Things that unintentionally made me laugh (part 3: stupid criminals)

From time to time I like to look at things that weren't supposed to be funny, but which my weird sense of humour nevertheless found amusing. This week it's the turn of criminals and potential criminals, with this week's blog post focusing on three unintentionally amusing lawbreakers and potential lawbreakers. As a sevice to any similar minded potential criminals reading this blog post, I've also included some advice for each example.

To start things off, here's a story which had me chuckling away to myself at the absurdity of the criminal in question...

This week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog
takes a look at foolish criminals.

1) Breach of contract

This is so ridiculous that you'll think I'm making it up, so look it up if you don't believe me. The story involves a woman who hired a hitman to kill her boyfriend for her. However, things didn't go to plan when instead the hitman kept the money and didn't kill her boyfriend.

Now I don't know what most people would do in a situation like this, because most people wouldn't hire a hitman in the first place. However, I know what most people wouldn't do, and that's report the hitman to the police. Yet that's exactly what this crazy woman did! She contacted the police to report the hitman for breach of contract!

Presumably the conversation must have went something like this...

Woman: "Hello, I'd like to report a crime."
Police: "Okay, and what was the crime?"
Woman: "Fraud."
Police: "Fraud? Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. What exactly happened?"
Woman: "I paid this hitman to kill my boyfriend for me, but he just kept the money, and he didn't even kill my boyfriend! Can you believe it? He totally ripped me off!"
Police: "Er ... sorry. Can I just check what you said there? You paid someone? To kill your boyfriend for you?"
Woman: "Yes, that's right. But he didn't even kill him! He broke the contract! I want my money back! He's a total con artist!"

Charles Fudgemuffin's advice: Seriously, my advice would be, if you pay to have someone killed, and they don't follow through on the deal, don't report them to the police. Not unless you want to spend the rest of your life in prison. When I say 'rest of your life', obviously I mean 3 years based on the justice system in England, but anyway, this lady was from Spain, so it might well have been the rest of her life in her case.

2) Flytipping

A conscientious woman cleaning up other
people's rubbish ... perhaps Mrs Tippet's?

I've featured aptronyms on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog before, and this next story involves another aptronym involving a woman called Mrs Tippet. It turned out to be a case of Tippet by name, and Tippet by nature, as Mrs Tippet was caught dumping rubbish, including an old mattress, in the woods. However, it wasn't her appropriate name that made me laugh. It was her excuse.

Incredibly, Mrs Tippet claimed that she was just leaving her rubbish in the woods for a few days, and she was going to come back and get it again later. Yes, because of course that's what everyone does, isn't it? I mean, I often take my old mattress and dump it in the woods for a few days, then go back again after a few days to get it and take it back home again. That's what everyone does, right?

I seriously don't know how she ever thought she would get away with an excuse as ridiculous and as feeble as that! It surely has to be the worst excuse ever in the history of bad excuses.

Charles Fudgemuffin's advice: My advice to any would be fly-tippers would be if you're going to come up with a cover story, avoid using the following excuse, "I was just leaving the rubbish there for a few days. I was definitely going to come back in a few days and take it home again!"

3) Poisoning

This is a personal experience I've mentioned before on the blog, and although there was a twist in the story that ultimately proved to be somewhat frustrating, it did initially make me laugh.

Several years ago I published a short story on Amazon called 'How To Poison Your Husband And Get Away With It (A Short Story)'. Obviously, to anyone with half a brain it should be obvious that this was a short story and not an instruction manual. However, just to make it absolutely clear, I took the following measures to clarify that this was a short story:

Poison, pictured yesterday.

1) I included the words '(A Short Story)' in the title.
2) I categorised it in the 'fiction' category.
3) I included the following disclaimer in the blurb:

"For the avoidance of any doubt, 'How To Poison Your Husband And Get Away With It (A Short Story)' is a fictional story. It is not a 'How To' guide."

Yet incredibly, despite these measures, I received the following one star review from a disgruntled reader:

"Fake product. Please do not buy."

Fake product!? Incredibly, it seems this mariticidal reader actually thought she was buying a 'How To' guide, rather than a short story! Seriously, how stupid do you have to be to think that Amazon would publish an instruction manual on how to poison your husband without getting caught!? And even if you were so stupid that you thought you could buy a manual on how to murder your husband on Amazon, then surely the words 'A Short Story' in the title, not to mention the short story being categorised as 'fiction' and of course the disclaimer in the blurb should all have acted as subtle clues that this was a fictional short story, not an instruction manual.

However, even more ridiculously stupid than the fact that this reader foolishly hoped my short story was an instruction manual, is the fact that she effectively admitted her murderous intentions on Amazon in her review for the entire world to read!

Charles Fudgemuffin's advice: For the benefit of any mariticidal women who are planning to murder their husbands, my advice would be this...

Don't publish a confession of your intended crime in a review on Amazon!

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I'm very easily amused, so I often laugh at things which weren't intended to be funny, but which I nevertheless found amusing. I'll therefore no doubt have another post at some point in future on 'things that unintentionally made me laugh'.

You can find more unintentionally amusing things in my previous blog posts:
Things that unintentionally made me laugh (part 1)
Things that unintentionally made me laugh (part 2)