Once again, all of the following quotes are taken from official court records.
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| "So they go up as well as down? Wow!" |
1) Stupid questions (part 1)
Lawyer: "You say that the stairs went down to the basement?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
If you need to explain how stairs work to a lawyer then you might want to consider getting a new lawyer!
2) The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man..."
Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."
Ha, ha! That's one witness who certainly sticks to the truth in court!
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| "Hmm, I'm sure I've forgotten something..." |
3) All by myself
Lawyer: "Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
Witness: "I went to Europe, sir."
Lawyer: "And you took your new wife?"
I would hope so! It would be a very strange honeymoon if he didn't take his wife!
4) Memory problems
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| If only they'd listened to the elephant. |
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"
Witness: "I forget."
Lawyer: "You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?"
What part of 'forgot' do you not understand?
5) Stupid questions (part 2)
Lawyer: "What happened then?"
Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
Witness: "No."
Did he kill you? Seriously!? You're asking a live witness, 'Did he kill you?' Surely the fact that the witness was standing there alive in front of you should have been a slight clue.
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| I suspect this is the type of gear the lawyer was referring to. |
6) Top gear
Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"
Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."
That's quite impressive that they could remember what clothes they were wearing. Although admittedly, their comprehension of the question (or lack thereof) wasn't quite as impressive.
7) Peculiar terminology
Lawyer: "Do you have any children or anything of that kind?"
Huh!? Anything of that kind!?
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| "Have I had this nose all my life? Seriously, what do you think?" |
8) Nosey question
Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
Witness: "I only have one, you know."
I've heard of a double chin, but never a double nose! To be fair, if the witness had been Michael Jackson then perhaps this might have been a reasonable question. However, for most people, I think it's safe to assume they have the same nose all their life.
9) Stupid questions (part 3)
Lawyer: "She had three children, right?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "How many were boys?"
Witness: "None.
Lawyer: "Were there any girls?"
Witness: "Your honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?"
That's one witness who obviously considered my advice for the first question!
10) Brainless questions
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| "Retrain your mind." Excellent advice for many of the lawyers in this week's blog post. |
Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "I see, but could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law!"
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There have been many foolish questions asked by lawyers over the years, so I'll no doubt feature another round up of funny courtroom quotes at some point in the future.
You can find more funny courtroom quotes in my previous blog posts:
Funny courtroom quotes (part 1)
Funny courtroom quotes (part 2)
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