Saturday, 30 December 2017

A simple test to determine your ideal career.

At the start of every new year, it's traditional to make new year's resolutions, such as getting fit, or finding a new job.

So for the benefit of anyone who is sick of their current job, and who is considering a change of profession, here's a simple test to determine your ideal career.

Follow the instructions below to find out the job that you'd be perfect for:

What is your ideal career?
Find out with this simple test.
* Pick a number between 1 and 9.
* Multiply by 3.
* Add 3 to that number.
* Multiply by 3 again.
* Add the two digits together.

The number you are left with corresponds with your ideal job...

1) Scientist.
2) Super model.
3) Astronaut.
4) Footballer.
5) Doctor.
6) Formula 1 driver.
7) Pilot.
8) Pop star.
9) Village idiot.
10) Writer.

What ideal job did you get?

Saturday, 23 December 2017

A Christmas message for any politically correct readers!

At this festive time of the year, I traditionally like to post a special holiday message to all my blog readers. Click the image below to read the Christmas message in hi-res!

For any politically correct readers of the Charles Fudgemuffin blog...

Saturday, 16 December 2017

10 Christmas Jokes (Part 3)

As it's only a week or so until Christmas, here's another round-up of Christmas themed jokes...

Santa wearing a Christmas jumper.
1) When does New Year's Day come before Christmas Day?
Every year!

2) What do you get if you cross Santa Claus and a frog?
A Christmas jumper.

3) What did Adam say to Eve on Christmas Day?
Adam: "It's Christmas, Eve!"
Eve: "No, that was yesterday."

4) What did Adam say to Eve on Christmas Eve?
Adam: "It's Christmas Eve, Eve!"
Eve: "Technically speaking, Christmas Eve Eve would be the day before Christmas Eve, and that was yesterday...

5) Did you hear about the thief who stole an advent calendar?
He got 24 days.

Saturday, 9 December 2017

Random Christmas Thoughts

It's only a few days until Christmas, so here are a few random Christmas related thoughts...

Please note, the above list is intended purely
for illustrative purposes, and is not intended as a
true reflection of which children have been naughty.

1) The optimum time to be naughty

Santa keeps a list of everyone who has been naughty each year, so the best time to be naughty is from December 26th to December 31st.  It's too late for Santa to put you on the naughty list for the current year because you've already received your Christmas presents, and it's too early for him to put you on the naughty list for next year, because the new naughty list doesn't start until January 1st.

Saturday, 2 December 2017

Stupid Questions (Part 2)

Stupid questions have been featured on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog before, and they always make me smile, so here's another batch of daft and amusing questions. Once again the following questions have been compiled from various internet forums, facebook, twitter and real life...

Rain, pictured outside.

1) From facebook...

This is a stupid question that my friend was asked by his girlfriend...

Friend: "It's raining."
Girlfriend: "What, outside?"

If I had to stick my neck out and hazard a guess then I would say, "Yes, the rain is probably falling outside rather than inside."

Saturday, 25 November 2017

10 Unusual Town Names (Part 2)

It's time for another look at more weird and unusual town names.  Most of the following towns are from the United States, but a couple are from elsewhere around the world, and all of them are real actual town names...

The town of Earth, pictured from very very far away.
Also the planet Earth, pictured from an appropriate distance.

1) Earth

Earth is a perfectly sensible name for a planet in my opinion, but it's kind of a weird name for a town.  However, someone obviously disagrees with me because Earth is a real town in Texas.

Imagine having the following conversation...

Stranger: "Where are you from?"
Resident: "I'm from Earth."
Stranger: "Yes, I know that.  But where specifically?"
Resident: "Earth."

I wonder, are people from the town of Earth known as Earthlings?

2) Nameless

Nameless is the inaccurate name of a town in Tennessee.  Nameless by name, named by nature.

Saturday, 18 November 2017

Photoshopped Or Real?

This week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog takes a look at a few random photos ... but have they been photoshopped, or are they real?

You can find the answers at the bottom of the page.

1) Quarterly Colours

When I first saw this photo I instantly assumed it was four separate photos which had been photoshopped together.

But on closer inspection perhaps not every quarter has been photoshopped?

Photoshopped or real?

Saturday, 11 November 2017

How many times would you have to fold a sheet of paper in half for it to be thick enough to reach the moon?

Occasionally on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog I ask readers for help, for example with preference of book covers, or for other input when writing new stories. Once again I'm in need of help and this time I'm looking for a cross sample of how people would respond to a specific question. This is the scenario...

The Moon.
Reachable by origami, hypothetically.
In a forthcoming book which I'm writing, the main character asks a group of people the following question...

"How many times would you have to fold a piece of paper in half before it would be thick enough to reach the Moon?"

Now in reality you can't fold a regular piece of paper more than 7 or 8 times before it becomes impossible to fold it any more, but if it was a hypothetical situation where you could fold a piece of paper as many times as you wanted, how many times would you have to fold it before it was thick enough to reach to the Moon?

Just to clarify, I'm not trying to find out the actual answer. I know how to use Google so if I wanted to know the answer I wouldn't go to the bother of creating a poll! In fact a friend asked me this question many years ago, so I already know the answer. What I'm interested in is what other people would guess, and what sort of typical spread the main character would get with the answers.

Saturday, 4 November 2017

10 words and phrases which sound like other words in a different accent

Apologies to any native speakers if I haven't got all of the following accents quite right, but here are a few words or phrases which when pronounced in a certain accent sound like a new phrase altogether...

Bacon sandwiches could cause confusion in Jamaica.

1) Beer Can

If you say 'beer can' in an English accent, it sounds like 'bacon' in a Jamaican accent.

2) Jam Ear Can Beer Can

Taking it one step further, if you say 'jam ear can beer can' in an English accent, it sounds like 'Jamaican bacon' in a Jamaican accent.

Saturday, 28 October 2017

Funny Sports Quotes

Tennis is becoming more popular
in small countries such as 'Russia'.
Sport is a great way to keep fit, but if you're not feeling very energetic then sport can also be a great way to exercise your laughter muscles!

Here are a selection of funny quotes made by sporting personalities from a variety of sports...


1) "Federer is human, but for how long?"
...Wimbledon commentator

2) "There are a lot of players coming through from smaller countries like Serbia and Russia."
...Lleyton Hewitt

Saturday, 21 October 2017

The 'Are You Officially Old' Quiz? (Part 2)

It's time for another trip down memory lane as the Charles Fudgemuffin blog takes another look at more things from the past.

Two and a half pence.
But was there once a two and a half pence coin?
Some of the following recollections describe things from the olden days, while others are simply fictitious stories which I've just made-up.  If you're old then you'll instantly recognise which ones are genuine nostalgic recollections, but if you can't remember any of the following then congratulations ... you're officially still young!

Anyway, enough of the rambling.  Here are a few examples of things which may or may not be true things from the olden days...

1) 2 and a 1/2 pence coins

As ridiculous as it sounds, there used to be a coin worth 2 and a 1/2 pence!  And it wasn't a rare limited edition collector's edition coin.  The 2 1/2 pence coin was official common currency and was in regular everyday use.

To make things even more weird, the 2 1/2 pence coin was known as a 'sixpence'.

True or false?

Saturday, 14 October 2017

Weird Forums On The Web (Part 3)

Previously on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog I've highlighted weird forums dedicated to such surprising subjects as pencil sharpeners, cardboard boxes, and even kebabs.

This week it's time to look at a few more forums, starting with a forum which I'm sure many readers will be delighted to hear about...

1) Pallet-boards

The inspiration for many fascinating discussions.
Are you a fan of pallet-boards?  Have you longed for an online forum to discuss your pallet-board passion with other pallet-board enthusiasts?  Then I've got some good news!  You're in luck!  A pallet-board forum exists!

Current threads on the forum include such riveting subjects as 'The advantages of a free fumigation pallet making machine', 'The effective utilisation of wood chips', and one which I'm sure will be of interest to all pallet-board enthusiasts, 'The future developing trend of the molded wood pallet machinery market'.

Saturday, 7 October 2017

10 Interesting Japanese Words And Expressions

From time to time on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog I take a look at interesting words and expressions from languages around the world, and this week it's the turn of Japanese...

"Hmm, who can I try out my new sword on?"

1) Swordsplay

An extremely worrying Japanese word is the word 'uji-giri' which means 'to try out a new sword on a random passer-by'!

Thankfully, 'uji-guri' isn't in common usage nowadays and dates back to ancient times, but I can only feel grateful that I didn't live in the ancient days of the samurai when such words were necessary!

Saturday, 30 September 2017

Funny Things Kids Say (Part 4)

According to the saying, 'Kids say the funniest things,' so this week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog features another selection of funny quotes from kids.  First up, here's a tweet from a father with a really loving daughter...

Here's a photo for @WheelTod's daughter.

1) Love at first bite

Me to 2 year old daughter: "I love you."
Daughter: "I love looking at pictures of sharks."

Unfortunately, his daughter's love is for sharks, apparently, not for her parent!

Tweet by @WheelTod

Saturday, 23 September 2017

Faces In Things

Pareidolia sounds like it's a horrible tropical disease, but it's actually something far nicer. Pareidolia is simply the phenomenon of seeing faces (or other items) in everyday objects and patterns.

Here are a few examples of pareidolia...

1) Wooden dog

Here's a dog's face hiding in a piece of wood.

Saturday, 16 September 2017

"My Stomach Literally Fell Out Of My Body!"

Andre Agassi prepares for his next tennis match.
When people misuse the word 'literally' it drives me literally insane!  Well, actually it drives me figuratively insane.

Here's another round-up of amusing quotes featuring misuse of the word 'literally...

1) "Harry Redknapp is going to be literally, literally pulling his hair out."
...John Scales

2) "When Andre Agassi meets a qualifier, he tends to literally steamroller them."
...Ian Carter

3) “When my name wasn’t read out, my stomach literally fell out of my body.”
...A model on Britain’s Next Top Model uses an extreme method to lose weight.

Saturday, 9 September 2017

Stupid Questions

Stupid questions.
Stupid questions always seem to get a lot of page views whenever I feature them on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog, so here are a few more.

The following stupid questions have been compiled from various forums, facebook, and real life experience...

1) At the supermarket.

This is a question often asked at the supermarket which always leaves me puzzled whenever I buy a trolley full of items...

Check-out assistant: "Would you like a bag?"
Says: "Yes, please."

Thinks: "A bag? For these twenty cumbersome items? No, don't worry about a bag. Fortunately I'm an expert juggler so I'll just juggle these twenty items as I walk home."

Saturday, 2 September 2017

True Or False: Real Word Or Made-Up

Words are the theme of this week's blog post.
There are lots of weird and wonderful words in the English language, so this week the Charles Fudgemuffin tests your vocabulary. Are the following words true or made-up?

The only clue I'll give you is that in some cases the answer is not what you'd expect.  Or maybe it is what you'd expect and I've just said that to throw you off the scent.  Anyway, have a look at the following unusual words and see if you can guess* if they're real or made up...

* Please note, if you already know the answer, then you don't need to guess. You can instead use your knowledge.

Saturday, 26 August 2017

Funny Holiday Complaints (Part 2)

Legs or hot dogs?
Is this a holiday maker trying go get a great tan,
or is it two cleverly positioned hot dogs?
As the British summer comes to an end, here's another batch of totally justified and not at all trivial holiday complaints from 'unfortunate' holiday makers...

1) "We got on the wrong train to the airport and missed our flight."
...To be fair, you can't hold the travel company totally responsible for that.

2) "We were told we would get a great tan, but we stayed inside all day and didn't get one."

3) "I compared the size of our one bedroom suite to our friends' three bedroom suite and ours was significantly smaller."
...In other news, water is wet.

Saturday, 19 August 2017

Random Thoughts (Part 4)

Here are a few more random unconnected thoughts on random unconnected subjects...

Weighing 2 pounds 7 ounces.

1) Weight obsession

When people have a new baby, they always seem to mention how much it weighs.  But why?  What's the big obsession with baby weight?  We don't mention weight at other times.

For example, imagine getting married and updating your facebook status as follows...

John Smith married Rebecca Holloway.
Weighing 9 stone 7 pounds.

You just wouldn't do it, so why do people feel the need to mention how much babies weigh?

2) Time travel benefits

If time machines were ever invented, it's inevitable that some people would end up using them as a 'snooze' button.

Saturday, 12 August 2017

Free short stories.

Over the last ten weeks, each of my ten latest short stories has been free each weekend. Some of them made the top ten of the free Kindle Short Reads charts, so I was really pleased with the number of downloads I had.

For anyone who missed them (either intentionally or otherwise!), over the next ten days there'll be another chance to get each short story for free.

A timetable of when each short story is free, with links, can be found at the end of this blog post.

First though, I'm really pleased with the feedback so far, so big thanks to anyone who downloaded them, and massive thanks to anyone who left a review on Amazon. Here are the reviews:

Saturday, 5 August 2017

Alternative uses for five of the most deadly poisons in the world.

This week the usually light-hearted Charles Fudgemuffin blog gets serious as we take a look at five of the most powerful toxins in the world, starting with a toxin which will be familiar to most people...

1) Botulinum

Don't try this at home!
Botulinum is the most powerful toxin known to man, and when delivered intravenously a dose of a mere 1.3-2.1 ng/Kg is estimated to be enough to kill a human! Based on a typical adult weighing 70 Kg, that means a dose as low as 0.000000119 grams could potentially kill someone!

Alternative use:

Most people will probably have heard of the most famous form of botulinum, which is marketed commercially as Botox.

You may find it strange that the most powerful poison known to man would be available commercially, but don't worry ... Botox isn't marketed at people looking to poison someone! Botulinum also has medical uses such as treating muscle spasms and overactive muscles, as well as being used for cosmetic purposes to reduce facial wrinkles.

Surprisingly, botulinum can also be used to treat excessive sweating. I have to say, being treated with one of the most powerful toxins known to man would only make me sweat more!

Saturday, 29 July 2017

10 facts about walking.

Its only 247 days until National Walking Day (April 2nd, 2018), so to celebrate here are ten walking related facts!

These shoes were made for walking.
Or specifically, hiking.
But that's basically the same thing, more or less.
Editor's note: Hiking is a specific form of walking,
generally in natural surroundings.
1) The world is 24,900 miles in circumference and the average walking pace is 3 miles per hour. It would therefore take a person walking nonstop approximately 346 days to walk around the world.

2) However, to do so they would have to be able to walk on water because they would come across numerous oceans on their travels!

3) The longest walk around the world (not literally obviously, because he couldn't walk on water) was completed by Jean Beliveau who walked a massive 46,600 miles around 64 countries in 11 years.

Saturday, 22 July 2017

A 'true or false' quiz: Unusual items sent through the post.

A post.
Editor's note: "Charles, that's the wrong type of post!"
This week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog features a true or false quiz based on some of the unusual items sent through the postal services around the world. See if you can guess if the following items really were sent through the post, or whether I've just made them up as a sneaky bluff...

1) Children

In the early days of the US Parcel Post Service, at least two children were sent by post.

True or false?

2) A helium balloon

It may seem strange that someone would want to send a fragile item like a helium balloon through the post, but in 1928 Frank Miflin of California walked into his local post office and requested that a helium balloon (with a 20 gram weight attached) be sent by mail to his brother in Florida.

Saturday, 15 July 2017

Gravity, and how to lose weight.

The weight of an average adult varies around the world, from an average of 57.7Kg in Asia, to an average of 80.7 in North America.

However, the weight of an average adult varies far more dramatically once you leave Earth and travel around the solar system. For example, the average adult weighs far less on the Moon than they do on Earth. So if you want to lose weight in a hurry, the quickest way to do so is to live on the Moon!

Here's what an average adult would weight on various planets and other universal objects, based on an average weight of 70 Kg.

Pluto, the dwarf planet.

Pluto - 4.6 Kg

As I'm sure everyone is aware now, Pluto is no longer a planet and in 2006 was reclassified by the International Astronomical Union (IAU) as a dwarf planet. However, although the IAU had the power to take away Pluto's planetary status, they didn't have the power to take away it's gravity!

What little gravity it has, that is, because on the dwarf planet of Pluto, due to its low gravity an average adult would weigh a mere 4.6 Kg!

Equivalent object on Earth = That's a little heavier than a newborn baby.

Saturday, 8 July 2017

A puzzle involving truth and lies.

The Puppet Master
A short story by Charles Fudgemuffin
This weekend only you can download my latest short story 'The Puppet Master' for free for kindle from Amazon. Here's a short blurb...

"A mysterious masked figure wearing two puppets on his hands is shooting random strangers with poison darts. He then sets his victims a puzzle which they must solve in return for the antidote. Is this 'Puppet Master' crazy? Or is there a method to his madness..."

Without giving away too much of the plot, the Puppet Master is kind of like a crazy Batman villain. If his victims correctly solve the puzzle, they get to drink an antidote to the poison and survive. If they fail to solve the puzzle, well ... it's curtains!

If you want to test yourself, this is the puzzle that the Puppet Master sets his victims...

"After shooting you with a poison dart, the Puppet Master appears wearing a blue puppet on his right hand and a red puppet on his right hand. He then places three bottles containing coloured liquid on the ground in front of you. One of the liquids is blue, one is red, and the third liquid is purple. One of these bottles contains more poison, one of the bottles contains an antidote, and the third bottle simply contains coloured water. However, you don't know which bottle is which.

Saturday, 1 July 2017

Star Wars 'Guess The Movie Name' Quiz

It's only 166 days until the next Star Wars movie is released, so to celebrate, this week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog features a Star Wars movie quiz!

See if you can work out the name of the Star Wars movie from each of the following cryptic visual clues...

1) Clue: How many?

Four twitter accounts, all belonging to ladies with the same name.

Saturday, 24 June 2017

Micromorts: The Risk Of Dying (Part 2)

The risk of death can be measured statistically.
I've mentioned before on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog that there's actually a unit to measure the risk of dying known as the 'micromort'.

Just to recap, a micromort is a million to one chance of dying, so an activity with a 5 micromort rating would carry a five in a million chance of death.

This week I look at the micromort rating for a few more activities, starting with a comparison of how the safety of various forms of travel compare...

1) Transport

I love travelling around the world, so it's just as well that I'm not afraid of flying.  However, anyone who is afraid of flying should check out the figures below* which compare the risk of travelling 1,000 kilometres by various forms of transport...

Saturday, 17 June 2017

Surprising Financial Statistics

This week's blog post has a financial theme to it, but rather than just list random financial facts and statistics, I've instead made it into a two part quiz...

Money, pictured yesterday.

1) Interested in interest

If you put 10 pence in a bank account and got 5% interest every year on the balance in your account, how much would you have after 500 years?

A) £2.55
B) £5.10
C) £84.62
D) £3,932,326,182.72

. . . . . . . .

Saturday, 10 June 2017

10 books that were surprisingly banned.

With recent worrying developments on the internet, such as facebook and twitter deciding what we can and can't read, it's important to remind ourselves of the importance of free speech. I understand the need for age certification, but sadly in many cases the people deciding what we can and can't read are either dangerously deluded, or pushing their own dubious agenda.

Over the years there have been some seemingly innocent books which have surprisingly been banned.  Here are some of the most notable...

This bank note has no value, apparently.

1) The Wonderful Wizard Of Oz by L. Frank Baum

This was banned from libraries in Detroit for allegedly 'supporting negativism' and for 'having no value for children'.

Seriously, there are some crazy people in the world if they think the Wizard of Oz needs to be banned. Not every book has to be about inspiring readers to change the world. Surely some books can just be about having fun!

Sunday, 4 June 2017

How To Poison Your Husband And Get Away With It

'How To Poison Your Husband And Get Away With It'
To clarify, it's a short story collection, not a 'How To' guide!
Today sees the release of a new book from Charles Fudgemuffin entitled 'How To Poison Your Husband And Get Away With It'.

For the avoidance of any doubt, 'How To Poison Your Husband And Get Away With It' is a collection of short stories. It is not a 'How To' guide. Apologies to anyone with sinister intentions who arrived at this page after a nefarious internet search.

'How To Poison Your Husband And Get Away With It, and Other Short Stories' is priced at £1.99/$2.99, but the ten short stories from the collection are also available individually. As a promotional offer, one short story will be free each weekend for the next ten weeks! That means if you were to download each free short story each weekend for the next ten weeks, you could get the entire book for free!

The first short story is available for free this weekend, and is entitled 'Is A KitKat A Chocolate Bar Or A Biscuit?'  As you've probably already guessed from the title, 'Is A KitKat A Chocolate Bar Or A Biscuit?' is a story about a local gangster, his closest life-long friend, and a local punk.

Saturday, 27 May 2017

10 Funny Quiz Show Answers (Part 5)

"Howard be thy name."
It's been a while since I last featured silly quiz show answers on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog, so here are another batch of foolishly amusing quiz show answers from contestants who forgot to put their brains in gear before they spoke...

1) "What was Gandhi’s first name?"
Answer: "Goosey."

2) "Name something made of wool."
Answer: "A sheep."

3) "In the Lord’s Prayer, what word beginning with 'H' meaning 'blessed' comes before 'be thy name'?"
Answer: "Howard."

Saturday, 20 May 2017

Funny Football Quotes (Part 9)

Football. It's a funny old game.
Another Premier League season comes to an end tomorrow, so as has become traditional on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog, here's another batch of amusing football quotes from players, managers, pundits and commentators...

1) “Marseille needed to score first, and that never looked likely once Liverpool had taken the lead.”
…David Pleat

2) “I didn't see the ball. I just saw it going to my right.”
…Robert Green

3) “Maths is totally done differently to what I was teached when I was at school.”
…David Beckham.  I think English is ‘teached’ differently as well by the sounds of it, David.

Saturday, 13 May 2017

Funny Job Application Answers (Part 2)

A few mistakes to avoid when applying for a job...

The Spinach language.
One of my previous blog posts on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog which got a lot of page views was my round-up of 'Funny Job Application Answers'.  There have been many more silly answers by job applicants, so here's another batch of amusing answers taken from CVs, job application forms and job interviews...

1) Strengths: One of my greatest strengths is being able to identify many foreign accents. I am also bilingual, speaking three languages: English, French and Spinach.

2) Why do you want to work for this company?
Because I applied at 100 other companies and none of them have called me yet.

Saturday, 6 May 2017

10 Silly Trick Questions

A farm.
My boss at my last job was a big fan of trick questions, and during my time working there he would often ask us quite a few puzzlers.  Here are a few of those trick questions to get the brain juices flowing...

1) Bob's father has five sons named Ten, Twenty, Thirty, Forty and...  What was the fifth son called?

2) A farmer owns a square farm measuring five miles long by five miles wide.  He walks a lap of his land to check the fence, and it takes him eighty minutes to walk the first side, eighty minutes to walk the second side, and eighty minutes to walk the third side.  However, it takes him one hour and twenty minutes to walk the fourth side.  Why?

Saturday, 29 April 2017

Star Wars Jokes (Part 3)

Secret sith, expensive light sabres and yodelling jedi masters.

Darth Vader: "Luke, I am your father."
Icelandic Luke: "Well the surname was kind of a giveaway."
It's the official Star Wars Day next week (May 4th), so in honour of George Lucas Disney, here are another selection of Star Wars jokes...

1) Why is Han Solo the only one who can understand Chewbacca?
Because that's the way the wookie mumbles.

2) After the first read through of Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens, Mark Hamill pulled JJ Abrams to one side and said, "Can I have a word?"

3) Under the Icelandic naming system, Luke Skywalker would have been called Luke Vaderson, which would have kind of spoilt the big plot twist for Icelandic viewers.

Saturday, 22 April 2017

Today Is Honesty Day

Foreword:  If you're a liar, then please don't read the following information.

"Come on in!  The water's perfectly safe!"
According to a poll conducted by the London Science Museum, the most common lie told by men is...

'I didn't drink that much'

...and the most common lie told by women is...

'I'm fine. Nothing's wrong.'

Today is officially Honesty Day* so hopefully today there won't be any lies told.  However, here's an account of a falsity themed incident which happened when I travelling on a tour in Africa several years ago.

* Or is it?**

** Update: Actually, it's next week.  Never trust anything you read on the internet!  Apart from on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog of course, where I always own up to my bluffery.

The tour had taken us to the Ssese Islands*** in Uganda, and on one swelteringly hot day, several of us wanted to go for a swim to cool off.  However, the water by the shore was filled with reeds, and the tour guide had warned us that the presence of reeds could potentially mean a possible risk of catching bilharzia.

*** That's not a spelling mistake.  That is actually how you spell it.

For anyone who isn't an expert on horrible tropical diseases, bilharzia is a chronic disease caused by parasitic worms released from infected snails.  I'm no expert, but my non-expert advice would be 'try not to catch it'.

Saturday, 15 April 2017

The Truth Is Stranger Than Fiction

There's a famous saying, "The truth is stranger than fiction," and my own experience would agree with this.  On a number of occasions I've encountered strange conversations and events in real life which would seem ridiculous if an author had included them in a fictional story.

Here are a few of those conversations and to make things a bit more challenging, I've made it into a quiz.  See if you can guess what actually happened in each of the following situations...

"Please note, customers will be charged extra if we get your order wrong."

1) Curry Confusion

While on holiday one year, I went to a restaurant and ordered a chicken curry.  However, unfortunately they messed my order up and mistakenly brought me a prawn curry.

Can you guess what the waitress said when I mentioned this error?

a) "I do apologise. I'll get your correct order brought out straight away."
b) "I do apologise. As a token of apology we'll knock twenty percent off the bill."
c) "Oh, well the prawn curry is more expensive, so do you mind paying a bit extra?"

Saturday, 8 April 2017

April Fools' Day Pranks (2017 Edition)

It's that time of year where I round up a selection of some of the April Fools' Day jokes that were found on the internet to celebrate April Fool's Day last week.

1) Russian hacking services

The award for the most unexpected April Fool's Day prank had to go to the Russian Foreign Ministry who posted their apparently updated answering machine message on their facebook page. The message advises callers:

"You have reached the Russian embassy. Your call is very important to us. To arrange a call from a Russian diplomat to your political opponents, press 1. To use the services of Russian hackers, press 2. To request election interference press 3 and wait until the next election campaign."

For legal purposes, they add:

"Please note that all calls are recorded for quality improvement and training purposes."

You can listen to the prank answering machine message below:

Saturday, 1 April 2017

Silly Job Titles (Part 3)

"Would you like me to facilitate ketchup
on your mobile sustenance?"
I've mentioned before on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog that modern society seems to have an increasing obsession for replacing straight forward traditional job titles with fancy long-winded descriptions.

I was reminded of this the other morning when I noticed a van parked outside our neighbours' house with the slogan...

'Height Safety Solutions'

Or in other words...


On the face of it, 'height safety solutions' would seem a logical, if unnecessarily wordy, way to describe scaffolding.  However, surely the safest way to achieve height safety is to stay on the ground!

Anyway, once again it's time for another quiz based on confusing job titles, so see if you can guess what jobs the following list of jargon actually refers to.  To start you off, the first job title may be familiar*...

Saturday, 25 March 2017

'Many Volcanoes Erupt. Moldy Jam Sandwiches, Unusually Niffy. Phew!' And Other Mnemonics.

The planet dwarf planet Pluto.
Photo courtesy of
Last week I promised to explain what 'mnemonic' means, and any non-word nerds will most likely be disappointed to hear that I'm keeping that promise!

A mnemonic is actually a memory device or technique which helps you remember information.  For example...

'Many Volcanoes Erupt. Moldy Jam Sandwiches, Unusually Niffy, Phew!' a mnemonic I learnt at school to help remember the order of the planets. The first letter of each word corresponds to the first letter of each of the planets, namely...

'Mercury Venus Earth Mars Jupiter Saturn Uranus Neptune Pluto.'

Saturday, 18 March 2017

An Alternative Phonetic Alphabet

As a Geordie, when I speak to people on the phone they often confuse my 'A's with my 'E's, so when spelling words verbally I often have to use the phonetic alphabet.  The offical phonetic alphabet is very formal and efficient, but it's also quite boring, so just to confuse people, it's fun to use alternative words that sound like letters themselves, and say things like...

E for Eye  (E for I)
Y for You  (Y for U)
S for See  (S for C)
A for Aye  (A for I)
E for Ewe  (E for U)

It's also fun to confuse people altogether with silent letters and unusual pronunciations such as...

P for Pterodactyl
K for Knowledge
W for Wrinkle
P for Phonetic
G for Gnome

Here's an alternative phonetic alphabet (featuring misleadingly pronounced words) that me and a few work colleagues came up with during one of our breaks (and definitely not when we were supposed to be working).

Saturday, 11 March 2017

Bread Bun, Bap, Cob, Scone, Roll, Barm Or Muffin?

Controversial questions: The bread debate.

On the Charles Fudgemuffin blog we're not afraid to tackle controversial issues, and so this week I take a look at a question which has divided many people and produced a variety of opinions.

It's a straight forward but controversial question.  Take a look at the following photo and then answer a simple poll...  What is it?

Bun, bap, cob, scone, roll, barm or muffin?

Saturday, 4 March 2017

10 Unusual Town Names

This week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog takes a look at towns and villages with weird names.  The towns are from all around the world, and despite their unsual names, they're all real places...

Na na na na na na na na...

1) Batman

As well as being the alter ego of [spoiler alert] Bruce Wayne, Batman is also the name of a town in Turkey.

Amusingly, back in 2008 the mayor of Batman threatened to sue Warner Bros for not asking his permission to use the name Batman in the movie 'The Dark Knight'.  I'm no expert on copyright law, but here are two facts which may explain why the mayor of Batman never actually went through with his legal threat...

* Batman first appeared in Detective Comics 27 published in May 1939.
* The town of Batman was previously called Iluh.  It's name wasn't changed to Batman until the 1950s.

Saturday, 25 February 2017

Random Thoughts (Part 3)

Dentists, double glazing, and the secret to immortality.

Here are a few more random thoughts on a variety of random subjects...

"They're going for a walk without us again..."

1) How a dog sees the world...

When you go to work each morning, your dog probably thinks you're going for a walk on your own for eight hours.

2) Poor counting skills

A survey was recently carried out which asked people, "Who would you most like to run a three-legged race with?'  Top of the list of answers was Holly Willoughby, which is a perfectly understandable choice.  However, at number four on the list was, surprisingly, 'Ant and Dec.'

Ant and Dec?

In a three-legged race?

Maths must be different nowadays from when I was at school because back in my day that would have been a five-legged race.

Saturday, 18 February 2017

Coincidental Company Names

Original names for electronic companies are
harder to think of than you might expect.
When writing 'Crime Doesn't Pay' my recently released short story collection, for one of the stories I needed to think of a name for a fictitious electronic company.  I therefore got my thinking cap on and came up with...


However, after a quick Google search it turns out that by coincidence Integrax is already a real company!

I didn't want to get into any legal difficulties over copyright, so I went back to the drawing board and came up with...


Apparently, it turns out Tridox is already the name of a medicine.  It's also the name of  a self curing, non-epoxy plastic adhesive cement.  I have to admit I'm not sure what a self-curing non-epoxy plastic adhesive cement is exactly, but whatever it is, there's already one called Tridox.

Saturday, 11 February 2017

Sayings From Around The World (Valentine's Day Special)

A Valentine's Day themed blog post.
When I was first learning Swedish I bought a Swedish phrase book and one of the things which surprised me was the 'Romance section' of the phrase book.

Incredibly, the phrase book included four expressions for how to tell a Swedish woman, 'Sorry, I'm not interested,' and only one phrase to express interest.  I have to say, whoever wrote the guide book must clearly have never have met any Swedish women, as all the Swedish women I've ever met would most definitely not prompt me to say, 'Sorry, I'm not interested.'

Anyway, although I'm not fluent in other languages, I nevertheless still find foreign sayings and expressions interesting, so in honour of Valentine's Day, here are a few romantic phrases from around the world...

Saturday, 4 February 2017

'Guess The Sign' Quiz

Signposts are a part of everyday life.  They're also quite boring, so you may be wondering why I've decided to have a quiz on them!

Well, although the majority of signs are indeed boring, the signs featured in this week's quiz all appealed to my daft sense of humour.

The text from each of the following signposts has been deleted, so see if you can guess what each sign originally said...

1) African Sign

This first sign is an amusing sign from Africa.  I've erased the text, but bearing in mind the antelope silhouette, can you guess what the sign originally said?

Yes, that's right!  As you've probably guessed the sign says...

Saturday, 28 January 2017

Weird Google Searches (Part 4)

A few weeks ago in my 'Things that happen every second' article, I mentioned the weird Google search term...

'Dinosaurs were made up by the CIA to discourage time travel'

...which incredibly, gets 20 searches every month!

There are many more weird Google searches made every month, so here are a few more, starting with one search which makes me agree with Einstein that stupidity has no bounds...

1) "My PC is on fire"

...30 searches per month

Surprisingly, I didn't have a photo of a computer on fire,
so here are two separate photos of a computer and fire.
I can only say .... er, what!?  Presumably the people googling 'My PC is on fire' subsequently searched for...

'How do I treat burnt fingers?'

Being serious, if my laptop was on fire my first thought wouldn't be, 'Hmm, how I can put out the fire?  I know!  I'll google it!  Using my laptop that's on fire!'

If it was then presumably my next thought would be, 'Ow!  Ow!  Ouch!  That's hot!'

Saturday, 21 January 2017

Novelty Bets For 2017

As if the next president would
be someone off the telly!
Last year I featured a selection of novelty bets which were judged less likely than Leicester winning the Premier League.

Here are a few more noteworthy unusual bets...

1) Next US President

You can already bet on the winner of the 2020 US presidential election with some surprising names mentioned...

Leonardo DiCaprio - 80/1
Kanye West - 100/1
George Clooney - 100/1
Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson - 100/1
Vince McMahon - 200/1
Kim Kardashian - 275/1

Vince McMahon and Kim Kardashian!  Ha, ha!  I mean, as if the next president is going to be someone off the telly!

Saturday, 14 January 2017

Don't Try This At Home!

Apparently, viewers are too stupid to realise how dangerous the following stunts are...

Public Service Announcement:
Necklaces should be worn in the traditional manner, and
not ripped through the neck for entertainment purposes.
Last week I featured a photo of me dancing on top of a flying aeroplane, and I captioned it with the warning...

"Don't try this at home!'

With hindsight, I may perhaps have underestimated the intelligence of my blog readers, as I would guess that most readers probably already realised that dancing on the roof of a aeroplane during a flight was dangerous.

Judging by many TV shows nowadays, it seems that some TV producers also underestimate the intelligence of their viewers, because the legal disclaimer 'Don't try this at home' seems to pop up at even the merest hint of danger.

For a stunt which is unexpectedly risky, you can maybe understand the logic of this warning, but other times you have to really question how stupid they must think we are if we need to be warned not to try some of the most dangerous stunts at home.

Here are a few examples I've noticed while watching TV over the last few months...

1) Ripping a necklace through your throat

Dynamo: Magician Impossible...

Dynamo swallows a polo, then forces a necklace into his throat.  He then rips it back out through his skin with the polo attached.  An impressed David Haye then warns viewers...

"Don't try this at home!"

About The Author

The 'How To Save The World' books
by Charles Fudgemuffin
Charles Fudgemuffin is the author of the alien comedy 'How To Save The World' books which are available for Kindle from Amazon.  The first book in the series is available from the following link:
How To Save The World: An Alien Comedy

As with all Kindle books, you can also download a free sample of the first few chapters.

Please note, the 'How To Save The World' books contain material suitable for ages 18+ and are not recommended for prudes or squares.