Funny courtroom quotes (part 1)

Let's start this week's blog post with a lawyer joke...

"A lawyer, and an honest man."
The importance of the Oxford comma.

Young girl: "Mummy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
Mother: "No, dear. Why do you ask?"
Young girl: "Because that gravestone says, 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

While I'm sure there must be some honest lawyers out there somewhere, if the following funny courtroom quotes are anything to go by, there are nevertheless also quite a few foolish lawyers. Not to mention quite a few foolish witnesses too.

All of the following quotes are taken from official court records...

1) I will survive

Lawyer: "Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"
Witness: "The victim lived."

Well fancy that! There were no dead survivors!

These cars were very close when they collided.
#StatingTheObvious

2) I will collide

Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

What part of 'collision' do you not understand!?

3) Perfect logic (part 1)

Lawyer: "You were there until the time you left. Is that true?"

Seriously, what sort of idiotic question is that!?

"Hmm, now which one of us died..."

4) Til Death Do Us Part

Lawyer: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
Witness: "By death."
Attorney: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
Witness: "Take a guess."

I'm going to guess it wasn't the death of the witness!

5) Oops!

Here's a quote from an accused thief who chose to defend his own case...

"Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"

I think he needs to fire his lawyer!

6) Poor maths

Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you?"
Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which."
Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?"
Witness: "Forty-five years."

To be fair, I suppose being in a courtroom could be quite a stressful experience for some people.

"The deceased left the following items in his will..."

7) Just weird

Lawyer: "How far away was the rhino when you inherited it?"

Er, what?

8) I plead the fifth...

Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?"
Witness: "I refuse to answer that question."
Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?"
Witness: "I refuse to answer that question."
Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?"
Witness: "No."

Sometimes silence can be just as revealing as the truth!

9) Please answer orally

To set the scene, this next quote occurred when the witness was nodding his head, rather than answering verbally...

"Equal justice under law."
...But not all lawyers were created equal.

Lawyer: "All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?"
Witness: "Oral."

Well, they certainly complied with the instructions!

10) Perfect logic (part 2)

Lawyer: "Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?"

I'm going to stick my neck out and say that, generally speaking, murder investigations tend to involve a victim.

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