Funny football quotes (part 18)

Another season of the Premier League comes to an end this weekend, so as is tradition on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog, this week we feature another round-up of funny football quotes from footballers, pundits and managers.

Pay attention to the 18 yard box.
It may come in useful later on...

1) "The 33 or 34 year olds will be 36 or 37 by the time the next World Cup comes around, if they're not careful."
...Kevin Keegan

If they're not careful?

I wasn't aware that being careful allowed you to prevent the ageing process?




2) "If Villa got another goal now it would change the scoreline completely."
...Tony Cottee

15 insults to avoid using (part 2)

Here on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog we like to promote an atmosphere of peace and harmony between people. So for educational purposes only, here's another collection of insults to avoid using in order to maintain peace and harmony...

A brain.

1) "If he ever left his brain to science, I'm sure science would contest the will."




2) "You used so much oil, the U.S. want to invade the plate."
...Gordon Ramsay




3) "Wisdom has been chasing you, but you have always been faster."

Funny football quotes (part 17)

This weekend brings good news for football fans with withdrawal symptoms over the summer, because a new season of the Premier League starts today!

We've managed to obtain a photo of the footballer
that David Pleat was referring to.

As has become customary, the Charles Fudgemuffin blog celebrates the new season by bringing you another collection of amusing football themed quotes from players, managers, and pundits.

1) “He is an interesting player ... short back legs.”
...David Pleat

And what about his front legs? Are they short as well?



2) “That kind of natural understanding doesn’t develop naturally.”
…Kenny Cunningham



3) “I will never forget my first game for England at the World Cup. It was against Turkey. No, I mean Tunisia.”
…David Seaman

Inspirational motivational quotes

Years ago when I used to use facebook, I remember that a few of my facebook friends would often post motivational quotes on their timelines. This week I've decided to take inspiration from those quotes and share a few motivational quotes myself.

However, you may notice that some of the following 'motivational' quotes aren't quite as motivational as they first seem...

1) Parent quote

To start things off, here's an embarassed looking cat that looked a good fit for the accompanying quote.

"Don't be ashamed of who you are. That's your parents job!"

Funny football quotes (part 16)

Another season of the Premier League comes to a conclusion this weekend, so that can only mean one thing. It's time for another round-up of silly football themed quotes!

"Hurray! We're two nil down!"

1) "Not only has he shown Junior Lewis the red card, but he's also sent him off!"
...Chris Kamara



2) "The good news for Paraguay is that they've gone two-nil down so early on."
...Kevin Keegan



3) "We had a good team on paper. Unfortunately the game is played on grass."
...Brian Clough

15 Alan Partridge quotes (part 2)

A new Alan Partridge series was announced this week; 'And Did Those Feet... with Alan Partridge', a spoof documentary which follows Alan as he reintegrates into life in Britain after a year working in Saudi Arabia.

There's no release date as yet, however, so for any Alan Partridge fans, here's another selection of Alan Partridge quotes to keep you going until 'And Did Those Feet' hits our screens.

Alan Partridge discusses hawks.

1) "Today's sad story is from Deidre Thomas from Dibbs Lane in Holt. 'Dear Alan, I want to be as honest as I can with you, so I hope you'll understand that I'd rather remain anonymous...'"



2) "My greatest achievement is my consistent resistance to dumbing down. I think if anything, I’ve tried to dumb up."



3) To a hawk at a bird sanctuary...

"I'm sorry Mr Hawk, your pardon has been turned down. You have been found guilty of premeditated homicide of a mouse, and you will be hanged by the neck until dead. And don’t try to hover up so that the rope goes slack. They could do that, couldn't they?"

Funny sports quotes (part 2)

I often feature funny football quotes on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog, but this week I spread the net further afield as I round up a collection of funny quotes from a variety of miscellaneous sports.

To start things off, here are a couple of tennis quotes which made me chuckle...

Remember John Lloyd's advice!

Tennis:

1) "It is vital in a match like this that Chris remembers to breathe."
...John Lloyd.

I would say that was vital in any match!


2) "Every player can serve over 125 miles."
...Roger Federer.

Wow! 125 miles? That's a very far serve!

Randomly generated motivational quotes

A rather entertaining website I recently discovered is the InspiroBot website which randomly creates 'motivational quotes' with accompanying images.

Once in a while you will find a genuinely motivational quote, or a deep quote that gets you thinking. However, most of the time the quotes are just utterly bizarre, some of them are outright lies, some are simply evil, and some are actually demotivational.

I've compiled a few examples below to illustrate the kind of 'inspirational' quotes that Inspirobot comes up with, and to start things off, here's one quote which I definitely agree with.

1) "Publicly endorse books."

Horse 1: "Why do you think that photographer is taking our photo?"
Horse 2: "Probably for a motivational quote about books, no doubt."

Some estimates say that over 2.2 billion books are sold every year, so I'm happy to report that this is a quote that many people agree with.

However, I'm not sure how the horses tie in with a quote about books!

Charles Fudgemuffin rating: Good advice




That was a positive quote to get the ball rolling, but not all of Inspirobot's quotes are quite as inspirational...

Funny football quotes (part 15)

A new season of the Premier League gets under way this weekend, and it's become something of a tradition on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog to mark the occasion with another collection of funny football quotes.

"The perfect penalty."

1) "That was the perfect penalty, apart from he missed it."
…Rob McCaffrey



2) "Ireland will give 99% … everything they've got!"
…Mark Lawrenson



3) "And Ritchie has now scored 11 goals, exactly double the number he scored last season."
…Alan Parry

Ritchie improves on the five and a half goals he scored last season.

Who said it: Alan Partridge or Richard Madeley?

Alan Partridge and Richard Madeley are different in many ways (for example, Alan is a fictitious character, whereas Richard is a real person). However, one thing they have in common is that they have both made a long list of embarassingly funny quotes over the years!

Unlike Bill Clinton, Richard Madeley knew he was innocent.

Editor: "Charles, you've given the first answer away!"
Charles: "Oops, sorry!"

So with that in mind, this the week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog hosts a Partridge vs Madeley quiz. All you have to do is take a read of the following quotes and see if you can guess who said each quote; Alan Partridge or Richard Madeley?

1) [To Bill Clinton] "I know what it’s like to be wronged by the press. I was once accused of shoplifting. Unlike you though, I knew I was innocent."

Funny 'literally' quotes (part 5)

From time to time I literally like to feature quotes highlighting misuse of the word 'literally' on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog, but incredibly, it's been almost three years since my last round-up of amusing misused literally quotes!

Leona Lewis, pictured after winning the X Factor.

However, this week the wait is literally over, as I finally get around to featuring another batch of funny 'literally' quotes starting with a quote from Leona Lewis after she won The X Factor...

1) ''I literally jumped out of my skin!''
~Leona Lewis



2) "Aston Villa have literally metaphorically had their pants pulled down."
~Dion Dublin

Make your mind up, Dion! Which one is it!? Literally or metaphorically?

15 insults to avoid using

In just a few days' time, it will National Be Nice Day. Being nice means not insulting people, so to ensure you know what to avoid, here's a round up of some famous amusing insults which you should definitely avoid using.

"Undercooked is just how I like my lamb!"

1) "This lamb is so undercooked, it's following Mary to school!"
~Gordon Ramsay



2) Reporter: "How many people work in the Vatican?"
Pope John Paul XXIII: "About half."



3) "I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll make an exception."
~Groucho Marx

'Yes, Prime Minister' quotes (part 2)

Once again politics is a subject that's been in the news this week, as the UK got a new Prime Minister.
To bring a touch of light-heartedness to proceedings, and as a temporary distraction from the doom that our traitorous politicians (of all parties) are leading us towards, I therefore decided it would be an appropriate time to feature another round-up of quotes from the classic political sitcom, 'Yes, Prime Minister'.

The Charles Fudgemuffin blog heads to
10 Downing Street for another batch of quotes
from the political sitcom, 'Yes, Prime Minister'.

As a quick recap for anyone who hasn't seen the show, Jim Hacker was the fictional Prime Minister, and Sir Humphrey Appleby was the chief civil servant who always tried to stop the Prime Minister from ever getting anything positive done, instead pursuing his own agenda.*

* Unlike real life, where bureaucrats definitely always respect the democratic will of the people. **shifty eyes **

1) Sir Humphrey: "If local authorities don't send us statistics, government figures will be a nonsense."
Jim Hacker: "Why?"
Sir Humphrey: "They'll be incomplete."
Jim Hacker: "Government figures are a nonsense anyway."
Bernard: "I think Sir Humphrey wants to ensure they're a complete nonsense."

Funny football quotes (part 14)

The Qatar World Cup organisers lied and said they could hold the World Cup in the summer. However, it turned out they were lying and that wasn't possible, so as a result of their lies, the World Cup was moved to November. This means the Premier League season starts earlier this year to accommodate the Qatar World Cup organisers' lies.

Sticknaldo

I always like to celebrate the start of a new football season with a football themed blog post, so as a new football season starts this weekend (due to the lies of the Qatar World Cup organisers) that means that this week it's time for another round up of funny football quotes.

1) "In a way, Steve, Manchester City scoring early against Liverpool was the best thing that could happen to Liverpool."
~Sky Sports presenter

Yes, I can just imagine Jurgen Klopp giving his team talk...

"Right, lads. Go out there and concede an early goal, because that's the best thing that can happen to us."



2) "That was never a penalty in a million planets."
~Alan McInally

Funny football quotes (part 13)

I like to mark the end of each football* season with a football themed blog post, so as the Premier League comes to an end this weekend here's another round-up of funny football quotes from managers, players and pundits...

Why was the duck given a red card?
For fowl-play.

* Or 'soccer' for the benefit of any American readers.

1) "I don't know if that result is enough to lift Birmingham off the bottom of the table, although it'll certainly take them above Sunderland."
…Mike Ingham



2) "If it stays as it is, I can’t see it altering."
…Graham Taylor sticks his neck out.



3) "There were two second division matches last night, both in the second division."
...Dominic Allen

Murray Walker quotes (part 3)

A new formula 1 season starts this weekend as the teams and drivers head to Bahrain for the opening Grand Prix of the year. So to celebrate, this week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog rounds up a few more memorable quotes from legendary formula 1 commentator Murray Walker...

A formula 1 car, pictured decades ago.

1) "And there's a dry line appearing in the tunnel. Obvious really as it has a roof."



2) "And the first five places are filled by five different cars."



3) "That's the first time he had started from the front row in a Grand Prix, having done so in Canada earlier this year."

Funny courtroom quotes (part 4)

"How did you become deceased?"
"Someone took a wild stab in the dark."

It's time for another round-up of funny courtroom quotes featuring stupid questions by lawyers, and a few equally silly answers from witnesses...

1) Before and after

Lawyer: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?"
Witness: "Yes, sir."
Lawyer: "Before or after he died?"

I'm going to take a wild stab in the dark and guess 'before'.

Funny things kids say (part 9)

According to the saying, "Kids say the funniest things," so as has become quite a habit on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog, here's another collection of funny things kids say taken from the internet and real life...

"You could reach it if you weren't so nearly tall."

1) Height is in the eye of the beholder

To start things off, here's a unique perspective from my cousin's 3 year old daughter...

Grandad: "You're short."
3 year old: "No, I'm not short. I'm nearly tall."

She's definitely a 'glass half full' kind of person!

2) Library larcenists

If you don't follow @XplodingUnicorn on twitter, then you're missing out on amusing tweets like this one from a trip to the library...

5 year old: "How much does this book cost?"
Me: "It's free."
5 year old: "Are we stealing?"

Funny football quotes (part 12)

I traditionally like to mark the end of the football season with a football themed blog post, so as the Premier League comes to an end this weekend, here's another round-up of amusing quotes from football managers, players and pundits...

Another football season comes to an end.

1) “Without being too harsh, Croatia were appalling.”
…Teddy Sheringham gives his extremely unharsh assessment of Croatia's performance.



2) “If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day.”
…Neville Southall reveals his strange sleeping patterns.



3) “If that had gone in, it would have been a goal.”
…David Coleman

Star Wars pants game quiz (part 2)

One of my previous blog posts which gets quite a few page views is the Star Wars Pants Game quiz. To recap, the Star Wars Pants Game is a quiz where you switch one word from a famous Star Wars quote with the word 'pants' and people have to guess the original quote.

"These aren't the pants you're looking for."

In a few days' time it's officially May The Fourth Be With You Day, so I therefore figured this would be an appropriate time to feature another Star Wars Pants Game Quiz!

1) "These aren’t the pants you’re looking for."
...Obi-Wan Kenobi

A) Easter eggs
B) Christmas presents
C) Droids

2) "Uh, we had a slight pants malfunction, but uh… everything’s perfectly all right now."
...Han Solo

A) Weapons
B) Light saber
C) Windows update