to avoid a strike.

1) Cucumber as a cool

The sentence, "Are you as cool as I am?", can be said backwards and still makes sense.

2) Contradictory language (part 1)

strike

Verb
1. To hit.
2. To miss in an attempt to hit (esp. baseball).

15 Alan Partridge quotes (part 2)

A new Alan Partridge series was announced this week; 'And Did Those Feet... with Alan Partridge', a spoof documentary which follows Alan as he reintegrates into life in Britain after a year working in Saudi Arabia.

There's no release date as yet, however, so for any Alan Partridge fans, here's another selection of Alan Partridge quotes to keep you going until 'And Did Those Feet' hits our screens.

Alan Partridge discusses hawks.

1) "Today's sad story is from Deidre Thomas from Dibbs Lane in Holt. 'Dear Alan, I want to be as honest as I can with you, so I hope you'll understand that I'd rather remain anonymous...'"



2) "My greatest achievement is my consistent resistance to dumbing down. I think if anything, I’ve tried to dumb up."



3) To a hawk at a bird sanctuary...

"I'm sorry Mr Hawk, your pardon has been turned down. You have been found guilty of premeditated homicide of a mouse, and you will be hanged by the neck until dead. And don’t try to hover up so that the rope goes slack. They could do that, couldn't they?"

Library humour

Libraries have a reputation for being somewhere where you can read books. Deservedly so, some would argue.

However, libraries can also be a source of humour, as the following memes demonstrate...

1) Mystery humour

To start things off, here's a book category which does exactly what it says on the tin.

Credit: imgur

Mystery by name...

...mystery by nature!

Funny sports quotes (part 2)

I often feature funny football quotes on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog, but this week I spread the net further afield as I round up a collection of funny quotes from a variety of miscellaneous sports.

To start things off, here are a couple of tennis quotes which made me chuckle...

Remember John Lloyd's advice!

Tennis:

1) "It is vital in a match like this that Chris remembers to breathe."
...John Lloyd.

I would say that was vital in any match!


2) "Every player can serve over 125 miles."
...Roger Federer.

Wow! 125 miles? That's a very far serve!

They did the math(s), badly

When someone has analysed the statistics to arrive at an accurate and impressive conclusion, we sum that up by saying, 'They did the math(s)."

* In the UK, we say 'they did the maths'. In the US, it's 'they did the math', so delete as appropriate based on your location.

An empty Emirates Stadium, after Mikel Arteta implements
a mathematically impossible selection criteria.

However, not everyone that does the math(s), does so correctly. Here are some examples where they did the math(s) ... badly.

1) No players

Here's a quote from Mikel Arteta which suggests he plans to field a team of no players, after failing to understand the basic rules of percentages.

Mikel Arteta: "My philosophy will be clear. I will have everyone 120% committed, that's the first thing. If not, you don't play for me."

Footballers are known for their intelligence **shifty eyes**, so presumably the Arsenal players ruled themselves out of contention...

"Sorry, boss. The most I can possibly be committed is 100%, so I'm afraid I can't play."

Breaking news...

We interrupt this blog to bring you the latest news headlines. Please note, all but one of the following news stories are actually fictitious fabrications created purely for the purposes of daft amusement.

The police working tirelessly.

1) The police are looking for a man who has been stealing the wheels off police cars.

A police statement read, "We are working tirelessly to catch him."



2) A fire broke out at a local yodeling school.

Everyone was asked to exit in an orderly orderly orderly manner.

Funny things parents say (part 2)

Kids say the funniest things, but so sometimes do parents. Usually when they're decribing funny things their kids did. This week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog highlights a few such examples.

A perfect likeness!

1) "If you ever find yourself feeling over-confident, ask your kid to draw a picture of you."

Credit: @TheDad




2) "I love getting the opportunity to teach my children life lessons in real-time like you don't overhand throw a ball to someone when you're 6 inches from their face."

Credit: @TheMomHack