15 Alan Partridge quotes (part 2)

A new Alan Partridge series was announced this week; 'And Did Those Feet... with Alan Partridge', a spoof documentary which follows Alan as he reintegrates into life in Britain after a year working in Saudi Arabia.

There's no release date as yet, however, so for any Alan Partridge fans, here's another selection of Alan Partridge quotes to keep you going until 'And Did Those Feet' hits our screens.

Alan Partridge discusses hawks.

1) "Today's sad story is from Deidre Thomas from Dibbs Lane in Holt. 'Dear Alan, I want to be as honest as I can with you, so I hope you'll understand that I'd rather remain anonymous...'"



2) "My greatest achievement is my consistent resistance to dumbing down. I think if anything, I’ve tried to dumb up."



3) To a hawk at a bird sanctuary...

"I'm sorry Mr Hawk, your pardon has been turned down. You have been found guilty of premeditated homicide of a mouse, and you will be hanged by the neck until dead. And don’t try to hover up so that the rope goes slack. They could do that, couldn't they?"



4) "Today's phone in subject is ‘How many disabled parking bays is too many?’"

Latin.
An essential qualification for all electrical store workers,
apparently, according to Alan Partridge.

5) On the phone to Currys...

"Hello, is that Currys? I'd like to place an order for two supplementary auxiliary speakers, to go with my midi hi-fi system, apropos achieving surround sound. ... ‘Apropos’ ... It’s Latin. You ought to have a basic grasp of Latin if you're working in Currys."



6) "'This is North Norfolk Digital, sustaining and maintaining our core listenership, in an increasingly fragmented marketplace.'

Sorry, I've just realised I read that from an internal memo. That wasn't meant for you to hear. Sorry."



7) "Guide dogs for the blind. It’s cruel really, isn't it? Getting a dog to lead a man round all day. Not fair on either of them."



8) Alan: "Do you know the expression, 'A face doesn't lie'?"
Guest: "No."
Alan: "It's quite a new one."

Hula hoops
(the toy, not the crisps).

9) Interviewing Noel Gallagher...

"Coward. Edmonds. Gordon. And now Gallagher. What is it about Noels throughout the ages that has captured the public imagination?"



10) Fashion expert: "Our first skirt is a circle skirt modelled by the beautiful Kirsty. Just sixty five pounds."
Alan: "She can't be! Oh, you mean the price."



11) "Today we're talking about things you don’t see much of anymore. Already we have capes, tinned meat, Horlicks, sparrows, Hula Hoops (the crisps, not the toy), hula hoops (the toy, not the crisps), swimming pools with deep ends, and asbestos."



12) "If oil is known as black gold, then perhaps water should be known as see-through gold."

Inner-City Sumo With Alan Partridge.

13) Guest: "Give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Give him a fishing rod..."
Alan: "He'll probably come back the next day saying, 'You know that fishing rod you gave me? Can I have another?' 'What happened to the one I gave you?' 'Oh, I sold it.' 'Let me guess, to buy some skag.' 'No, to buy some fish. I was hungry.' 'Did it not occur to you that you could have used the fishing rod to catch some fish?' 'Oh, I haven't got a permit and I don't know where to get one.' 'Google it!'"



Pitching the greatest TV show idea never to be made...

14) "Inner-City Sumo With Alan Partridge. We take fat people from the inner cities, put them in big nappies, and then get them to throw each other out of a circle that we draw with chalk on the ground. Very cheap to make. Do it in a pub car park."



And finally, a quote from Alan when introducing This Time...

15) "It's that time. High time to say if you've got time to give This Time your time, then its time to let This Time spend time making your time a good time on This Time."

You can find more Alan Partridge quotes in my previous blog posts:
Who said it: Alan Partridge or Richard Madeley?
15 Alan Partridge quotes (part 1)