Christmas memes and jokes

It's less than a week until Christmas, so can you guess what this week's blog post theme is about?

Yes, that's right! Christmas! Great guess!*

* If you guessed wrong, then please ignore the above congratulatory message.

Anyway, here are a few memes and jokes on the theme of Christmas.

1) Imagine if you lived at number 5 in this street. Imagine how awkward it would be trying to book a taxi near Christmas time.

5 Gold Rings.
A great address for fans of Christmas, but not so great for anyone trying to book a taxi.

Taxi driver: "Where to?"
Passenger: "Five Gold Rings, please."
Taxi driver: "No, seriously. Where do you want to go?"
Passenger: "Five Gold Rings."
Taxi driver: "Right! That's it! If you're not going to be serious, then get out!"

Random silliness (part 4)

I'm generally quite silly on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog, but it's been a while since I've been specifically silly. Thankfully, I rectify that this week, as this week's blog post features another batch of random silliness!

1) Here's how to write 'hello' in mandarin.

Credit: @mary_rider

If anyone was hoping for a serious answer, then you're in luck! The serious answer is 'ni hao'.

Personally though, I prefer the silly answer.

Funny things kids say (part 12)

It's time for another round up of funny things that kids say. As usual the following quotes are from a variety of sources, most of them from the internet, and one or two from real life.

Beautiful stars.
So beautiful, they're worth staying up past your bedtime for.

1) The glory of creation

Here's a kid with an appreciation for the beauty of the Universe:

Kid: "Mommy, if we are supposed to sleep at night why did God make stars so beautiful?"

Credit: @MadHatterMommy

Very true, although I suspect the kid in question was just trying to stay up past their bedtime.

How to be a rebel! (part 4)

I filled in a job application form recently, and it asked me to describe myself in three words, so I wrote:

"I am a rebel!"

If, like me, you'd also like to be a rebel, then you've come to the right place, because this week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog highlights a few examples which demonstrate the art of being a rebel.

1) Rebellious diver

Top marks for the amount of effort put in to create this first act of rebellion.

Credit: flickr

"Don't tell me where I can dive! I'll dive where I want!"

In all seriousness, apparently he was leak testing the pool, but either way, he was still breaking the rules!

Guess the weird headline quiz

I've featured weird headlines before on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog, and I've also featured quizzes. This week, however, I combine the two with a quiz about weird headlines.

For each question, I've removed a word (or words) from the headline, and you have to guess what the missing word (or words) is (or are). To give you a helping hand, each question is multiple choice, so you have four possible answers to choose from. And remember, each headline is weird, so the correct answer may not be what you expect.

"What do you call a yellow bird with a haircut who likes James Bond?"
"A shorn canary."

Please note, to make things trickier I have used a random number of stars for each censored word. (If the number of stars corresponded to the number of missing letters, you would be able to cheat and work out the correct answers!)

1) To start things off, here's a headline that will appeal to movie lovers.

"The name is Bond, James ****."

A) Bond
B) 007
C) The Cat
D) Rodriguez

Silly protest banners

Protest banners and protest messages can sometimes be controversial and divide opinion. However, they can also be a source of amusement.

This week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog takes a look at a few protest banners and messages that brought a smirk to my face.

1) Homeless go home

Strictly speaking, this first example is protest graffiti, rather than a protest banner, but either way it's rather bizarre.

What part of 'homeless' do they not understand?

Jokes that work better when spoken aloud (part 2)

You would think that jokes that work better when spoken aloud would be a poor choice of subject for a blog post, given that this blog is published in written form. However, the last time I featured a blog post on jokes that work better when spoken out loud, it got a surprisingly high number of page views.

My cold field. (Mike Oldfield)

Legal disclaimer: This isn't really my field.
It's just a random photo that I found on Pixabay.

I'm a firm believer in paying attention to your audience, so with that in mind, this week's written blog post features the poorly chosen subject of jokes that work better when spoken aloud.

To compensate for my poor choice of medium, you may wish to read the following jokes out loud in order to enhance your joke reading pleasure. However, if you do, make sure you're not on public transport at the time, otherwise people might think you're a bit mad!

1) I thought I heard Tubular Bells on my farm last winter, but it was just my cold field.




2) I asked a Cambodian what language he spoke.

"Khmer," he answered.

"No, you come here," I replied.

The funny side of politics

I generally like to cover lighthearted subjects on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog, so that obviously rules politics out.

Or does it?

This week I've decided to attempt an impossible task and feature politics without upsetting anyone. Read on to see if I succeed...

1) Here's a policy that I can certainly get behind...

"Vote no on everything.
We don't need it!
We can't afford it!"

Confusing perspective (Cat edition)

It's been a while since my last 'Confusing Perspective' blog post, so this week I intend to correct that.

The good news for cat lovers is that this latest batch of confusing perspective photos are all cat themed! However, the bad news for people who aren't cat lovers is that this latest batch of confusing perspective photos are all cat themed!

Nevertheless, if you're not a cat lover, then I would still recommend that you check out the photos anyway. I mean, you might as well, seeing as how you're already here.

1) Floating cat

To start things off, here's a cat with impressive magical powers. As you can see, it's floating in the air!

Harry Meowdini. Credit: imgur

Apparently, some people claim that the cat isn't actually floating and it's just a stain on the floor which looks like a shadow. However, I would recommend that you ignore those disbelieving people.

Made up statistics

According to recent research, only 46% of scientific studies could be reproduced, i.e. the other 54% were impossible to reproduce, suggesting the 'scientists' doing the original study had either 'fudged' the results, or were massively incompetent.

Here's the proof!

Credit: reddit

It's shocking, but sadly not surprising, that modern science is less reliable than a coin flip, but on the positive side, it did at least provide the inspiration for this week's blog post.

Which is a fancy way of saying that I've decided to get in on the game and post a few made up statistics of my own...

1) Studies show that watching a beaver eat cabbage lowers stress by 17%.




2) The phrase 'Don't take this the wrong way' has a 0% success rate.

Isn't it ironic? (part 4)

The other day my friend told me I don't know what ironic means, which was ironic because we were at the beach at the time.

Editor: "Charles, then I suspect your friend was right, because irony has nothing to do with the beach."
Charles: "Yes, I know. I was just being ironic."

Anyway, it's National Irony Day today (October 12th, for the benefit of anyone who is reading this blog post in the future), so this week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog features another round-up of ironic photos, comments and observations.

1) Ironic statue

To start things off, here's a statue to celebrate freedom, locked behind a chain fence.

Credit: Imgur

"They may take our lives, but they'll never take ... the keys to our chained fence!"

Dead Man's Switch

Dead Man's Switch
by Charles Fudgemuffin

Exciting news! My latest book 'Dead Man's Switch' was released this week!

To promote it, this week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog takes a lighthearted look at the subject of death, starting with an optimistically accurate Japanese word...

1) In Japanese, the kanji for 'widow' translates as 'not dead yet person'.




2) I helped my friend hide a dead body.

He said, "Thanks."

I said, "Don't mention it."

Legal disclaimer: The above story is a work of fiction for the purposes of making a joke. In reality, my friend is extremely ungrateful, and would never say thank you.

The funny side of art

Art can be perceived as a very serious subject, but it does also have a lighthearted side. To demonstrate, this week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog takes a look at the funny side of art.

1) To start things off, here's a portrait of an old queen pictured the time when she foolishly bit into a raisin cookie thinking it was a chocolate chip cookie.

"Disgusting!"

From personal experience, I can confirm that the artist has captured her expression perfectly!

The Idiot Awards (part 6)

A wise man once said, "If you make it idiot proof, someone will just make a better idiot!"

Judging by some of the idiots featured in this week's blog post he was right, because this week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog hosts the sixth edition of the Idiot Awards.

1) Pizza idiot

The first idiot award goes not to whoever wrote the message on this pizza box, but for whoever needed such a message.

"Open box before eating pizza."

If you could eat the pizza without opening the box, that would be pretty impressive!

10 funny quiz show answers (part 11)

Contestants on TV quiz shows can win a lot of prizes ... but only if they don't give silly answers!

Thankfully, that applies to lots of contestants, as evidenced by the fact that this week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog features its eleventh round up of funny quiz show answers.

Nervous reader: "Aargh!"
Charles Fudgemuffin: "I did warn you."

However, as a warning for the first question, those of a nervous disposition should look away now...

1) "Name something that makes you scream."
"A squirrel."




2) Be very careful if you live near to this next contestant...

Les Dennis: "Other than crime, name something associated with Inspector Morse."
Contestant: "Murder."
Les Dennis: "So you don't see murder as a crime?"

Amusingly confused (part 2)

Confusion can be annoying, but it can also at times be amusing. So with that in mind, this week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog highlights another selection of amusingly confused examples.

1) Confusing sign

To start things off, here's a sign that could potentially lead to confusing amusement.

Credit: imgur

Bar.
Cocktails.
Dancing sandwiches.

"Wow! Dancing sandwiches! That sounds impressive! I never knew sandwiches could dance!"

Marketing advice

Every week I receive dozens* of emails asking me, "Charles, you run a very successful blog, and I'm sure that marketing your blog is a big part of that success. Could you therefore share some of your marketing tips with your readers?"

* Actual figure may vary.

Well, I always like to listen to my readers, so this week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog shares a few useful tips for anyone looking for marketing advice.

1) Know your audience

The first rule of marketing is know your audience. So for example if you're renting out a flat for £15,492 per month, then that makes it ideal for the budget of your average student!

Student: "£15,492 per calendar month. That's just what I'm looking for!"

A list of lists

This week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog features some of my favourite lists. And as there's several of them, that makes it a list of lists!

Worcestershire Sauce, pictured yesterday.

1) List One

The three hardest things to say:

1) I was wrong.
2) I need help.
3) Worcestershire sauce.

2) List Two

Top three ways to tell your wife she's just like her mother without her getting upset:

Funny football quotes (part 17)

This weekend brings good news for football fans with withdrawal symptoms over the summer, because a new season of the Premier League starts today!

We've managed to obtain a photo of the footballer
that David Pleat was referring to.

As has become customary, the Charles Fudgemuffin blog celebrates the new season by bringing you another collection of amusing football themed quotes from players, managers, and pundits.

1) “He is an interesting player ... short back legs.”
...David Pleat

And what about his front legs? Are they short as well?



2) “That kind of natural understanding doesn’t develop naturally.”
…Kenny Cunningham



3) “I will never forget my first game for England at the World Cup. It was against Turkey. No, I mean Tunisia.”
…David Seaman

Things that unintentionally made me laugh (part 5)

Regular readers of the Charles Fudgemuffin blog may be aware that on some occasions I find amusement in things that aren't intended to be funny. This week's blog post is another round up of items fitting that description.

1) Dog drawing contest

To start things off, here's a dog drawing contest that made me laugh.

"Remember that the winner of this contest was chosen through likes."

Personally, I don't understand why they felt the need to clarify how the winner was chosen. Surely the artistic brilliance of the winner would have shone through whatever method they used?

Random thoughts (part 13)

This week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog takes a look at a selection of random subjects, including energy drinks, weather forecasts, and social media. As this is the 13th such collection of random thoughts, I've cleverly entitled it, 'Random thoughts (part 13)'.

A bald man.

Editor: "Charles, was the caption really necessary? I think the
readers can work out for themselves that it's a bald man."

1) Bald curiosity

When bald men wash their face, how high up do they go?

2) Breaking news

If liars pants really did catch on fire, then watching the news would be a lot more entertaining!

3) Cool idea

I wish there was a way to use your phone to text someone, but instead of typing what you want to say, you would just say it out loud into the phone and the other person could hear you and they could just talk back to you out loud.

Inspirational motivational quotes

Years ago when I used to use facebook, I remember that a few of my facebook friends would often post motivational quotes on their timelines. This week I've decided to take inspiration from those quotes and share a few motivational quotes myself.

However, you may notice that some of the following 'motivational' quotes aren't quite as motivational as they first seem...

1) Parent quote

To start things off, here's an embarassed looking cat that looked a good fit for the accompanying quote.

"Don't be ashamed of who you are. That's your parents job!"

Superhero related thoughts (part 3)

Superhero fans will know that a new Deadpool movie comes out next week (July 26th, 2024, to be precise). Technically speaking, Deadpool isn't really a superhero, he's a villain who became so popular that Marvel decided to loosely convert him to a 'hero' for financial purposes.

Deadpool.
A former villain turned ... still a villain, really.

However, even though Deadpool isn't really a superhero, I've nevertheless decided to use it as an excuse for another round-up of random superhero related thoughts.

1) A dubious moral of the story

Most superheroes ganied their power either from an accident or they were born with them. Most villains gained their power from having extreme intelligence or years of hard work.

What message are Marvel and DC trying to teach us?

2) Green light for crime

The Bat Signal basically tells every criminal in Gotham that Batman is going to be busy, so the best time to commit a crime would be while the Bat Signal is on.

Question of the day (part 3)

If it's good enough for Alan Partridge, then it's good enough for the Charles Fudgemuffin blog! I'm talking of course about the 'Question of the day' which Alan features on his Mid Morning Matters phone in show.

Another batch of questions designed to get you thinking,
starting with a money themed dilemma.

Alan's questions of the day are designed to be serious, but can often be unintentionally silly. The following questions are deliberately chosen to be a mixture of serious and silly.

Serious:

1) Would you rather win ten thousand pounds or your best friend wins a million pounds?



Silly:

2) Isn't it worrying that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

The funny side of fashion

It's National Fashion Day on July 9th, so to celebrate this week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog takes a lighthearted look at the latest styles and trends.

1) The Nando's look

Barber: "How would you like your hair cut?"
Footballer: "Well, you know the Nando's logo..."
Barber: "No problem!"

Credit: Who Ate All The Pies

What a peri unusual hairstyle!

Stating the obvious (part 2)

When I feature a follow up blog post on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog, I generally label it 'part 2'. That's because it's the second instalment, and part 2 comes after part 1, therefore I call it part 2.

You might be thinking that's obvious. Why did I bother explaining something as obvious as that?

Well, the reason is because this week features another collection of 'stating the obvious' examples, and I like to practice what I preach!

1) Obvious marriage

To start things off, here's an amusingly obvious headline...

"Couple gets married during wedding."

You have to wonder, did whoever wrote this headline know how weddings work? Of course they got married! That's kind of the whole point! What else are they going to do during a wedding?

In other news, man eats food during meal.

10 music jokes (part 5)

National Music Day falls on June 21st and it's become something of a tradition on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog to mark the occasion with a collection of musically themed jokes.

I'm not sure who this belongs to, but it's
definitely not Elvis, as he returned his.

1) Me: "I've just seen Elvis in B&Q."
Mate: "What was he doing there?"
Me: "Returned a sander."



2) Can you imagine how much permanent damage we'd have done to our arms if the Village People had called it the GHZB.

Credit: @TheNewsAtGlenn



3) Noel Gallagher went to a world heritage site in Cambodia and was told by a buddhist monk not to turn around and look upon the temple as he left.

"Don't look back in Angkor," he said.

Top tips for parents

I occasionally like to feature silly top tips on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog, and as tomorrow is Father's Day, this week's batch of top tips are all aimed at parents. Please note, the following tips are not meant to be taken seriously. That said, some of them do contain a grain of truth.

Breakfast cereal, ideal for anyone looking for a high sugar diet.
(Excluding Shredded Wheat, which has no sugar.)

To start off, here's a parenting tip that most parents can probably relate to...

1) If your kids suddenly start getting along and are nice to each other for no reason, be very, very suspicious.

Credit: @Cheeseboy22



2) Find out what cereal you don't have by asking your kids what they want for breakfast.

Strange combinations

Some things go together like a horse and carriage. For example, love and marriage.

Other things go together like oil and water. This week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog takes a look at
some of those oil and water combinations.

1) Funerals and potatoes

To start the ball rolling, here's a business which offers a strange combination of services.

Funerals and potatoes.

Sidney: "I'm just off to Henry's funeral"
Maureen: "Get some potatoes while you're there."

Silly multiple choice quiz (part 2)

Let's starts this week's blog post with a multiple choice question:

Can you tell me what national day it is today?"

A) National Multiple Choice Day
B) National Fudgemuffin Day
C) National Heimlich Maneuver Day
D) No, I can't.

The correct answer was C. However, if you didn't know the answer, then D was also technically correct.

An image created by AI.

However, even though today is National Heimlich Maneuver Day, and even though National Mutiple Choice Day isn't even a real thing, I'm nevertheless feeling in a rebelious mood! So for this week's blog post I've decided to feature another silly multiple choice quiz featuring a selection of random silly questions!

1) Artificial 'intelligence'

First up, take a look at this image pictured to the right which I created using AI. Can you guess what the prompt was that I used to create the image?

A) Hot air balloon floating over the mountains.
B) Beautiful waterfall surrounded by flowers.
C) Colourful scene from nature with flowers in the foreground.
D) Clever idiot.

Smiley faces in things (part 2)

It's only a few days until National Smile Day*, so to celebrate this week's blog post features another collection of pareidolia themed smiley photos.

* May 31st.

1) Smiley vertebrae

This is vertebrae C6. Look how happy it is to support you every day!

Credit: Orlando Science Center

On a related note, I'm thinking of removing my spine.
It's only holding me back.

Legal disclaimer: Not really. It's just a silly pun. #PleaseDontTryThisAtHome

Funny football quotes (part 16)

Another season of the Premier League comes to a conclusion this weekend, so that can only mean one thing. It's time for another round-up of silly football themed quotes!

"Hurray! We're two nil down!"

1) "Not only has he shown Junior Lewis the red card, but he's also sent him off!"
...Chris Kamara



2) "The good news for Paraguay is that they've gone two-nil down so early on."
...Kevin Keegan



3) "We had a good team on paper. Unfortunately the game is played on grass."
...Brian Clough

Cool foreign words (part 2)

I've featured a 'cool foreign words' true or false quiz before on the Charles Fudfemuffin blog, but there are so many cool foreign words that I decided to create a follow up quiz!

Once again, take a look at the following eight words from eight different languages, and see if you can work out whether the alleged foreign words are real, or whether I've just made them up...

Iceland...

I don't have a photo of a hedgehog rat (because they
don't exist), so here's a photo of a hedgehog dog instead.

Editor's note: "Charles, hedgehog dogs don't exist either."
Charles: "Well clearly they must, otherwise how would I get the photo?"

1) Hedgehog = Spiky rat

In Iceland they apparently don't have a very high opinion of hedgehogs, because the Icelandic word for hedgehog is 'skitugrotta' which literally translates as spiky rat! I can obviously see where the spiky comes from, but in my opinion hedgehogs are far too nice to be compared with rats.

True or false?

Random Star Wars thoughts (part 2)

It's almost Star Wars Day*, so this week the Charles Fudgemuffin features a collection of random Star Wars related thoughts.

Tatooine.
Strangely similar to Tunisia on Earth.

* May 4th, chosen because of a pun on words, i.e. May the Fourth be with you.

1) Surely Luke Skywalker would have been pretty annoyed at Obi-Wan Kenobi when he found out that Leia grew up as royalty on Alderaan while he grew up as a moisture farmer on Tatooine?




2) Baby Yoda's first word probably came after his second word.

Top Tips (part 6)

If there's one thing the world needs more of, it's silly advice of a non-serious nature. Coincidentally, that's exactly what this week's blog post features, as this week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog collects another round-up of lighthearted top tips.

Editor's note: "Charles, that's the wrong type of 'tip'."
Charles: "Oops, sorry!"

To get the ball rolling, here's a tip for mischievous drivers...

1) Fool car passengers into thinking you've kidnapped a helpful person by placing your satnav in the boot.




2) Lazy people. Call your dog 'Ten Miles', then you can honestly tell people you walked 'Ten Miles' today.

Paradoxes (part 3)

When I was younger, I was fascinated by Ascending and Descending by M.S. Escher which shows a paradoxical image of a perpetually rising staircase. Admittedly, you probably don't care about my childhood fascinations, after all, I'm just a random stranger on the internet! However, it does give me a way to lead into this week's blog post, as this week I feature another round up of light-hearted paradoxes.

Why did Pinocchio's nose never grow 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot!

1) The Pinocchio Paradox

If Pinnochio said his nose was about to grow, would it?

2) The Dog's Dinner Paradox

If you make a complete dog's dinner of your new pet food recipe, has it been a success or not!?

Cats and dogs (part 5)

National Pet Day falls on 11th April, so this week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog pays tribute to our furry friends with another blog post on cats and dogs.

Cats and dogs make a welcome return to the Charles Fudgemuffin blog.

1) When you go to work each morning, your dog probably thinks you're going for a walk on your own for eight hours.



2) On a related note, the reason why dogs love destroying shoes is probably because they see humans putting them on before they leave the house.

Teddy bear jokes and facts

My latest book 'Planet Of The Teddy Bears' was released this week, so to promote it, this week's blog post features a selection of teddy bear memes, teddy bear jokes, and random teddy bear facts.

Planet Of The Teddy Bears
by Charles Fudgemuffin

1) The world's largest teddy bear

Have you ever wondered how big the world's largest teddy bear is? Then wonder no more!

The world's largest teddy bear is a massive 55 foot tall, and is located at the Exploration Place in Wichita, Kansas.

To help you put that into perspective, a bowling lane is approximately 60 foot long, so it's almost as tall as a bowling lane is long!

So if you were planning on buying it, then I hope you've got a very big house! Also, I hope you're prepared to be disappointed, because the Exploration Place probably won't sell it.

Discaimer: Apologies to anyone who hasn't ever wondered
how big the world's largest teddy bear is. I'll try
to more accurately predict your teddy bear themed
wonderings when coming up with future facts.

Bad advice

Legal disclaimer: The advice contained in this article is clearly labelled as bad advice. That means it would be foolish to follow it. Charles Fudgemuffin accepts no liability in the event that any fools happen to be reading this, and decide to ignore my warning and follow the bad advice anyway. Those who do follow the bad advice do so at their own risk.

"Oo! Is that for me!?"
"No, you said you didn't want anything."

Okay, now that I've got the warning out of the way, let's move on to the bad advice...

1) Bad advice for boyfriends (part 1)

If your girlfriend says, 'Don't get me any presents for my birthday,' don't get her any. It will show her that you're a good listener.

2) Bad advice for writers

Be sure to keep your ink pens clean by throwing them in with the laundry.

Funny supermarket photos (part 4)

It's time for another trip to the store, as this week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog features another round-up of noteworthy photos from the supermarket.

1) Happy donuts

To start things off on a positive note, look at the joy on the faces of these 'happy' donuts!

Credit: Imgur

The donut on the right looks particularly ecstatic.

1st donut: "Hey's what's eating you?"
2nd donut: "Nobody ... yet."

Taking things literally

This week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog takes a look at a few examples where things were taken just a little bit too literally.

1) The top states to live in

If you're American and you've ever wondered what the top states to live in are, then the following image provides the answer.

Bonus Alaska joke:

An Alaskan was on trial, and the prosecutor asked him, "Where were you on the night of October to April?"

No Smoking Day (part 3)

By the 1950s, tobacco companies (and governments) knew that smoking was bad for people's health, but it wasn't until years later that they finally admitted it. For years they enlisted scientists and the media to smear those who warned the public about the dangers of smoking. Sadly, their lies worked, because it wasn't until 1982* that cigarette sales finally started to drop in the United States.

* Source: https://tobaccocontrol.bmj.com/content/21/2/87

Since the truth finally leaked out about smoking, thousands of people every year try to give up smoking, and in fact there's even a day especially for that purpose, creatively named ... No Smoking Day! This year No Smoking Day falls on 13th March, so to 'celebrate', this week's blog post features a no smoking theme.

1) The simplest way to give up is to follow the example of this statue, and just say no.

Just say no.

"No thanks, mate. They stunt your growth."

Credit: Reddit

Captcha memes and jokes

One thing I find annoying about the internet is having to fill out captchas to prove I'm not a robot.

However, the good news is that although this week's blog post features several captchas, you won't have to fill any of them out, because the captchas below aren't real captchas. They're just silly memes!

1) Bugs captcha

At first glance, any insect experts reading this* may think that the following captcha is right up their street. However, closer inspection reveals that the captcha is targeted more towards computer programmers, rather than entomologists.

* Of which I'm sure there are many.

"Select all squares with bugs."

Fake headlines quiz

This week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog puts your detective skills to the test with a multiple choice quiz on the theme of fake headlines. Each multiple choice category features four headlines based on a similar theme, but only three of the headlines are real headlines taken from actual news websites.

Take a look at the following categories and see if you can spot which are the fake headlines:

Crime:

To start things off, this first batch of headlines are all based on the unfortunately common news theme of crime.

"Money well spent!"

A) "A man tried to rob a bank after paying $500 to a wizard to make him invisible."

On first hearing this story, my reaction was, "There's no way that can possibly be true." However, before making your decision, I should add that the gullible dude lived in Iran where ridiculous superstitions are apparently more commonly believed than in the West.*

* With the exception of ****** ******* and ******* ******* obviously.

B) "Pub quiz cheats to face prison sentences of up to 6 years if Labour win the next general election, Keith Starmer announces."

With all the increasing real crimes in modern day Britain, it does seem a little bizarre to go after pub quiz cheats.


C) "'Everyone makes mistakes' says teen who karate-kicked 74 year old man into River Mersey."

I wonder if he'd be quite so relaxed if the judge 'mistakenly' gave him a fifty year prison sentence.


D) "A prisoner who briefly died argues that he's served his life sentence."

This sounds like a silly joke headline that someone might make up, but incredibly, the prisoner's case actually went to the Court Of Appeals in Iowa!

Which headline is fake?

Quirks of the English language (part 4)

English can be a strange and confusing language, with lots of weird and wonderful quirks. This week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog highlights a few more of those quirks.

A baseball player strikes the ball to avoid a strike.

1) Cucumber as a cool

The sentence, "Are you as cool as I am?", can be said backwards and still makes sense.

2) Contradictory language (part 1)

strike

Verb
1. To hit.
2. To miss in an attempt to hit (esp. baseball).

15 Alan Partridge quotes (part 2)

A new Alan Partridge series was announced this week; 'And Did Those Feet... with Alan Partridge', a spoof documentary which follows Alan as he reintegrates into life in Britain after a year working in Saudi Arabia.

There's no release date as yet, however, so for any Alan Partridge fans, here's another selection of Alan Partridge quotes to keep you going until 'And Did Those Feet' hits our screens.

Alan Partridge discusses hawks.

1) "Today's sad story is from Deidre Thomas from Dibbs Lane in Holt. 'Dear Alan, I want to be as honest as I can with you, so I hope you'll understand that I'd rather remain anonymous...'"



2) "My greatest achievement is my consistent resistance to dumbing down. I think if anything, I’ve tried to dumb up."



3) To a hawk at a bird sanctuary...

"I'm sorry Mr Hawk, your pardon has been turned down. You have been found guilty of premeditated homicide of a mouse, and you will be hanged by the neck until dead. And don’t try to hover up so that the rope goes slack. They could do that, couldn't they?"

Library humour

Libraries have a reputation for being somewhere where you can read books. Deservedly so, some would argue.

However, libraries can also be a source of humour, as the following memes demonstrate...

1) Mystery humour

To start things off, here's a book category which does exactly what it says on the tin.

Credit: imgur

Mystery by name...

...mystery by nature!

Funny sports quotes (part 2)

I often feature funny football quotes on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog, but this week I spread the net further afield as I round up a collection of funny quotes from a variety of miscellaneous sports.

To start things off, here are a couple of tennis quotes which made me chuckle...

Remember John Lloyd's advice!

Tennis:

1) "It is vital in a match like this that Chris remembers to breathe."
...John Lloyd.

I would say that was vital in any match!


2) "Every player can serve over 125 miles."
...Roger Federer.

Wow! 125 miles? That's a very far serve!

They did the math(s), badly

When someone has analysed the statistics to arrive at an accurate and impressive conclusion, we sum that up by saying, 'They did the math(s)."

* In the UK, we say 'they did the maths'. In the US, it's 'they did the math', so delete as appropriate based on your location.

An empty Emirates Stadium, after Mikel Arteta implements
a mathematically impossible selection criteria.

However, not everyone that does the math(s), does so correctly. Here are some examples where they did the math(s) ... badly.

1) No players

Here's a quote from Mikel Arteta which suggests he plans to field a team of no players, after failing to understand the basic rules of percentages.

Mikel Arteta: "My philosophy will be clear. I will have everyone 120% committed, that's the first thing. If not, you don't play for me."

Footballers are known for their intelligence **shifty eyes**, so presumably the Arsenal players ruled themselves out of contention...

"Sorry, boss. The most I can possibly be committed is 100%, so I'm afraid I can't play."

Breaking news...

We interrupt this blog to bring you the latest news headlines. Please note, all but one of the following news stories are actually fictitious fabrications created purely for the purposes of daft amusement.

The police working tirelessly.

1) The police are looking for a man who has been stealing the wheels off police cars.

A police statement read, "We are working tirelessly to catch him."



2) A fire broke out at a local yodeling school.

Everyone was asked to exit in an orderly orderly orderly manner.