Top tips (part 5)

A wise man once gave me the following top tip:

It's okay. He's only yawning!

"There are two secrets to success in life:

1) Don't tell others everything you know."

. . . . . . . . . .

This week on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog I'm going to follow that wise man's advice by passing on only some of the silly top tips I've come across...

1) Always give a thumbs up while yawning so deaf people know you're not screaming.

Credit: @UnhandyHints



2) When being chased by a pack of taxidermists, don't play dead!



3) Gullible people. Want to learn how to stop being so gullible? Just send £10,000 to P.O.Box 17524, Newcastle to find out how!

A sweetshop.
Much more fun to work at than a sweatshop.

4) Trick people into thinking you've just eaten fish and chips by rubbing your stomach and saying, "Mmm! That fish and chips was lovely!"



5) Corrupt globalist corporations. Fool children into working at your factory for very low wages by pretending an 'e' has fallen off your sweetshop sign.



6) Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.



7) Dinner party hosts. Trick your guests into thinking you buy expensive butter by using cheap margarine and then ripping holes in the bread.

Credit: @VizComic

8) If Chinese con-artists email you trying to scam you, simply text back "June 4th Tiananmen Square Massacre", and the Chinese Communist Party will instantly cut off their internet!

A real swimming pool.
Ideal for Swimming World, but not so good for Slimming World.

9) Trick airplane passengers into thinking you have an outdoor swimming pool by painting a large blue rectangle in your back yard.

10) Reading flyers more carefully substantially lowers the risk of being the only one at Slimming World wearing Speedos and goggles.



Here's one final tip. If you know of two more silly top tips, then share one of them in the comments.


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My light-hearted crime themed novel, 'Fly-Tipping', deals with a different type of tipping. Specifically, the disposal of unwanted items* in an illegal manner, rather than the giving of useful advice. It's available for kindle from Amazon.

* Spoiler alert: Those 'unwanted items' may or may not involve dead bodies.

You can find more silly top tips in the blog posts below:
Top tips (part 3)
Top tips (part 4)