Funny courtroom quotes (part 2)

One of my previous blog posts which received a lot of page views was my round-up of funny courtroom quotes. I'm a firm believer in listening to the demands of the market, so with that in mind, here's another batch of amusing quotes from lawyers who weren't exactly the sharpest tools in the box.

N.B. The following quotes are all taken from official court records.

"If he had a beard, then of course he was a man!"

1) Bearded lady?

Lawyer: "Can you describe the individual?"
Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"
Witness: "Unless the circus was in town, I’m going with male."

Surely the fact that the witness described him as 'he' should have been a big clue. Oh, and also the fact that he had a beard of course!

2) Silly tautology

Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"

Is that a stupid question or a foolish question?

"How long has the snowgirl
been your daughter?"

3) Temporary family

Lawyer: "What is your relationship with the plaintiff?"
Witness: "She is my daughter."
Lawyer: "Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?"

The only possible situation I can think of where that wouldn't be true would be if the daughter was born in the 1980s or later. However, I think a more likely explanation is that the lawyer was just an idiot.

4)Temporary resident

And on a similar theme...

Lawyer: "How long have you been a French Canadian?"

How long have you been asking stupid questions!?

"I'm not dead yet."
"Oh, well I can't take him like that. It's against regulations."

5) Dead or alive

Lawyer: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
Witness: "The autopsy started around 8:30 pm."
Lawyer: "And Mr Denton was dead at the time?"
Witness: "If not, he was by the time I finished."

Seriously, you're asking if the body in an autopsy was dead? What part of 'autopsy' don't you understand!?

6) Clever comeback

Lawyer: "Are you married?"
Witness: "No, I'm divorced."
Lawyer: "And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"
Witness: "A lot of things I didn't know about."

Well played, madam.

The lumbar region.

7) The unmentionables

Lawyer: "Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
Witness: "No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."

Perhaps by the lady from the previous quote?

8) Happy birthday!

Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"
Witness: "July 18th."
Lawyer: "What year?"
Witness: "Every year."

Badum, tshh!

"It was true, was it not, that your question
was extremely badly worded?"

9) Legal waffle

Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"
Opposing lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."

I think it's fair to say that in the history of badly worded questions that question takes the gold medal.

10) The clue is in the question

Lawyer: "The youngest son - the 20 year old - how old is he?"
Witness: "He’s 20 ... much like your IQ."

Based on some of the lawyers featured in these quotes, that seems like a high estimate!

You can find more silly courtroom quotes in my original blog post:
Funny courtroom quotes (part 1)