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| I'm afraid that for copyright reasons, I don't have a photo of Alan Partridge. So instead, here's a photo of a partridge bird! |
"I think I’d be more preoccupied by the fact I was encountering a talking snake. I think whether I wanted an apple or not would be a side issue."
2) "Let me tell you something about the Titanic. People forget that on the Titanic’s maiden voyage there were over 1,000 miles of uneventful, very pleasurable cruising before it hit the iceberg."
3) "As a parent, I didn't even hit my own kids. My wife hit them - ex-wife - but I didn't, and now she's their favourite! Riddle me that one!"
4) After a Valentine's Day spent with Jill...
Alan: "That is the best Valentine's Day I've had in eight years."
Jill: "What did you do eight years ago?"
Alan: "Just had a better one."
Jill: "What did you do?"
Alan: "Went to Silverstone. Shook Jackie Stewart's hand. Superb. My marriage fell apart soon after that."
5) "Certainly enough room to swing a tiger in here, isn’t there? Wouldn’t want to though – unless it’d been stunned. Even then it’s going to weigh the best part of a ton."
6) A phone-in discussion question...
"Which is the worst monger? Fish, iron, rumour or war?"
A few quotes from the supermarket...
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| "A fantastic place." ...Alan Partridge |
7) "It really is a fantastic place. Almost like an enormous cathedral ... where people come to worship shampoo and grapes."
8) "These check-out ladies display the physical and mental dexterity we normally associate with fighter pilots. Check-out women, the people of Britain salute you!"
9) "Well, after some initial doubts, I'm impressed with the working conditions here. The store itself is clean and well-ventilated, and there seems little chance of workers succumbing to the kind of chronic lung conditions that blighted the mining communities, and made their snot black."
10) Introducing a guest who was formerly in the army...
"Interestingly, Tommy’s the first person we’ve had on North Norfolk Digital who’s killed someone, deliberately. We all know of course of Simon Pickering from travel who reversed over a nurse, which was an accident ... er ... so he says."
11) "I vowed never to make the same mistake again. And yet in an incident which beggars belief, I made a similar mistake the following night at a golf club dinner. It was the lowest point of my career ... but was I to blame, or was society?"
12) Satnav: "Stay right."
Alan: "I am!" (Shrugs exasperatedly.)
13) Explaining antibiotics...
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| Chocolates. A metaphor for antibiotics in Alan Partridge's eyes. |
"Many liken antibiotics to giving a box of chocolates to an angry spouse. The first time the chocolates will overwhelm the wife, and quell her ire completely. The sixth or seventh time, the chocolates still subdue the miffed woman, but less than they had earlier. And by the twentieth time, the chocolates have little to no potency, and can even inflame the problem further."
14) Asked to name his favourite Beatles album...
"Tough one. I think I’d have to say 'The Best Of The Beatles'."
15) Introducing a guest called Jim Jones...
"Just to clear something up. You’re not the Jim Jones who led a mass suicide in the Jonestown Massacre by feeding his followers poisoned broth? Of course not. Well, you’d be dead, wouldn’t you? Along with your 900 followers..."
You can find more quotes by other people at the blog posts below:
An Idiot Abroad quotes
Stephen Hawking quotes
Murray Walker quotes (part 1)
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