15 insults to avoid using

In just a few days' time, it will National Be Nice Day. Being nice means not insulting people, so to ensure you know what to avoid, here's a round up of some famous amusing insults which you should definitely avoid using.

"Undercooked is just how I like my lamb!"

1) "This lamb is so undercooked, it's following Mary to school!"
~Gordon Ramsay



2) Reporter: "How many people work in the Vatican?"
Pope John Paul XXIII: "About half."



3) "I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll make an exception."
~Groucho Marx



Here's an amusing insult from The Weakest link when Maureen had just told Anne Robinson that she was a beauty therapist...

Brad Pitt lookalike Will from the Inbetweeners
throws stones in a glass house about his date.

4) "So you haven’t had any time to work on yourself then?"
~Anne Robinson



5) "When was the last time a British player won a Grand Slam? 150 thousand years ago!"
~Roger Federer



6) "A few years ago I'd seen King Kong at the cinema. Now, I was on a date with her."
~Will from the Inbetweeners



Here's a cutting insult from George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill...

6) "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend ... if you have one."
~George Bernard Shaw



And an equally cutting response...

7) "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there is one."
~Winston Churchill

"Oh no! The psychotic potato dwarf has struck again!"

9) "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
~Irvin S. Cobb



8) "If I'm ever in need of advice from a psychotic potato dwarf, you'll certainly be the first to know."
~Doctor Who



11) "Baldrick, you wouldn't see a subtle plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked on top of a harpsichord singing, 'Subtle plans are here again.'"
~Blackadder

An intelligent footballer.

When research indicated that heading a football could damage brain cells, it's fair to say the Premier League didn't treat those claims with the seriousness they deserved...

12) “I don't think heading a ball has got anything to do with it. Footballers are stupid enough anyway.”
~Premier League spokesman



13) "If your brains were dynamite, there wouldn't be enough to blow your hat off."
~Kurt Vonnegut Jr.



14) "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
~Mark Twain

The universe and human stupidity, pictured yesterday.

15) Finally, here's a famous insult from Albert Einstein about the human race as a whole...

"Only two things are infinite; the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not so sure about the former."
~Albert Einstein

If your quest for insults is still not satisfied, then you can find more insults in the following related blog posts:
True or false: Old fashioned insults
Fawlty Tea Rooms