Sunday, 17 August 2014

Amusing Football Quotes (Part 5)

Funny comments from players, managers and commentators.


Football, the inspiration for numerous silly quotes.
A new season of the Premiership starts this weekend, and at the start of each new football season I traditionally feature a round-up of funny football quotes, so here's another batch of amusing quotes from footballers, managers and commentators that made me chuckle...

1) "Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer."
...Commentator David Acfield.  Yes, slow motion tends to do that, David.

2) "I'm going to make a prediction...  It could go either way."
...Ron Atkinson sticks his neck out.

3) "Don't tell those coming in the final result of that fantastic match, but let's just have another look at Italy's winning goal."
...David Coleman cleverly avoids spoiling the match for viewers who haven't yet seen the result.

Sunday, 10 August 2014

10 Cool Swedish Words And Expressions (Part 3)

Green carrots, dancing trains and breast warts...


All praise to the greatness.
Two posts on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog which get a lot of hits are my 10 Cool Swedish Words And Expressions and its follow-up post 10 More Cool Swedish Words And Expressions.  They say you should listen to your audience, so with that in mind here are ten more of my favourite Swedish words and expressions...

1) Breast warts

If someone refers to their bröstvårta, or breast warts, don't worry, they haven't been struck down with some Biblical contagious disease.  In Swedish, breast warts are nipples.  Perhaps not quite as appealing when they're described as breast warts, although admittedly still quite appealing.


2) Beards and cookies

An interesting Swedish expression is the phrase, 'Skägget i brevlådan,' which means to be caught with your beard in the letterbox, and is the equivalent of the American saying, to be 'caught with your hands in the cookie jar'.  If you took the two sayings at face value then you might perhaps conclude that Americans are more likely to be greedy whereas Swedish people are more likely to be snoops.  However, my experience of American and Swedish people wouldn't back that up at all, and I haven't met a great number of Swedish people with beards either, so I'm not quite sure where the inspiration behind this saying came from.

Sunday, 3 August 2014

Silly Job Titles

Do you call a spade a spade, or a 'soil relocation device'?


A 'soil relocation device', more commonly known as a spade.
As I was leaving the house the other morning a van drove by with the words 'Fluid Transferral Systems' emblazoned across its side.  At first I was baffled as to what this actually meant, until at the bottom of the display in small letters I noticed the simple explanation...

'Hoses'

In this day and age there seems to be an ever increasing popularity to invent stupid complicated ways of describing things, especially when it comes to job titles.

So on that theme I thought I would compose a quiz based on some of the long-winded job titles which companies and organisations have used to describe jobs which are traditionally known by a more simple description.

All of the following are real job titles that some daft PR people have come up with.  With some of them, by deciphering the jargon you can probably work out what the actual real normal job title is, but in some cases, especially with the last example, even when you see the answer you'll think, "Eh?  Which fool came up with that daft job name?"

See how many you can work out, and to start you off, the first job is based on the already mentioned van slogan.  You'll find the answers at the bottom of the quiz...

Sunday, 27 July 2014

How To Write A Helpful Book Review

The Key Point That All Good Reviewers Are Aware Of


"...slow acoustic piano rubbish. 5/5"  A helpful review.
In the music press, when someone writes a negative review which proves unpopular with fans of the band, the reviewer will often defend their review by claiming that a review is just one person's opinion.

On the face of it, this seems fair enough, but what all reviewers need to realise is that no-one actually cares whether the reviewer enjoyed the book, movie or album, etc.  When I read a review all I care about is 'will I enjoy this book?'

To give an example, I remember a few years ago a favourite artist of mine released a new single which I hadn't yet heard, and I therefore asked my mate for his opinion on the song.  His reply was something along the lines of, "It's that slow acoustic piano rubbish...  You'll love it!"

It probably sounds as if he was being quite cheeky, but that wasn't his intention at all.  He simply understood the concept of a good review.  I wasn't interested in whether or not my mate enjoyed the song.  I just wanted to know whether I'd enjoy it.  And so my mate reviewed the song with that in mind and explained that it was that 'slow acoustic piano rubbish' which I happen to love.

Sunday, 20 July 2014

Bang Out Of Order!

The other day I discovered some graffiti on my car...


Bang out of order!
iPhone 4 version (640x960)
It's been a few months since I last designed an iPhone wallpaper, and as my last one was uncharacteristically serious and sensible, this time I decided to return to my usual daft self and feature a more typically stupid wallpaper.

It's based on a daft joke which is a play on words, and as usual it's available in two sizes; 640x1136 for the iPhone5 and 640x960 for the iPhone4.

Just to clarify the joke, the punchline has a double meaning because of course spray painting someone's car is extremely out of order, but also the letters 'abng' are 'bang' out of order.

And as a further clarification, of course in reality no-one had spray painted any letters on the car (it's not even my car!) and it's just a photoshopped photo.  I might be weird, but I'm not so weird that if someone painted graffiti on my car my reaction would be, "Great, I'll take a photo and make a wallpaper out of it!"

As I say it's not even my car (it's way out of my price range) and it's actually my cousin's former car, so thanks to my cousin for providing the prop.

Sunday, 13 July 2014

Five Stupid Sayings

English expressions which may seem a little strange to foreign speakers...


Sshhh!!  Don't wake the baby.
Previously on this blog I've highlighted some of the sayings and expressions in other languages (such as Swedish and Korean) which may seem a little weird to English speakers, but once you analyse them they make perfect sense.

This week I'm going to take a look at a few English sayings, but unlike the logical Swedish and Korean expressions, the following English expressions don't really make much sense at all...

1) "I slept like a baby."


Rather bizarrely, this expression is used to indicate that you had a relaxing night's sleep.  However, from most of the parents I've spoken to, 'sleeping like a baby' would more accurately suggest that you woke up every couple of hours crying your eyes out for no apparent reason.

Sunday, 6 July 2014

10 More Funny Quiz Show Answers (Part 2)

More silly quiz answers from contestants who spoke before switching on their brain...


It's been a few months since I featured a selection of funny quiz show answers on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog (including one from a contestant who reckoned the 'Six Day War' lasted for fourteen days), so here's another batch of silly quiz show answers from contestants who failed to engage their brain in gear before opening their mouths.

A car with two wheels...
(more commonly known as a motorbike).
Once again, all of the following are genuine answers from contestants who appeared on TV and radio shows over the years, and this next batch of geniuses includes experts at spelling, biology and basic arithmetic, as well as someone you definitely wouldn't want to share a lift with...

1) Presenter:  Name an occupation beginning with T.
Contestant:  Doctor.
Presenter:  No, it's T.  T for Tommy.  T for tango.
Contestant:  Oh.  (Pause).  Doctor?

2) Name something your car can have two of.
Answer:  Wheels

About The Author

The 'How To Save The World' books
by Charles Fudgemuffin
Charles Fudgemuffin is the author of the alien comedy 'How To Save The World' books which are available for Kindle from Amazon.  The first book in the series is available from the following link:
How To Save The World: An Alien Comedy

As with all Kindle books, you can also download a free sample of the first few chapters.

Please note, the 'How To Save The World' books contain material suitable for ages 18+ and are not recommended for prudes or squares.