Christmas memes and jokes

It's less than a week until Christmas, so can you guess what this week's blog post theme is about?

Yes, that's right! Christmas! Great guess!*

* If you guessed wrong, then please ignore the above congratulatory message.

Anyway, here are a few memes and jokes on the theme of Christmas.

1) Imagine if you lived at number 5 in this street. Imagine how awkward it would be trying to book a taxi near Christmas time.

5 Gold Rings.
A great address for fans of Christmas, but not so great for anyone trying to book a taxi.

Taxi driver: "Where to?"
Passenger: "Five Gold Rings, please."
Taxi driver: "No, seriously. Where do you want to go?"
Passenger: "Five Gold Rings."
Taxi driver: "Right! That's it! If you're not going to be serious, then get out!"

Lazy or genius: Christmas edition!

"We wish you a lazy Christmas, we wish you a lazy Christmas, we wish you a lazy Christmas, and a lethargic New Year!"

This week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog takes a look at people who were too lazy to put any real effort into their Christmas decorations and celebrations. However, in some cases, they did at least come up with clever solutions to avoid doing any hard work.

1) Lazy Christmas tree (part 1)

To start things off, this first contender gets double points for laziness. They were too lazy to do their washing, and they were also too lazy to set up a real Christmas tree. However, they showed impressive creativity in coming up with a simple combined solution to both.

Credit: The Laundry Basket

Laundry Christmas!

10 Christmas jokes (part 5)

Christmas will soon be here again, so Merry Christmas to all my readers!

Sticking with the festive mood, here's another batch of Christmas themed jokes...

Merry Christmas!

1) What did the peanut butter say to the grape at Christmas?
"'Tis the season to be jelly!"



2) Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?
Because they make the toys.



3) What's yellow, sweet and swings through the jungle at Christmas?
Tarzipan.

Random Christmas thoughts (part 2)

Christmas Day is here again! Merry Christmas to everyone who read the Charles Fudgemuffin blog this year, and I'll leave you with these random Christmas related thoughts...

"... and a happy new year!"

1) Hearing bumps and crashes in your house on Christmas night would be terrifying for adults, but exciting for children.



2) The person who wrote 'We wish you a Merry Christmas' was too lazy to write two songs for two separate occasions.

Controversial Christmas questions (part 2)

Christmas will soon be upon us once again, bringing happiness, joy, and also ... controversy. I've featured controversial Christmas questions before on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog, but there are many more Christmas related topics that divide opinion.

So with that in mind, have a read of the following controversial Christmas questions, then vote on what you think is the correct answer...

Christmas trees.
A source of joy, happiness, and differing opinions.

1) Do you prefer a real Christmas tree or a plastic Christmas tree?

I've mostly had a plastic tree for Christmas, opting for convenience over tradition. However, if you do go for a real tree, apparently you should check the base of the tree where it's been cut to ensure that the tree is pale. This means the tree has been freshly cut and will last longer.

Now that I've got the advice out of the way, it's time to get down to the important question. Where do you fall on the Christmas tree debate? Do you prefer a real tree or a plastic tree?

Funny things kids say (Christmas edition)

Kids say the funniest things at every time of year, but this week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog specifically takes a look at funny things kids say relating to Christmas, starting with an unusual Christmas list inclusion posted by one of my friends on facebook...

"Dear Santa, For Christmas please can I have..."

1) An unusual request

"We've been talking about what the kids want for Christmas and Thomas just said what he really wants from Santa is chest hairs! He's a one off."

I have to admit that when I was younger and I wrote out my Christmas list, chest hairs was never something I asked for.

2) All dolls great and small

I love the way this next conversation highlights the creative ways that kids will justify the need for more stuff...

Charles Fudgemuffin's Christmas letter to Santa

As Christmas time approaches, it's time to get writing our letters to Santa. Here's mine:

Charles Fudgemuffin's Christmas list.

"Dear Santa,

Before I list the presents I would like for Christmas, I thought I would first mention that I've been very good this year.

Well, okay then, I've been good for most of the year.
Well, I've been good some of the time.

Okay, I've been good every once in a while.

Fine. Forget it. I'll buy my own presents!

Yours sincerely,

Charles Fudgemuffin"

- - - - - - - - - -

Merry Christmas to all readers of the Charles Fudgemuffin blog!

A Merry Christmas message for nerds!

At Christmas time it's traditional to wish others a Merry Christmas, and that's a tradition which I like to respect here on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog.

This year to mix things up a little, the Christmas message from Charles Fudgemuffin is specifically aimed at nerds. So without further ado, here's this year's Christmas message...

Controversial Christmas questions

Here on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog I've regularly featured Christmas themed blog posts every Christmas, and I've also occasionally featured blog posts on controversial questions. However, this week I combine the two, as I take a look at controversial Christmas questions.

Merry Christmas from Charles Fudgemuffin!

Where do you stand on the following controversial Christmas questions?

1) When should you put your Christmas decorations up?

I'm a big fan of Christmas decoarations. Last Christmas on the way to work I used to walk past a street where every house was done out in spectacular Christmas decorations, and it looked impressive and always put me in a good mood (at least until I got to work!).

However, when is the optimum time to put your decorations up?

Christmas 'higher or lower' quiz (part 2)

One of my previous blog posts which is quite popular (even during the summer, bizarrely) is my Christmas 'higher or lower' quiz. So to cater to market forces, here's another Christmas themed quiz featuring another batch of 'higher or lower' conundrums...

"Should my hat be higher or lower?"

1) Battle of the sexes

To start things off, here's a straight forward question. Who spends more on Christmas shopping; men or women?

A) Men
B) Women

Men or women?

10 Christmas jokes (part 4)

Christmas is only a few days away, so to celebrate here's another batch of Christmas and Santa themed jokes...

Santa, Blitzen and Rudolf.

1) I put Rudolf and Blitzen on eBay the other day, but no-one bid for them.
They were two deer.


2) Grandma: "What are you giving Mom and Dad for Christmas?"
Young kid: "A list of everything I want!"


3) How did Mary and Joseph figure out baby Jesus was exactly 7lb 9oz?
They had a weigh in a manger

Christmas statistics

Christmas is the season for kindness, generosity, celebration, gratitude, and of course ... statistics!

Admittedly, kindness and generosity are generally more commonly associated with Christmas than statistics, but this week's blog post features a round-up of Christmas themed statistics, so that was the reason for the rather contrived introduction.

Anyway, without further ado, here are a selection of Christmas themed statistics...

By the glum expression on this dog's face, presumably
he was one of the 30% of dogs with a stingy owner.

1) 30% stingy

According to a survey, 7 out of 10 British dogs get Christmas gifts from their loving owners.

Only 7 out of 10! What sort of stingy dog owner doesn't buy their dog some toys for Christmas!?

2) We wish you a heavy Christmas

If everyone in the world left Santa a glass of milk and some biscuits/cookies, he would consume 475 billion calories in one night! Wow! No wonder Santa is a little on the large size!

If any statistical nerds (like myself) want to check the figures, here are the calculations:

Top selling toys from decades gone by (part 3)

Some of the top selling toys from recent years don't seem to have the instant recognisability of toys from when I was a kid. So if you're like me, and toys like a 'Nerf Demolisher' and a 'Toot-toot Animals Safari Park' mean nothing to you, then take a nostalgic trip down memory lane with the following selection of the most popular best selling toys from Christmases gone by^*1.

^*1 Source: The Evening Chronicle website.

Playmobil.
Popular in the 1960s and still going strong.

The 60s

1) Remote control cars
2) Etch-a-sketch
3) PlayMobil

Remote control cars seem pretty unremarkable nowadays, but when they were first released, apparently being able to control a miniaturised car without the need for wires to be attached was regarded as a really impressive achievement.

The popularity of etch-a-sketch must have lasted long after its original release, as I can remember having an etch-a-sketch many years later. At the time it seemed like a really cool toy, but looking back it was an extremely impractical idea - having to draw a blocky picture by turning a couple of knobs - and it looks pretty antiquated nowadays compared to the Playstations and Xboxes of today.

A Christmas message for any politically correct readers!

At this festive time of the year, I traditionally like to post a special holiday message to all my blog readers. Click the image below to read the Christmas message in hi-res!

For any politically correct readers of the Charles Fudgemuffin blog...

10 Christmas jokes (part 3)

As it's only a week or so until Christmas, here's another round-up of Christmas themed jokes...

Santa wearing a Christmas jumper.

1) When does New Year's Day come before Christmas Day?
Every year!


2) What do you get if you cross Santa Claus and a frog?
A Christmas jumper.


3) What did Adam say to Eve on Christmas Day?
Adam: "It's Christmas, Eve!"
Eve: "No, that was yesterday."


4) What did Adam say to Eve on Christmas Eve?
Adam: "It's Christmas Eve, Eve!"
Eve: "Technically speaking, Christmas Eve Eve would be the day before Christmas Eve, and that was yesterday...

Random Christmas thoughts

It's only a few days until Christmas, so here are a few random Christmas related thoughts...

Please note, the above list is intended purely
for illustrative purposes, and is not intended as a
true reflection of which children have been naughty.

1) The optimum time to be naughty

Santa keeps a list of everyone who has been naughty each year, so the best time to be naughty is from December 26th to December 31st.  It's too late for Santa to put you on the naughty list for the current year because you've already received your Christmas presents, and it's too early for him to put you on the naughty list for next year, because the new naughty list doesn't start until January 1st.

How to say 'Merry Christmas' in other languages

This is how you say 'Merry Christmas' in English.

One of the things I love to do is go travelling, and as I come from England and I don't like being cold, I therefore usually plan my travels to coincide with the English winter. This means that I'm often away backpacking for Christmas, and as you get to meet other backpackers from around the world it means that you often learn how to say Merry Christmas in various other languages.

So in the spirit of worldwide festivities, here is how to say Merry Christmas in various languages from around the world, starting with a familiar sounding version from Japan...

Japanese - meri kurisumasu

10 Christmas themed jokes (part 2)

Merry Christmas!

To help everyone get in the mood for Christmas, here's another round-up of Christmas themed jokes featuring festive vampires, anatine Santas, and bald men.

Be warned though, that some of these jokes are quite cheesy...

1) What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the standard alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet only has 25 letters because it has no L (Noel).


2) What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A Christmas quacker.


3) Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can 'Hoe, hoe, hoe!'

Is Santa Claus real?

As anyone who's read 'Santa and the Naughty Elf' by my younger brother, Charles Fudgemuffin, Jr, will know, Santa Claus is very real indeed. But what does Siri have to say on the matter? I asked Siri for her opinion on whether Santa Claus is real or not, and as you can see below, she had quite a bit to say on the subject.

We also chatted about a few other Christmas related subjects, so here are a few quotes from our conversation.

1) "Is Santa Claus real?"

First up I asked Siri a question that everyone wonders at one point in their life...

"Hey Siri, is Santa Claus real?"

Top selling toys from years gone by (part 2)

It's only a few weeks until Christmas, so that means it's time for part two of my nostalgic trip down memory lane as I look at more toys found on lists to Santa from years gone by. Once again, I've included the decade when the toys were first released, or the decade when they first achieved popularity, but of course the best toys are timeless, so don't be surprised if you associate some of these toys with a different era...

1950s - Slinky

Slinky.
Loved by kids around the world for its period of oscillation,
according to Wikipedia.

The simplicity of the Slinky toy made it a hit through the generations, and it's still going strong today. In fact incredibly, over a billion Slinkys have been sold worldwide since it was first invented! I could list any number of interesting facts about Slinky, but here's one from Wikipedia:

Due to the forces of gravity, a Slinky bunches up at the bottom because:

    p(n) = L(n-1)^2

Fascinating! And did you know that the period of oscillation of a dangling slinky is:

    T = 2/pi/sqrt{/frac{m}{k}}

Wow! Amazing! Although to be honest, that one was fairly obvious, so it probably didn't need pointed out.