Funny courtroom quotes (part 4)

"How did you become deceased?"
"Someone took a wild stab in the dark."

It's time for another round-up of funny courtroom quotes featuring stupid questions by lawyers, and a few equally silly answers from witnesses...

1) Before and after

Lawyer: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?"
Witness: "Yes, sir."
Lawyer: "Before or after he died?"

I'm going to take a wild stab in the dark and guess 'before'.

2) Stupid questions (part 1)

"Could you describe what was in the box?"

Lawyer: "You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"

Adidas may claim that, "Impossible is nothing," but as this lawyer proves, Adidas are wrong. Some things are quite clearly impossible!

3) Factual omission

Lawyer: "How many times have you committed suicide?"
Witness: "Four times."

Either the witness is a firm believer in reincarnation, or else I presume they meant 'attempted'.

4) The birds and the bees

The owls and the bees.

Lawyer: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"
Witness: "I'll be three months on November 8th."
Lawyer: "Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "What were you doing at that time?"

I won't answer that because this is a family friendly blog!

5) Stupid questions (part 2)

Lawyer: "Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"

Seriously, in the history of stupid questions, that must surely be the second most stupid question ever asked, second only to the following stupid question which I featured on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog several years ago:
And the award for the most stupid question ever goes to...

"Wow! You should see what they've
done to the patient in the next bed!

6) Science goes too far

Lawyer: "So after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?"
Witness: "I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital."
Lawyer: "It was covered?"
Witness: "Yes, bandaged."
Lawyer: "Then, later on...what did you see?"
Witness: "I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head."

I presume they mean the skin from their buttocks and leg, rather that their entire buttocks and leg! At least I hope that's what they mean...

7) Snarky witness

Lawyer: "Have you lived in this town all your life?"
Witness: "Not yet."

Badum, tshh!

"I woke up, and I was dead!"

8) The return of the witness from quote 3

Lawyer: "And what did he do then?"
Witness: "He came home, and next morning he was dead."
Lawyer: "So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?"

He woke up the next morning and he was dead? That sounds like the plot for a zombie movie.

9) Stupid questions (part 3)

"What part of him could you see?"

Lawyer: "So you were gone until you returned?"

Unless the witness is able to be in two places at once, then yes, that seems like a reasonable assumption.

10) An anatomy lesson

The prosecution would like to call an expert on human anatomy...

Lawyer: "Could you see him from where you were standing?"
Witness: "I could see his head."
Lawyer: "And where was his head?"
Witness: "Just above his shoulders."

Seriously, where did he expect his head to be!?

You can find more funny courtroom quotes in the blog posts below:
Funny courtroom quotes (part 1)
Funny courtroom quotes (part 2)
Funny courtroom quotes (part 3)