Bad advice (part 2)

Before I get started with this week's blog post, here's a quick legal disclaimer:

Please note: The advice contained in this article is clearly labelled as bad advice. For anyone who has trouble following simple instructions, that means it would be foolish to follow it.

A bed, pictured after an argument between a husband and a wife.

Charles Fudgemuffin accepts no liability in the event that any fools happen to be reading this, and decide to ignore my warning and follow the bad advice anyway. Anyone who does follow the bad advice, does so at their own risk.

Okay, now that the legal formalities are out of the way, let's move straight on to the bad advice...

1) Husbands. Turn any sofa into a bed by telling your wife to calm down.

2) Important decisions to make?

Simply hire a life coach, and pay a self-appointed therapist with no particular training or credentials to make important personal decisions for you!

Or better still, cut it into quarters,
and then you have four sandwiches!

3) Law abiding citizens. Always carry a copy of the Constitution with you. The FBI like to be informed when they're violating your rights, and they like it even more when you inform them in writing.

4) Feeling hungry? Simply cut your sandwich in half and now you have two sandwiches!

5) Eat what makes you happy! *

* Legal disclaimer: Although this is often bad advice, it can also be good advice if you happen to have healthy tastes. It's status as good advice or bad advice basically depends on the reader.

An expensive watch. A great way to tell the time
by buying one and then looking at the receipt.

6) Out and about and you want to know the time but you don't have a watch?

Simply pop into your local watch shop and buy a watch. They will usually print the time on the receipt.

Editor's note: "Or alternatively, for a cheaper solution, just ask someone with a watch what time it is."

Charles: "But that's good advice, and this is a blog post on bad advice."

Editor: "Oops, sorry. Okay, then how about, 'For an alternative solution, simply pop into your local TV store and buy an expensive top-of-the-range TV, then check the receipt for the time.'?"

Charles: "Yes, that works."

7) Get to understand paranoid people better by following them around.

8) Paranoid people.* Governments use fake wasp nests to hide facial recognition cameras. So next time you see a wasp nest, hit it with a stick to destroy the camera.

* Legal disclaimer: Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean you're wrong.

A rattlesnake.

9) When a rattlesnake is angry and shakes its rattle at you, you can actually grab the rattle with your hands to stop the noise and this also makes the snake calm right down and go to sleep.

Editor: "Charles, that's not a rattlesnake. It's an albino Burmese python."
Charles: "Shush! I didn't have a photo of a rattlesnake, so I'm hoping the readers won't notice."
Editor: "I'm pretty sure the readers will know the difference between a rattlesnake and an albino Burmese python. After all, your readers are very intelligent."
Charles: "What about Bob from Milton Keynes?"
Editor: "Okay, fair point. Bob from Milton Keynes probably won't know the difference between an albino Burmese python and a rattlesnake, but other than Bob, I'm pretty sure everyone else will know the difference."
Charles: "Well they will now, because you've just told them!"
Editor: "Anyway, are you sure that would work. It sounds a bit risky to me."
Charles: "Yes, it definitely works. **chortle** Try it the next time you see a rattlesnake. **snicker**"

* Legal disclaimer: Once again, for the benefit of people with short memories, this week's blog post features bad advice.

10) Blog masters. Want to increase your blog traffic?

Simply mention the FBI in a blog post to guarantee you'll get hundreds of extra page views!

* All from Washington D.C., curiously.

You can find even more bad advice in my previous blog post below. And to clarify, that's good advice, or rather, accurate advice!

Bad advice (part 1)