Funny football quotes (part 15)

A new season of the Premier League gets under way this weekend, and it's become something of a tradition on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog to mark the occasion with another collection of funny football quotes.

"The perfect penalty."

1) "That was the perfect penalty, apart from he missed it."
…Rob McCaffrey



2) "Ireland will give 99% … everything they've got!"
…Mark Lawrenson



3) "And Ritchie has now scored 11 goals, exactly double the number he scored last season."
…Alan Parry

Ritchie improves on the five and a half goals he scored last season.



4) "If that happens anywhere else on the pitch, it's a stonewall penalty."
…Chris Kamara

Frank Lampard, an inspiration to the next generation.

5) "The ball went over mine and Colin Calderwood's heads, and who should be there at the far post but yours truly, Alan Shearer."
…Colin Hendry apparently thinks he's Alan Shearer.



6) "The other day against Iran, we were the best thing since sliced veg."
...Jack Grealish



7) "Lampard picks his head up and knocks it out to the wing."
…Alan Shearer



8) "Our poll has been unanimous so far: 81% of you think Loic Remy should go to Arsenal ahead of Chelsea."
…Sky Sports News on twitter with a controversial use of the word 'unanimous'.



9) "He hits it first time with his second touch."
…Phil Thompson

Joe Kinnear waves to the crowd.

10) "Richarlison has 19 goals in 40 appearances. Do the math on that. It's one goal a game."
...Eni Aluko presumably didn't pay attention during Arithmetic class.



11) "I can count on the fingers of one hand ten games where we've caused our own downfall."
…Joe Kinnear presumably didn't pay attention during Biology class.



12) "Wilkins sends an inch perfect pass to no one in particular."
...Byron Butler



13) "Bolton have won just three of their last two games."
…Ian Abrahams

This week's quotes are definitely worthy of a yellow card.

14) Clinton Morrison: "I don't care if Haaland gets no kicks as long as he scores goals."
Jeff Stelling: "Well if he gets no kicks, he's not going to score goals."

Clinton Morrison discussing Haaland's impressive telekinesis abilities.



15) "Our talking point this morning is George Best, his liver transplant and the booze culture in football. Don't forget, the best caller wins a crate of John Smith's!"
…Alan Brazil

You can find more amusing football quotes below:
Funny football quotes (part 13)
Funny football quotes (part 14)