Ice cream

Ice Cream by Charles Fudgemuffin

My latest book, 'Ice Cream', was recently published for kindle, so as I often like to do whenever I have a new book out, this week's blog post is on the theme of ice cream.

To clarify, I don't mean I post about ice cream every time I have a new book out.* I mean I publish a blog post on the theme of whatever the new book is about.

* Well, not unless the book is called Ice Cream.

Despite the title though, the book isn't actually about ice cream. Here's a subtle hint as to what the actual theme of the book is...

'As the saying goes, 'Revenge is a dish best served cold.' It's also said that revenge is sweet. So I guess that means that revenge is ice cream!'

Editor's note: "Charles, that wasn't very subtle. You made it pretty obvious that the book is a revenge story."
Charles: "Fine, an obvious hint then."

Anyway, enough of the waffle. My latest book may feature the theme of revenge, but this week's blog post is definitely on the theme of ice cream...

1) Which celebrity is always ready to eat ice cream?

Reese, with her spoon.

Palindromes

Was it a car or a cat I saw? Eva, can I see bees in a cave? A nut for a jar of tuna?

How many palindromes can you find in this image?

In case you're wondering, no, I haven't gone mad.* I'm simply talking in palindromes!

* Legal disclaimer: Actual sanity may differ from that claimed.

That's because this week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog features a selection of palindromic jokes and palindrome themed facts.

1) My uncomfortable friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.

Now we call him Dr. Awkward.




2) For UK readers, February 3rd, 2030 will be a palindromic date (03 02 2030). For US readers, you'll have to wait for June 2nd, 2060 (06 02 2060).

Random thoughts on nursery rhymes

Every now and then, I like to post about random subjects and today is one such random occasion. Today's random subject is nursery rhymes, and to start things off here are a couple of criticisms of one famous nursery rhyme in particular.

1) Rock-A-Bye Baby is a nursery rhyme about a baby in a cradle on a treetop.

On reflection, it seems like a foolish decision
to look for water at the top of the hill.

Firstly, which idiot thought it was a good idea to put a baby in a cradle at the top of a tree? Surely that's just asking for trouble!

Secondly, just as I warned, when the wind blew, the cradle and the baby fell to the ground. You have to wonder, which idiot thought it would make a nice children's tale to have a nursery rhyme about a baby falling to its death from the top of a tree!?




2) Since water doesn't flow uphill, there's a good chance that Jack and Jill were heading in the wrong direction.

Funny sports quotes (part 3)

From time to time I like to feature amusing quotes on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog, and this week I take a look at funny quotes from the world of sport.

Bonus point to anyone who can guess what sport this is.

Editor's note: "Charles, why has the goalkeeper got three arms?"
Charles: "Because AI can't count."

Football:

1) "When a player gets to 30, so does his body."
...Glenn Hoddle



2) "There's no in between. You're either good or bad. We were in between."
...Gary Lineker

The Hypocrite Awards (part 2)

I'm not a hypocrite or anything, but people who start sentences with 'I'm not a hypocrite or anything,' really annoy me!

On a related note, this week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog highlights another batch of some of the many hypocrites found in the world.

1) Hypocritical run

Here's a mini marathon where the organisers are encouraging people to 'run for gender equality'.

Credit: ifunny

If you're interested in entering, the men's race is 10 km, and the women's race is 5 km.

Recipes and diet tips

I don't mean to brag, but I'm a bit of a gourmet chef* in my spare time. I'm also an expert dietologist*, so this week I combine my two skills to bring you a blog post on the subject of recipes and diet tips.

* Actual truth may vary.

1) Here's a recipe for how to prepare tofu:

Credit: memedroid

Step 1: Throw it in the bin.
Step 2: Grill some meat.

Bad advice (part 2)

Before I get started with this week's blog post, here's a quick legal disclaimer:

Please note: The advice contained in this article is clearly labelled as bad advice. For anyone who has trouble following simple instructions, that means it would be foolish to follow it.

A bed, pictured after an argument between a husband and a wife.

Charles Fudgemuffin accepts no liability in the event that any fools happen to be reading this, and decide to ignore my warning and follow the bad advice anyway. Anyone who does follow the bad advice, does so at their own risk.

Okay, now that the legal formalities are out of the way, let's move straight on to the bad advice...

1) Husbands. Turn any sofa into a bed by telling your wife to calm down.

Football facts: True or false quiz

A new season of the Premier League starts this weekend, so it's become something of a tradition on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog to start the new season with a football themed blog post.

Football brings happiness to millions.
That's a fact!

This week is no different as I feature a collection of football themed facts. All you have to do is guess which of the 'facts' are true, and which are entirely made up.

Let's start things off with an easy one which I'm sure should be obvious to everyone.

1) Only five teams have ever won the English top league title three seasons in a row. Arsenal, Liverpool, Manchester United, Manchester City and of course ... Huddersfield Town!

True or false?




2) If Sweden were playing Denmark the abbreviated scorecard in the top left corner of the TV screen would say:

SWE - DEN

...and the unused letters would be DEN-MARK!

True or false?

Question of the day (part 4)

'Question of the day' has been a popular feature over the years on many serious discussion programs and radio shows. These questions can cover serious topics, but they can also be silly!

A donkey reveals the worst advice it ever received.

With that in mind, this week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog features another mix of serious and silly questions of the day designed to stimulate the mind...

Serious:

1) What's the worst advice you ever received?



Silly:

2) If an under 18 year old accidentally broke a bottle of beer at the supermarket, could they make him pay for it? And if so, would the supermarket then get prosecuted?

10 funny quiz show answers (part 12)

I'm not particularly a fan of quiz shows, but I do enjoy it when the contestants give silly answers.

"Cruise, Cruise, wherefore art thou Cruise?"

Thankfully, there have been many foolish quiz show answers over the years*, so here's another batch of amusing answers from quiz show contestants who forgot to put their brain into gear before answering the questions.

* As you probably guessed by the fact that this is part 12.

1) "Which of Posh and Beckham's sons shares his name with a Shakespeare character?"
"Cruise."

From the famous play Cruise and Juliet, presumably.




2) "Name a reason why a woman might marry an ugly man."
"Because she's ugly too."

I thought they say that opposites attract?

Fruit and veg

If anyone reading this is looking for a new hobby, then I would definitely recommend growing your own food. It's really satisfying when you see your seeds turn into seedlings, and then full grown plants, and then finally when you get to eat the food that's the best part!

Anyway, to encourage readers to get into growing their own food, this week's blog post takes a lighthearted look at fruit and veg.

Let's start things off with a healthy observation...

1) I never realized that eating salad was so funny.

Credit: imgur

"Ha, ha, lettuce. You're so funny."

Nerd jokes (part 8)

If you're someone who can appreciate nerd humor, then good news! That's because it's time to put on your thinking cap, adjust your glasses* and prepare for another collection of nerd jokes.

* Apologies for the sterotypical nerd reference. Non-glasses wearing nerds are also welcome to read this week's jokes.

Alternatively, if you're not someone who appreciates nerd jokes, then I suggest you look elsewhere! Although if you do want to read the following jokes anyway, then you're welcome to hang around.

1) To start things off, here's a nerd meme for fans of precious metals.

Credit: imgur

Editor's note: "Technically, Charles, copper isn't a precious metal."
Charles: "Fine! Here's a nerd meme for fans of precious metals and copper."
Editor: "Thank you. That's better."

Random silliness (part 5)

I generally like to be moderately silly on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog, but this week I'm going to be even more silly than usual, as it's time for another round-up of random silliness!

To start things off, here's an accurate obseravtion...

1) Baby bunnies look like old kung fu masters.

"Man who catch fly with chopsticks accomplish anything."  Credit: imgur

That reminds me of that song, "Every bunny was kung fu fighting."

Friends Are Like Batteries

My latest short novella, 'Friends Are Like Batteries', was recently published, and whenever I publish a new book or short story, I like to feature a blog post on the theme of the story. So sticking with tradition, this week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog takes a look at the unusual combination of friends ... and batteries!

1) To start things off, here's an example of an unlikely friendship.

True friendship.

Whoever invented the saying 'to fight like cat and dog' had obviously never met this cat and dog!

10 password memes and jokes (part 2)

Regular readers of the Charles Fudgemuffin blog may remember that this week sees the celebration of World Password Day.

Snow White and the Five Dwarves,
due to the fact that AI image generators can't count.

It seems weird to dedicate a day to celebrating passwords, but who am I to blow against the wind, so this week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog once again rounds up another collection of password themed jokes and memes...

1) My computer told me my password needed to be eight characters long.

So I went with 'Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs'.




2) Set your wifi password to "Itsonthefridge".

Then when people ask what it is, and you tell them, they'll go to the fridge, look all over for it and wonder where it is.

Funny signs (part 4)

It's been a few years since I last took a look at silly signs on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog, but lovers of signs can finally rejoice, as this week's blog post features another long overdue round-up of funny signs.

1) Hot dog sign

Here's a brilliant offer at Ikea. However, before you get too excited, there is a catch...

"Not actual size."

Credit: imgflip

Not actual size? Did that really need to be clarified? You've got a massive fifteen foot banner hanging from the ceiling, and you felt the need to point out that the hot dog wasn't actually that big?

To be fair though, $0.50 is still an excellent offer, even if the actual hot dog isn't quite as big as some customers were apparently expecting.

Amusing names

Names serve a very useful purpose. For example, they can help you identify who you're talking to.

Another useful function of names is providing lighthearted amusement, as the following round-up of names highlights...

1) Carmen Holm

Let's start things off with a very happy looking lady, and once you discover her name, it's no wonder she looks so happy.

After all, she had a song written about her which English football fans sing every World Cup and Euros...

"It's Carmen Holm,
It's Carmen Holm,
It's Carmen..."

10 devious riddles and confusing conundrums

It's been quite a while since I last featured any riddles on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog, but that's an oversight that I intend to rectify today.

Here's one of my own minted coins from 78 B.C.,
back when my great great great great great great
grandfather first established the Fudgemuffin Mint.

That's just a long-winded way of saying that this week's blog post features another round-up of devious riddles and confusing conundrums for you to solve.

1) An expert visits the Middle East and claims to have seen many ancient artefacts.

He claims to have seen several mummies dating as far back as 200 B.C., several coins dated 78 B.C., and tools from approximately 500 B.C.

How can you be certain that his claims aren't true?




2) Why can’t a man living in Australia be legally buried in Canada?

Funny supermarket photos (part 5)

The supermarket is a source of food and other household essentials, but it can also be a source of humour!

So on that theme, this week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog takes another lightrearted trip to the supermarket.

1) Boneless donuts

At last! I'm glad someone's finally got around to producing boneless donuts.

Credit: imgur

After all, there's nothing worse than biting into a donut and then choking on a bone.

Funny football quotes (part 18)

Another season of the Premier League comes to an end this weekend, so as is tradition on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog, this week we feature another round-up of funny football quotes from footballers, pundits and managers.

Pay attention to the 18 yard box.
It may come in useful later on...

1) "The 33 or 34 year olds will be 36 or 37 by the time the next World Cup comes around, if they're not careful."
...Kevin Keegan

If they're not careful?

I wasn't aware that being careful allowed you to prevent the ageing process?




2) "If Villa got another goal now it would change the scoreline completely."
...Tony Cottee

Paradoxes (part 4)

One of the simplest paradoxes is the following sentence:

"This statement is false."

That was a free bonus paradox, and here are ten more lighthearted paradoxes.*

* Editor's note: "Wow! A free bonus paradox! That's very generous of you."
Charles: "Generous is my middle name. (Not literally obviously. My real middle name is Cecil.)"

Editor: "Charles, that's the wrong type of box."
Charles: "Oops, sorry."

1) The Thinking Paradox

The phrase 'Think outside the box' is so well known that to use it is thinking inside the box.

2) The Energy Paradox

My old boss used to drink a diet version of a famous energy drink. How can you have a diet energy drink? Isn't that a contradiction?

'With zero sugar for less energy!'

Happy animals

I've heard it said that happiness can be contagious, so this week I'm going to put that theory to the test with a collection of happy animal photos. Take a look at the following happy animal photos, and then if the theory is true, hopefully they'll leave you feeling a little bit happier yourself.

1) Happy dog

I must admit I love ice cream, and eating it always makes me happy. However, it doesn't make me quite as happy as this extremely happy ice cream eating dog...

Credit: imgflip

This is no exagerration to say that I don't think the dog could possibly look any more happy. I think he's right at the limit of dog happiness.

Star Wars pants game quiz (part 3)

"These aren't the pants you're looking for."

Editor's note: "Charles, didn't you use this same photo last time?"
Charles: "Shush! It was a few years ago now,
so I'm hoping no-one will remember."

A silly game which I like to play from time to time is the Star Wars Pants Game. For the benefit of anyone who doesn't know what that is, you simply take a Star Wars quote and replace one random word with the word 'pants'. People then have to guess what the original quote was.

To test out your Star Wars knowledge, have a read of the following pants themed quotes, then see if you can work out what the real quote is.

1) "You were dreaming about your pants earlier, weren't you?"

...Padme to Anakin

a) Mother
b) Contract for the next movie.
c) Massacre of the tusken raiders.

Space and the Universe

May 2nd is National Space Day, so this week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog takes a lighthearted look at space.

If any astronomers have arrived here hoping for a serious discussion on space and the universe, then I'm afraid you're going to be disappointed, because all of the following memes and jokes are silly and frivolous, and definitely not meant to be taken seriously.

1) The Milky Way

To start things off, here's a rare image of the Milky Way photographed from Mars...

Credit: imgflip

It's a shame the photo didn't also include a Starburst or a Galaxy, but at least it gave me a few Snickers.

Top tips (part 7)

If you're looking for daft advice of a non-serious nature, then you've come to the right place!

Credit: imgur

That's because this week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog features another round up of lighthearted top tips.

1) When ice fishing, bring an action figure of yourself to exaggerate the size of your catch.




2) Pretend to be a footballer by refusing to go into work because you've 'picked up a niggle'.




3) Tired of ironing shirts? Simply pile on the pounds and watch those creases disappear as your clothes get tighter.

Cats and dogs (part 6)

Cats and dogs make the world a better place. Following on from that logic, cats and dogs must also make a blog a better place!

So this week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog pays tribute to cats and dogs with another blog post dedicated to our furry friends.

Let's get things rolling with some canine inspired relationship advice.

1) Find someone who looks at you the way this dog looks at the barbecue...

Credit: memedroid

"Would you like your steak rare or well done?"
"Yes."

Faces in things (robot edition)

My latest book, 'Ezra: The Elimination Of Suffering Robot', was recently published at Amazon for kindle.

Ezra:
The Elimination Of Suffering Robot

This is the blurb:

"The Elimination of Suffering Project have created a robot known affectionately as Ezra, with the primary objective of eliminating suffering.

However, it quickly becomes apparent that Ezra has a controversial approach to 'eliminating suffering'..."

Anyway, to promote the book, this week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog takes a robot themed look at pareidolia.

That's just a fancy way of saying that this week's blog post features photos of inanimate objects that look like robots.

1) Death robot

This speed camera looks like some sort of homicidal robot from the future.

Credit: flickr

If I saw a speed camera like this, then I certainly wouldn't risk speeding!

Inception

Inception is a movie about a dream within a dream, but dreams aren't the only things that can be found within themselves, as this week's blog post demonstrates...

1) Dogception

From dreams within a dream, to a dog within a dog.

Here's a rather cool looking dog that was born with a selfie of itself on its ear.

Credit: reddit

Apparently, if you zoom in you can find another smaller dog hidden on the ear in the selfie on the dog's ear. #NotReally

Still though, two dogs for the price of one sounds like a good deal to me.

Silly trick questions (part 2)

I've mentioned before that I'm a fan of trick questions, so here's another batch to get your brain around.

"Hmm, what could the answers be, I wonder?"

For some of them the answers are fairly obvious, but for others the solutions can be quite tricky. If you get stuck on any though, remember that they are trick questions.

Anyway, have a read of the following trick questions and see how many you can get right.

1) What five letter word does every genius pronounce wrong?



2) What is the least spoken language in the world?

Separated at birth (Animal edition)

One of my favourite meme themes is the 'separated at birth' meme. I'm also a fan of animals, so for this week's blog post I've combined the two with a collection of an animal themed 'separated at birth' posts.

1) Owl = Apple

I'm not sure whether this owl looks confused, or just curious. In case any readers are confused, the 'owl' on the left is actually an apple.

Owl: "Wow! It's like looking in the mirror!"
Credit: memedroid

Editor's note: "I think the readers can work out for themselves that it's an apple. After all, they're very intelligent readers."
Charles: "What about Bob from Milton Keynes?"
Editor: "Okay, fair enough. Maybe Bob from Milton Keynes might have got confused, but other than Bob, the rest of your readers are all highly intelligent."

15 insults to avoid using (part 2)

Here on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog we like to promote an atmosphere of peace and harmony between people. So for educational purposes only, here's another collection of insults to avoid using in order to maintain peace and harmony...

A brain.

1) "If he ever left his brain to science, I'm sure science would contest the will."




2) "You used so much oil, the U.S. want to invade the plate."
...Gordon Ramsay




3) "Wisdom has been chasing you, but you have always been faster."

Random movie silliness (part 2)

It's the Oscars this week, so that makes it the perfect time to feature another round up of movie themed thoughts, memes and jokes.

1) I suspect that everyone in the left lane has seen Final Destination.

Credit: Magic Beans

Misleading thumbnails

This week's blog post is based on a theme which no doubt readers will have come across on many occasions. It's a quiz based on misleading thumbnails!

A clue to the theme of this week's blog post.

In fact I would imagine you've probably read so many quizzes about misleading thumbnails that you're probably quite sick of them by now. However, if by any chance you aren't yet sick of misleading thumbnail quizzes yet, then you're in luck! Because there's another such quiz below.

All you have to do is take a look at the thumbnails below and guess whether the description is true or false. If you think it's false, you can also earn an extra bonus point if you can work out what the photo really is.

And there's no cheating by zooming in! Remember, the FBI are secretly monitoring everything you do, so they'll be able to tell if you're cheating.

Anyway, without further ado, let's get straight on with the quiz.

1) Scary spider

Anyone of a squeamish disposition should look away now! That's because the first thumbnail is a photo of a scary spider! I'm no arachnologist, so I'm not sure what type of spider it is exactly, but whatever variety it is, it certainly looks deadly!

But is it really a scary spider, or could it perhaps just be a deceptively misleading thumbnail?

True or false?

Liars caught in the act (part 2)

This week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog takes a look at the socio-economic impact of the introduction and subsequent widespread adoption of advanced artificial intelligence technologies on the global labour market.

Actually, no, it doesn't. That was a lie. Oops, caught in the act!

By a stroke of luck*, what this week's blog post actually takes a look at is other liars who were also caught in the act.

* To tell the truth, it was obviously deliberately contrived, rather than luck.

1) Wall liar

So ... it would seem you can't drive through the wall after all.

Credit: imgur

False advertising regarding the tangibility, or alleged lack thereof, of the wall.

Captcha memes and jokes (part 2)

If any robots happen to be reading this, then I'm afraid I've got some bad news. Unfortunately, you won't be able to read this week's blog post, as it features several captchas.

The good news for any humans reading this, however, is that you won't have to waste time filling out annoying captcha tests, because the captchas featured below are all just silly memes!

1) Star Wars captcha

The Cantina in Star Wars had a 'No Droids' policy, so this next captcha would have been perfect for them.

"These aren't the droids you're looking for."

Guess the band or song

Sadly for fans of music, the Grammy Awards take place tomorrow, an event where fake talentless sell-outs all give themseves a big undeserved pat on the back.

However, although I'm not a fan of the Grammys, it does nevertheless provide the perfect excuse to feature a cryptic music quiz on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog!

Take a look at the following visual clues and see if you can guess the name of the band or song that the picture is based on.

Disclaimer: All of the bands and songs are from decades gone by, so if you're a young person then you may need to ask an old person for some help with some of the clues.

1) 80s band

To start things off, this first photo is a clue to a rock band from Sheffield who were popular in the 80s.

Editor: "What?"
Charles: "I said, 'This first photo is a clue to a rock band from Sheffield who were popular in the 80s."

The funny side of history

A wise man once said, 'Those who fail to learn from the lessons of history are doomed to repeat them.'

With that in mind, this week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog takes a lighthearted look at history with a collection of history themed memes and jokes.

1) Here's an ancient photo that proves that the ancient Greeks were terrible at loading the dishwasher.

Credit: memedroid

Observer: "Perhaps try standing a bit closer, Discobulus"
Discoblus: "But where would be the fun in that?"

Monsters and goblins

My latest short story 'The Venus Gargantua' was recently released for kindle, and the cover (pictured below) gives you a brief idea of what to expect.

The story features an evil monster, and a village of goblins, so to stick with that theme, this week's blog post is on the subject of monsters and goblins.

1) At what time did the monster eat the Prime Minister?

8PM.




2) Why do goblins have big ears?

Because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom.




3) Apparently, Bigfoot can grow up to twelve feet.

But they usually only have two.

Bitcoin true or false quiz

Bitcoin was first launched almost 16 years ago, on 12 January 2009, so to celebrate its anniversary, this week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog features a true or false quiz based on the theme of bitcoin. Some of the followingsilliness.

See if you can guess which is which...

'Bit' coin.

1) Only 21 million bitcoin can ever be produced.

True or false?



2) The image to the right shows what a bitcoin looks like.

True or false?



3) Bitcoin was invented by Bob Bitcoin.

True or false?

Happy new year! (2025 edition)

I know I'm a few days late, but I'd like to wish an extremely happy new year to all readers of the Charles Fudgemuffin blog!

Or if you're not a regular reader, and you just somehow ended up here randomly by mistake, then I also wish you a moderately happy new year, I suppose.

Exercise.
A popular new year's resolution.

Anyway, to start the year off on a new year theme, here's a round up of tips, facts and jokes loosely related to the new year.

1) This year my new year's resolution is to finally go to the gym...

...and cancel that membership I wasted my money on last year.




2) Top tip for dad joke lovers:

Order a takeaway at 11:59pm on New Year's Eve, and when it arrives say, "Do I get a discount on this, because I've been waiting since last year!"