Saturday 29 December 2018

Funny supermarket photos

This week's blog post features a selection of unusual signs, labels and general products from the supermarket...

1) Harmless coconut water


I can't help wondering, why do they feel the need to specify 'harmless'? What other varieties is it available in?

'Harmless' coconut water.

Saturday 22 December 2018

Christmas statistics

Christmas is the season for kindness, generosity, celebration, gratitude, and of course ... statistics!

Admittedly, kindness and generosity are generally more commonly associated with Christmas than statistics, but this week's blog post features a round-up of Christmas themed statistics, so that was the reason for the rather contrived introduction.

Anyway, without further ado, here are a selection of Christmas themed statistics...

By the glum expression on this dog's face, presumably
he was one of the 30% of dogs with a stingy owner.

1) 30% stingy


According to a survey, 7 out of 10 British dogs get Christmas gifts from their loving owners.

Only 7 out of 10! What sort of stingy dog owner doesn't buy their dog some toys for Christmas!?



2) We wish you a heavy Christmas


If everyone in the world left Santa a glass of milk and some biscuits/cookies, he would consume 475 billion calories in one night! Wow! No wonder Santa is a little on the large size!

If any statistical nerds (like myself) want to check the figures, here are the calculations:

Saturday 15 December 2018

Top selling toys from decades gone by (part 3)

Some of the top selling toys from recent years don't seem to have the instant recognisability of toys from when I was a kid. So if you're like me, and toys like a 'Nerf Demolisher' and a 'Toot-toot Animals Safari Park' mean nothing to you, then take a nostalgic trip down memory lane with the following selection of the most popular best selling toys from Christmases gone by*1.

*1 Source: The Evening Chronicle website.

Playmobil.
Popular in the 1960s and still going strong.

The 60s


1) Remote control cars

2) Etch-a-sketch
3) PlayMobil

Remote control cars seem pretty unremarkable nowadays, but when they were first released, apparently being able to control a miniaturised car without the need for wires to be attached was regarded as a really impressive achievement.

The popularity of etch-a-sketch must have lasted long after its original release, as I can remember having an etch-a-sketch many years later. At the time it seemed like a really cool toy, but looking back it was an extremely impractical idea - having to draw a blocky picture by turning a couple of knobs - and it looks pretty antiquated nowadays compared to the Playstations and Xboxes of today.


Saturday 8 December 2018

Cool Words From Around The World

I feature words on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog quite often ... every week in fact! Every blog post is filled with words and photos!

But what I mean is that from time to time I like to take a specific look at cool words from around the world, so this week it's time for another round-up of cool words from around the world...

Look at all those 'toes of the hand'!
Editor's note: "Charles, you've got it the wrong way round.
It's fingers of the foot, not toes of the hand."
Charles: "I know, I was just being stupid. Sorry."

1) Foot fingers


The Italian expression to describe a toe is 'dito del piede' which literally translates as 'finger of the foot' which is a very cool way to describe your toes!



2) Tartle


I'm very bad at forgetting people's names, so I tartle quite a lot. That's because 'tartle' is a Scottish word which means to hesitate when introducing someone because you’ve forgotten their name.

So just to make things absolutely clear, to tartle means to, er ... well, it means ... er, obviously tartle, er ... is a word, er ... and it's meaning is, er ... well...

Saturday 1 December 2018

Wikipedia vandalism

According to the misery guts at wikipedia, the term 'wikipedia vandalism' refers to:

Real life vandalism is sad,
but wikipedia vandalism can be funny!
"The act of editing the project in a malicious manner that is intentionally disruptive."

To all normal people though, 'wikipedia vandalism' refers to:

"Editing a wikipedia page for a bit of a laugh!"

Here are a few examples of wikipedia vandalism malicious intentional disruption...

1) Batman


One of my favourite examples of wikipedia vandalism is perhaps also one of the most childish. It's an edit which was made to the Batman page...

I've highlighted the relevant text in yellow.

Saturday 24 November 2018

Controversial questions (part 2)

Here at the Charles Fudgemuffin blog, we're not afraid to ask controversial questions, so this week it's time to shine the spotlight on controversial subjects once again, as we take a look at polarising topics such as sandwiches, tomato ketchup, and of course no article on controversial questions would be complete without a discussion on toilet rolls.

But to start things off, let's ask...

A sandwich.
To cut or not to cut, that is not the question.
The question is how to cut.

1) Should sandwiches be cut into rectangles or triangles?


I have to admit I generally don't bother cutting sandwiches at all, and if I'm feeling really lazy I don't even bother putting butter on my sandwich!

However, as I discovered when I recently raised the subject at work, for many people the topic of how to cut your sandwiches can be a very emotional subject.

But which side of the fence to you sit on?

Saturday 17 November 2018

Fawlty Tea Rooms

Basil Fawlty is one of the all-time classic soap sitcom characters, and during his time as manager of Fawlty Towers, be came out with some great insults. Here are some insults directed at his wife Sybil:

"My little piranha fish."
"Sybil has spent a hard day slaving under the hairdryer."

"Why don't you have another vat of wine dear?"

"My little piranha fish."


"Why don't you syringe the doughnuts out of your ears?"

When Sybil is trying to remember if she has forgotten anything: "Handbag, knuckle dusters, flick knife?"

When Sybil is going out in the car: "Don't drive over any mines or anything!"

After Sybil complains of having a difficult day: "Oh Dear! Did you get entangled in the eiderdown again? Not enough cream in your eclair? You didn't have time to perm your ears?"

However, it appears that Basil may have a real life rival, if the replies to some of the reviews of The Well Walk Tea Rooms on Trip Advisor are anything to go by.

Before I get to the replies, I should point out that The Well Walk Tea Rooms has an overall rating of 4.5 stars, so any negative reviews are very definitely in the minority. Anyway, check out some of the replies from the manager...


Saturday 10 November 2018

True or false: Weird national days (part 2)

I've featured Weird National Days before on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog, and as I often like to recycle ideas, here's another batch of weird and wacky national days.

However, once again, to test your wits I've also included a few random made-up days. See if you can guess which of the following are real national days, and which are nothing more than figments of my imagination...

Soup.
Ideal for swapping.

1) Jan 20th - National Soup Swap Day


A day when you swap soup with your friends and colleagues!

Why do we need a special day for this? I would have thought surely most people swap soup with their friends and colleagues every day?

National Soup Swap Day - True or false?

Saturday 3 November 2018

Stupid questions: The 'Guess my age' game

"Guess how old I am? Go on, have a guess! You'll never guess!"
Previously on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog I've highlighted stupid questions, and perhaps the most stupid question of all-time can be found at the following link:

"And the award for the most stupid question ever goes to..."

All of the previously featured stupid questions have been stupid because the answer is so obvious.  However, this week's stupid question is stupid for another reason.

The stupid question in question this week is the question...

"How old do you think I am?"


Perhaps this would be better described as a 'dangerous' question, rather than a stupid question, but either way, you'd have to be stupid to risk answering it.  And if anyone ever does answer this question, they never answer honestly.  Instead, their mind process works like this...

Saturday 27 October 2018

True or false: Six scary 'facts' for Halloween (part 2)

It's Halloween in a few days' time, so with that in mind my latest short story, 'Burn The Witch', has a kind of a scary theme to it!

'Burn The Witch'
The latest short story from Charles Fudgemuffin.
But the Halloween theme isn't over yet, because to continue the scariness, this week's blog post features a true or false quiz with a scary Halloween theme.

Take a look at the following facts and bluffs, and see if you can suss out which claims are true, and which claims are nothing but a devious bluff...

1) Scary Creepy director


In the movie Halloween, the character Laurie Strode was named after the director John Carpenter's first girlfriend ... which I find a little bit creepy to name the slasher victim after your ex-girlfriend.

True or false?

Saturday 20 October 2018

The Idiot Awards!

This week sees the start of a new feature on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog ... the Idiot Awards! Not that any explanation is needed, but the Idiot Awards officially recognise excellence in the field of idiocy!

Earth.
Home to numerous idiots.
Here are the first batch of winners...

1) Law abiding criminals


To start things off, this week's first Idiot Award goes to Geoffrey Vos who proposed that the government should introduce a new law to force people to carry a mobile phone that was permanently switched on, because this would make it easier to track and catch criminals.

Yes, of course it would, Geoffrey, because criminals would definitely follow the law, wouldn't they?

Oh, hang on ... I think I've spotted one tiny flaw in Geoffrey's logic, which I've highlighted with the following conversation between two hypothetical criminals...

Saturday 13 October 2018

10 cool Swedish words and expressions (part 4)

I love the Swedish language, so I've featured posts on Swedish words before on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog, and this week it's time for another round-up of some of my favourite cool Swedish words and expressions...

"Ribbit!"

1) Teenage mutant ninja shield toads!


As I've highlighted in previous blog posts, the Swedish language has quite a few words which describe something in a creative manner, and the Swedish word for turtle also follows that pattern.

In Swedish, a turtle is known as a 'sköldpadda' which literally translates as a 'shield toad'. If you're being creative, then I suppose a turtle does kind of look like a toad with a shield on its back.

Saturday 6 October 2018

Funny signs (part 2)

It's time for another collection of amusing signs, starting with a sign found in the window of a very ambiguously named shop...

1) Ambiguous shop name


Hmm, I wonder what this shop serves...

Burritos & Tacos
Now serving: Burritos & Tacos

I'm glad they added the 'Now Serving: Burritos & Tacos' sign clarifying what they serve, as the vague ambiguous name of the shop left me unsure.

Saturday 29 September 2018

Weird headlines

This week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog takes a look at a selection of weird and wonderful news headlines...

1) Strange priorities


Whoever wrote this first headline has got a strange sense of priorities...

Road sign ruined. In other news, a woman was taken to hospital.

Oh, no! The road sign was ruined! Oh ... and a woman was taken to hospital.

Saturday 22 September 2018

How many ... does it take to change a light bulb?

You're going to think I'm making this up, but this coming Thursday is National Light Bulb Day! Whoever felt the need for a special day to celebrate light bulbs, must have been quite a weird person, but anyway, in honour of this 'special day' here's a collection of light bulb jokes...

That's going to need changed.
1) How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.


2) How many Dragon Ball Z episodes does it take to change a light bulb?
Find out next time on Dragon Ball Z!


3) How many censors does it take to change a light bulb?
███; one to ████, and another to ███ with a large protruding object from his ███ ██ with ███ large strawberry muffin in his ███.

Saturday 15 September 2018

Interactive 404 pages

If you type in a dead link or a mistyped link, most websites will redirect you to their 404 page. Most 404 pages are fairly unremarkable, but some websites have put a lot of effort into their 404 pages.

Here's a selection of 404 pages with an interactive element to them...

1) Pac-Man


This 404 page from Blue Fountain Media will appeal to Pac-Man fans. It's a playable Pacman maze in the shape of a 404!
https://www.bluefountainmedia.com/charlesfudgemuffin

"Waka waka waka waka..."

Saturday 8 September 2018

Stupid questions (part 3)

Hooray! Payroll! How interesting!
This week is National Payroll Week, so to celebrate, here are ten interesting facts about payroll...

Only joking!

There aren't ten interesting facts about payroll. There's not even one interesting fact about payroll. Payroll's really boring.

So instead, this week the Charles Fudgemuffin ignores National Payroll Week, and instead focuses on something more interesting...

Stupid questions!

Stupid questions have been featured before on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog, and it seems that librarians often get asked more than their fair share of stupid questions. With that in mind, this week's collection of stupid questions are all questions that were asked in the library...

1) Based on real life?


This lion is certainly real,
but what about the lion from the Wizard Of Oz?
"Is the Wizard Of Oz fiction or non-fiction?"

Hmm, now let me think...

You mean that movie where Dorothy meets a living walking talking scarecrow who doesn't have a brain, a living walking talking tin man who doesn't have a heart, and a talking lion who stands on two feet and who doesn't have courage?  The movie where they then get captured by flying winged monkeys?

Hmm, is the Wizard Of Oz non-fiction?  Hmm, that's a tricky question...

Saturday 1 September 2018

Random thoughts (part 6)

Once again it's time for a round-up of random thoughts about a variety of random subjects...

1) Sweep cheat

"Nobody can sweep as good as that!
There must be another explanation..."

At the Winter Olympics, a Russian curling competitor failed a drug test.

Maybe I'm being a bit gormless here, but why would you take performance enhancing drugs ... for curling? How can drugs make you better at sweeping? I don't get it.

Perhaps the makers of Meldonium should include the following warning:

Caution: Side effects may include headaches, dizziness, and making you better at sweeping.

Saturday 25 August 2018

New words, and when they were first used

The word 'gravity' was first used in 1504.
It's also the name of one of my short stories!
When I use words each day I generally assume that most words have been around forever. However, of course every word had to at one time be used for the very first time.

Here are the earliest known usages of a variety of words, according to racist dictionary Merriam-Webster*.

* See below.

1504: Gravity


In 1687 Isaac Newton published his theory of gravity. However, according to Merriam-Webster, the word 'gravity' had been in written use since as early as 1504. Hmm, something doesn't add up. How can you talk about something before it was even discovered!?



1627: Messy


Apparently, the word 'messy' was first used in 1627, so presumably up until 1626 people must have been really tidy.

Saturday 18 August 2018

True Or False: A dinosaur quiz featuring weird facts and bluffs

My latest short story 'The Ferociosuarus' is released this weekend. It features an exotic off-world creature, which as you can see by the cover looks suspiciously like a dinosaur. So sticking with the theme of dinosaurs, this week's blog post features a true or false quiz featuring dinosaur related facts and bluffs.

Have a read of the following dinosaur 'facts' and see if you can work out which ones are true, and which ones are bluffs...

1) Breaking the speed limit!


Velociodocus could run as fast as 72 mph! That's faster than the speed limit in the UK, and it's also faster than the cheetah, which at 50-70 mph is the fastest living animal known today.

True or false?

Saturday 11 August 2018

Quirks of the English language

There are over 400 million people in the world who speak English as their first language, and it's the official language in 67 countries! So this week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog takes a look at some of the quirks of the English language.

Hair(s).
1) We say "hair" when referring to lots of it, but we say "hairs" when referring to a few.


2) The word 'queue' is the letter 'q' followed by four silent letters.


3) A colleague asked me, "Is it pronounced 'ee-ther' or 'eye-ther'?
I told them it was either.

Saturday 4 August 2018

10 nerd jokes (part (5x4)-(6+9))

It's been over a year since I last featured any nerd jokes on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog, so that means we're long overdue for another round-up of nerd-inspired paronomasia...

Assault with a salt.
1) If I had 50 pence for every time I got a maths question wrong...
...I'd have £3.76!


2) Breaking news: A teacher has been charged with throwing sodium chloride at a student.

That's a salt.


3) Why is Stephen such a neutral name?
Because its ph is in the middle.

Saturday 28 July 2018

Random superhero related thoughts

This week saw the release of the new Teen Titans movie from DC Comics, 'Teen Titans Go! To The Movies', so with that in mind, this week's blog post has a superhero theme to it.

"Hmm, what shall I call myself?
Mr Brilliant? Mr Excellent? No, I've got it!
Mr Fantastic!"

1) Mr Arrogant


The Fantastic Four chose their own names, and yet Reed Richards chose to call himself Mr Fantastic. What a bighead!



2) Useless powers


In real life Superman's 'super' hearing would be useless. Because of the speed of sound, any scream he heard from miles away would reach him after the victim was already dead.



3) Who needs eyelids?


Technically, superheroes with x-ray vision could walk around with their eyes shut all the time.

Saturday 21 July 2018

World Cup memes

Last weekend saw France beat Croatia to become the 2018 World Cup winners. Sticking with the World Cup theme, here's a round-up of some of the memes that did the rounds on social media during the World Cup...

1) Close enough...


"Three lions on the shirt."


Saturday 14 July 2018

More nice reviews

It's been a few months since I released my short story, 'We Come In Peace', and I'm happy to say I've had a couple of nice reviews. My recent short stories have also been getting a lot more downloads than I usually get, so all in all I'm really pleased.

Here are the reviews of 'We Come In Peace', together with a few reviews of some of my earlier short stories:

1) We Come In Peace


Here's the first review...


"Great short story, funny and clever."


Saturday 7 July 2018

10 funny quiz show answers (part 6)

It's time for another round-up of amusing quiz show answers, starting with a contestant whose specialist subject most definitely isn't astronomy...

Advice for quiz contestants: Robots don't count as life.
1) "What is the only planet in the universe known to support life?"
"Mars."


2) "Name a weapon in the game of Cluedo."
"Dice."

Hmm, maybe if you're playing against a really bad tempered player...


3) "What fruit has varieties called Mandarin and Seville?"
"Spinach."

Saturday 30 June 2018

Faces in things (part 2)

As I've mentioned before on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog, pareidolia is the phenomenon of seeing faces (or other items) in everyday objects and patterns.

Here are a few more examples of pareidolia...

1) Laughing slippers


I don't know what amused these slippers so much, but it was obviously hilarious.


Saturday 23 June 2018

Funny things kids say (part 5)

It's been almost a year since my last batch of funny comments by kids, so here are a few more funny things said by kids. Once again, the names have been changed to protect the (not so) innocent.

Beautiful lake, or fiery volcano.
You decide.

1) A smart kid


Some kids can be wise beyond their years...

"My daughter has a valid point... Why do we say, “Go jump in a lake”? Jumping in a lake can be quite nice. We should say, “Go jump in an active volcano.”

Wise, and also quite sadistic.



2) Young love


Here's one kid who already has her future love life planned out...

Mother: "Pearl, what would you do if two boys were fighting over you?"
Pearl: "I would run away and say, “You’re both idiots!”

Saturday 16 June 2018

Confusing perspective

This week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog features a selection of photos which may, at first glance, not be quite what they seem...

1) Flying ships


Is this what we have to look forward to in the future? Ships that can fly?


As you've probably worked out, the ships are actually on a lake, but at first glance my brain thought they were flying in the sky.

Saturday 9 June 2018

Never work with children or animals ... or violent psychopathic criminals!

My latest short story, 'Never Work With Children Or Animals ... Or Violent Psychopathic Criminals', is released this weekend, so sticking with that theme, this week's blog post features a collection of memes featuring children, animals, and criminals ... and in some cases a combination of the three.

1) Three held in 30 man brawl


This first photo highlights that appearances can be deceiving...

I'm hoping this is simply a case of a badly placed headline/photo combination.

Saturday 2 June 2018

Funny job adverts

This week the Charles Fudemuffin blog takes a look at a selection of noteworthy and unusual job adverts...

1) This is kind of ironic...


Unpaid internship for the Fight Against Slavery. #DoubleStandards


"We are looking for someone to work for free in the fight against slavery.

This person would have to work for free."

Saturday 26 May 2018

Random thoughts (part 5)

Here's another batch of random thoughts on random unconnected subjects...

Mmm!!!
1) Mirror, mirror

Technically, every mirror you buy at a store is in used condition.



2) Udderly ridiculous

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'Hmm, I think I'll squeeze those dangly things and then drink what comes out.'?



3) Warning sign

People who say, "If you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best," generally don't have a 'best'.

Saturday 19 May 2018

24 John Motson quotes

Footballing commentator legend John Motson, or 'Motty' as he's also known, retired last weekend after 50 years of commentating on football.

So in honour of Motty, here are a some of his more memorable quotes from over the years...

A football stadium in the truest sense of the word.
Whatever other sense of the word there might be, I'm not sure.
1) “In a sense it's a one-man show... except that there are two men involved, Hartson and Berkovic, and a third man, the goalkeeper.”


2) “You couldn't have counted the number of moves Alan Ball made. I counted four and possibly five.”


3) “It's a football stadium in the truest sense of the word.”


4) “So different from the scenes in 1872, at the cup final none of us can remember.”

Saturday 12 May 2018

Hidden Android Easter eggs.

The Android. A short story.
My latest short story, 'The Android' is released this weekend, so sticking with the theme of androids, here's a guide on how to unlock a cool hidden Easter egg found within the Android operating system.

The process is the same for every version of Android...

1) Go into settings.

2) Tap 'About tablet' or 'About phone'.

3) Tap 'Android version' or 'Firmware version' several times very quickly.


'Settings' / 'About tablet' / 'Android version'

Saturday 5 May 2018

Top tips

Here are a few silly light-hearted top tips covering such random subjects as ghosts, parenthood, and hospital car parks.

Three apples.
1) Discover what you'll look like ten years older by having kids then looking in the mirror six months later.


2) Pretend you're a professional tennis player by asking your greengrocer for 3 apples and then rolling one back to him.


3) Husbands. When your wife asks you, "Do you prefer this outfit or this outfit?" simply choose any outfit at random because she won't pay any attention to your opinion anyway.

Saturday 28 April 2018

Random Star Wars thoughts

This coming Friday is Star Wars Day (May 4th), so in honour of Star Wars Day here are a few random Star Wars thoughts:

Ffffkrrrrshhzzzwooooom ... woom ... woooom.
1) In the light saber battle at the end of The Empire Strikes Back, Darth Vader cuts off Luke's right hand.

However, it wasn't all bad news for Luke, because he would still be able to type Star Wars on a keyboard! That's because all of the letters in 'Star Wars' are on the left hand side of the keyboard!


2) Why don’t jedis use the force to press the button and turn off their opponent’s lightsabers?


3) Luke Skywalker would have looked like a right idiot if he had missed his shot on the Death Star after he turned off his targeting computer.

Saturday 21 April 2018

True or false: Weird national days

There are some weird and wacky national holidays to celebrate seemingly almost everything imaginable, so in recognition of these weird and wonderful national days, this week I spotlight some of the most weird of the lot. However, to test your detective skills, I've also thrown a few fake days into the mix.

So how astute are you? Which of the following are real national days, and which are just silly fictitious days which I've just made up?

"Why thank you! Very kind of you to notice."

1) Jan 24th - National Compliments Day


This is a cool day - a day dedicated to paying compliments to your friends and colleagues. So in honour of National Compliments Day, I'd like to say "Well Done! Great job!" to whoever invented this day.

National Compliments Day - True or false?

Saturday 14 April 2018

Things that come in twos

The Boy With Two Heads
... a short story about a boy with two heads.
Many things come in twos. For examples, gloves, socks, tennis players, and salt and pepper shakers.

Another thing that comes in twos, is the number of heads on the boy with two heads! The boy with two heads is the star of my latest short story called, surprisingly enough, 'The Boy With Two Heads'.

So on the theme of twos, here's a random selection of other things which come in twos...

1) Gloves


Unless you're Michael Jackson!

If your girlfriend has a pair of these, she's a keeper.

Saturday 7 April 2018

Cats and dogs (part 1)

April 11th is National Pet Day, so in honor of our our pets, here are a few observation about cats and dogs.

"Meow!" "Woof!"
1) If you died at home, your dog would be found sitting next to your corpse looking sad. Your cat would be found sitting staring at its empty food bowl.


2) When the doorbell rings, why do dogs always assume it's for them?


3) Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto stands on four legs? They're both dogs.


Saturday 31 March 2018

Life is like a box of chocolates

Surely nobody throws away ice cream!
That would be extremely foolish!
A recent study found that the UK throws away an incredible £13 billion worth of food every year! There are just over 63 million people living in the UK, so that works out at £205.75 wasted per person. Just think of what you could buy with £200! You could buy every book and short story ever published by Charles Fudgemuffin, and still have over £150 left over!

Anyway, it got me thinking how important it is not to waste food, and I remembered this lesson when I recently received a box of chocolates as a thank you gift for a small favour I did for a friend. Although I appreciated the gesture, unfortunately I suffer from a chocolate allergy, so I was unable to enjoy the chocolates. I didn't want to appear ungrateful though, so I accepted the gift, and rather than throw the chocolates away, I decided instead to take them into work and leave them in the canteen with a message for people to help themselves.

Saturday 24 March 2018

Bizarre questions

I've featured stupid questions before on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog, but as a slight twist this latest batch of questions features weird and bizarre questions which were all asked by curious people on answers.com.

First of all, here's a question which I'm sure everyone has wondered at one time or another...

1) How do you make a bike using fur from a chipmunk?


"You don't!"

I think the reply sums it up. 'You don't'!

Saturday 17 March 2018

Funny job application answers (part 3)

Meteorology ... the perfect training for a job as a stock broker.
I've featured funny job application answers previously on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog, and here's another batch of silly job application responses, interview answers and CV entries from job applicants...

1) Why do you want the job?
If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here.


2) Tell of a time you made a mistake and how you dealt with it:
I stole some equipment from my old job, and I had to pay for its replacement.


3) I refer to the recent death of the technical manager. Each time I apply for the job I get a reply saying there's no vacancy but in this case, I have caught you red-handed and I even attended his funeral to be sure he was truly dead and buried. Attached to my letter is a copy of my CV and his death certificate.

Saturday 10 March 2018

Random thoughts on aliens

My latest alien themed short story 'We Come In Peace' is released this weekend for kindle, so to celebrate this week's blog post is a selection of random alien themed thoughts...

The first man on the moon was an alien backwards.
1) Maybe there's an advanced alien civilisation millions of light years away watching the Earth with their telescopes, and they really want to visit us, but they're scared of all the dinosaurs.


2) Neil A was the first human on the moon. Neil A backwards is Alien.


3) If aliens looked at earth, they would see the majority of humans losing consciousness as the earth rotates away from the sun. They would probably assume we are powered by photosynthesis.

Saturday 3 March 2018

Puzzles and riddles

I recently published the short story 'The Puppet Master' about a crazy criminal who sets his victims riddles. I featured one such riddle in an earlier blog post, but if you're not all puzzled out just yet, then here are a few more puzzles for you...

1) How many holes are in this t-shirt?


Saturday 24 February 2018

Unusual methods of counting

This week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog takes a look at various unusual methods of counting from around the world...

1) The remote South American tribes method of counting


Doctor: "Take some tablets some times a day."
Patient: "For how long?"
Doctor: "For some weeks."
Numbers are important when it comes to medicine.
I mention in one of my books that some remote South American tribes only have number words for one and two! If you go any higher than that then you just say 'some'.

So for example, if you had five beans and wanted to count them you would say, "One, two, some, some, some."

The good thing about this very laidback method of counting is that whether you're a billionaire, or you only have five pounds, you both have the same amount of money ... some!

Saturday 17 February 2018

Funny signs

From time to time I feature funny signs on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog, so here's another selection, starting with a sign which carries an important message...

1) "It's never too late to learn to read."



I can't help wondering, who is this sign intended for?