Friends Are Like Batteries

My latest short novella, 'Friends Are Like Batteries', was recently published, and whenever I publish a new book or short story, I like to feature a blog post on the theme of the story. So sticking with tradition, this week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog takes a look at the unusual combination of friends ... and batteries!

1) To start things off, here's an example of an unlikely friendship.

True friendship.

Whoever invented the saying 'to fight like cat and dog' had obviously never met this cat and dog!

Amazon ███ ██████ have acted in a way which I find somewhat frustrating.

I'll get straight to the point. Amazon are ██████! (Editor's comment: Charles, you can't say that! I've therefore taken the liberty of censoring your comment, and replacing it with the following more diplomatic response.) Amazon have acted in a way which I find somewhat frustrating.

 
Now allow me to go into more detail as to why Amazon are ██████ have acted in a way which I find somewhat frustrating.

'A nice fifteen minute story.'

Just one of many reviews which give subtle clues that
'How To Poison Your Husband And Get Away With It'
is a story, not an instruction manual.

A few years ago I published a humorous short story entitled 'How To Poison Your Husband And Get Away With It (A Short Story)' on Amazon. My short story had lots of positive feedback from readers and received a number of four and five star reviews, some of which I have included in this blog post.

Obviously to anyone with half a brain it was obvious that 'How To Poison Your Husband And Get Away With It (A Short Story)' was a fictional short story and not a 'How To' guide. However, to clarify that it was a short story, I took the following actions:

1) I included the parenthesised words '(A Short Story)' in the title.
2) I categorised it in the 'fiction' category.
3) I included the following disclaimer in the blurb:

Things that come in twos (part 2)

As I've discussed before on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog, there are many things that come in twos, such as gloves, socks, tennis players, and for some people, faces.

Another thing that comes in twos is the number of bullets in the title of my latest short story ... Two Bullets!

So to promote my latest short story, this week's blog post takes a look at more things that come in twos...

Optician: "I've got the results of your eye test, and they're not good."
Patient: "Can I see them?"
Optician: "Probably not."

1) Eyes

Eyes come in twos, and so, on this occasion, do jokes about eyes...

i) I love jokes about the eyes.
The cornea the better!

ii) What should you do if your eyes are dry?
Moisturise.

We Come In Peace, and Other Short Stories

My latest book, 'We Come In Peace, and Other Short Stories' was published a few days ago, and as you might guess from the title, it features a collection of light-hearted science fiction themed short stories.

'We Come In Peace, and Other Short Stories'
The latest book from Charles Fudgemuffin.

To promote the book, this week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog features a quiz. Don't worry though, you don't need to have read the book to know the answers, as each question is based on the themes from each short story.

1) We Come In Peace

The opening and titular short story of the book features an alien who visits the leader of a planet, so to start things off, here's a question on the subject of aliens.

Three of the following types of alien themed insurance are just silly fictitious policies that I made up, but one of them is real! Which of the following types of insurance can you actually buy?

A) Alien Abduction Insurance
B) U.F.O. Collision Insurance
C) Alien Invasion Insurance
D) Interstellar Travel Insurance

10 romance themed jokes for Valentine's Day

Next week sees the release of my latest short story, 'A Love Story: A Coward's Tale'. As the name suggests, it's a story on the theme of romance, so sticking with the theme of love, this week's blog post features a collection of romance themed jokes...

Wow! What a surprise!

1) How do circus tightrope performers find romance?
Online dating.



2) I told my girlfriend she was drawing her eyebrows on too high.
She looked surprised.



3) After several months, I finally told my hot co-worker how I felt, and it turns out she felt the same way!
So we turned the air-conditioning on.

I'm not going to mention Peanuts, Gold And Happiness...

My latest short story
'Peanuts, Gold And Happiness'
which I'm not going to mention
at all this week.

My latest short story, 'Peanuts, Gold And Happiness' was recently released, and usually on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog, whenever I release a new short story or new book, I traditionally feature a blog post promoting the short story or book.

However, I've decided that it's kind of egotistical to use my blog just to advertise my short stories, so instead I've decided for once that this week I'm not going to promote my latest short story. In fact I'm not going to mention it at all.

Instead this week I've decided to feature a selection of totally random clips, memes and puzzles...

1) Giraffe or dolphin

Readers may remember the 'laurel or yanny' audio clip which went viral a couple of years ago. It was a rather weird audio trick whereby two people could listen to the same audio clip, and one person would hear the word 'laurel' while the other would hear the word 'yanny'.

Giraffe or dolphin?
You(r ears) decide!

Here's a similar audio trick with the words giraffe and dolphin. The voice narrator is actually saying 'giraffe', but a few seconds of introductory ambient noises have been added to the audio to trick the human mind into hearing the word 'dolphin' when the narrator's audio begins.

It only works on people with sharp mental reflexes, so if you hear the word 'dolphin' you're quite possibly a genius! Whereas if you hear the word 'giraffe', your brain is too slow to be deceived by clever audio engineering!

Anyway, have a listen to the clip and see what you hear...

Random time travel thoughts

My latest time travel themed short story, 'Ranieri and the Eight Planets', is released today, so this week's blog post has a time travel theme to it.

Some of the following time travel thoughts get quite complicated, so I recommend reading the following with a clear head.

What effect would time travel have on eyesight?

1) If you could freeze time for everyone and everything but yourself, how would you see anything? If all the photons of light were frozen in place, no light would hit your eye except if you moved.

Since the photons would be frozen, would you have to walk around just to see, using your eyes like scoops to collect the visions fixed in the air in front of you?


2) Once time travel is invented, will it have always existed?


3) In 2016, Leicester City won the English Premier League at odds of 5,000-1. No one placed a bet of more than £25 which probably suggests that the secret of time travel will never be discovered, because if it was, surely someone would go back in time and take advantage of such generous odds?

True or false: Six scary 'facts' for Halloween (part 2)

It's Halloween in a few days' time, so with that in mind my latest short story, 'Burn The Witch', has a kind of a scary theme to it!

'Burn The Witch'
The latest short story from Charles Fudgemuffin.

But the Halloween theme isn't over yet, because to continue the scariness, this week's blog post features a true or false quiz with a scary Halloween theme.

Take a look at the following facts and bluffs, and see if you can suss out which claims are true, and which claims are nothing but a devious bluff...

1) Scary Creepy director

In the movie Halloween, the character Laurie Strode was named after the director John Carpenter's first girlfriend ... which I find a little bit creepy to name the slasher victim after your ex-girlfriend.

True or false?

True Or False: A dinosaur quiz featuring weird facts and bluffs

My latest short story 'The Ferociosuarus' is released this weekend. It features an exotic off-world creature, which as you can see by the cover looks suspiciously like a dinosaur. So sticking with the theme of dinosaurs, this week's blog post features a true or false quiz featuring dinosaur related facts and bluffs.

Have a read of the following dinosaur 'facts' and see if you can work out which ones are true, and which ones are bluffs...

1) Breaking the speed limit!

Velociodocus could run as fast as 72 mph! That's faster than the speed limit in the UK, and it's also faster than the cheetah, which at 50-70 mph is the fastest living animal known today.

True or false?

More nice reviews

It's been a few months since I released my short story, 'We Come In Peace', and I'm happy to say I've had a couple of nice reviews. My recent short stories have also been getting a lot more downloads than I usually get, so all in all I'm really pleased.

Here are the reviews of 'We Come In Peace', together with a few reviews of some of my earlier short stories:

1) We Come In Peace

Here's the first review...

"Great short story, funny and clever."

Never work with children or animals ... or violent psychopathic criminals!

My latest short story, 'Never Work With Children Or Animals ... Or Violent Psychopathic Criminals', is released this weekend, so sticking with that theme, this week's blog post features a collection of memes featuring children, animals, and criminals ... and in some cases a combination of the three.

1) Three held in 30 man brawl

This first photo highlights that appearances can be deceiving...

I'm hoping this is simply a case of a badly placed headline/photo combination.

Hidden Android Easter eggs.

The Android. A short story.

My latest short story, 'The Android' is released this weekend, so sticking with the theme of androids, here's a guide on how to unlock a cool hidden Easter egg found within the Android operating system.

The process is the same for every version of Android...

1) Go into settings.

2) Tap 'About tablet' or 'About phone'.

3) Tap 'Android version' or 'Firmware version' several times very quickly.

'Settings' / 'About tablet' / 'Android version'

Things that come in twos

The Boy With Two Heads
... a short story about a boy with two heads.

Many things come in twos. For examples, gloves, socks, tennis players, and salt and pepper shakers.

Another thing that comes in twos, is the number of heads on the boy with two heads! The boy with two heads is the star of my latest short story called, surprisingly enough, 'The Boy With Two Heads'.

So on the theme of twos, here's a random selection of other things which come in twos...

1) Gloves

Unless you're Michael Jackson!

If your girlfriend has a pair of these, she's a keeper.

Short story reviews

The covers to some of my recent short stories.

In recent weeks I've published several short stories, and thankfully quite a few of them have had positive reviews.

It's always nice when someone downloads your book or short story, and it's even nicer when a reader leaves positive feedback, so big thanks to anyone who has read any of my short stories, and massive thanks to anyone who has left a review on Amazon.

Here are some of the recent reviews:

Alternative uses for five of the most deadly poisons in the world

This week the usually light-hearted Charles Fudgemuffin blog gets serious as we take a look at five of the most powerful toxins in the world, starting with a toxin which will be familiar to most people...

1) Botulinum

Don't try this at home!

Botulinum is the most powerful toxin known to man, and when delivered intravenously a dose of a mere 1.3-2.1 ng/Kg is estimated to be enough to kill a human! Based on a typical adult weighing 70 Kg, that means a dose as low as 0.000000119 grams could potentially kill someone!

Alternative use:

Most people will probably have heard of the most famous form of botulinum, which is marketed commercially as Botox.

You may find it strange that the most powerful poison known to man would be available commercially, but don't worry ... Botox isn't marketed at people looking to poison someone! Botulinum also has medical uses such as treating muscle spasms and overactive muscles, as well as being used for cosmetic purposes to reduce facial wrinkles.

Surprisingly, botulinum can also be used to treat excessive sweating. I have to say, being treated with one of the most powerful toxins known to man would only make me sweat more!

10 facts about walking

Its only 247 days until National Walking Day (April 2nd, 2018), so to celebrate here are ten walking related facts!

These shoes were made for walking.
Or specifically, hiking.
But that's basically the same thing, more or less.
Editor's note: Hiking is a specific form of walking,
generally in natural surroundings.

1) The world is 24,900 miles in circumference and the average walking pace is 3 miles per hour. It would therefore take a person walking nonstop approximately 346 days to walk around the world.


2) However, to do so they would have to be able to walk on water because they would come across numerous oceans on their travels!


3) The longest walk around the world (not literally obviously, because he couldn't walk on water) was completed by Jean Beliveau who walked a massive 46,600 miles around 64 countries in 11 years.

Gravity, and how to lose weight

The weight of an average adult varies around the world, from an average of 57.7Kg in Asia, to an average of 80.7 in North America.

However, the weight of an average adult varies far more dramatically once you leave Earth and travel around the solar system. For example, the average adult weighs far less on the Moon than they do on Earth. So if you want to lose weight in a hurry, the quickest way to do so is to live on the Moon!

Here's what an average adult would weight on various planets and other universal objects, based on an average weight of 70 Kg.

Pluto, the dwarf planet.

Pluto - 4.6 Kg

As I'm sure everyone is aware now, Pluto is no longer a planet and in 2006 was reclassified by the International Astronomical Union (IAU) as a dwarf planet. However, although the IAU had the power to take away Pluto's planetary status, they didn't have the power to take away it's gravity!

What little gravity it has, that is, because on the dwarf planet of Pluto, due to its low gravity an average adult would weigh a mere 4.6 Kg!

Equivalent object on Earth = That's a little heavier than a newborn baby.

A puzzle involving truth and lies

The Puppet Master
A short story by Charles Fudgemuffin

This week my latest short story 'The Puppet Master' was published for kindle from Amazon. Here's the blurb...

"A mysterious masked figure wearing two puppets on his hands is shooting random strangers with poison darts. He then sets his victims a puzzle which they must solve in return for the antidote. Is this 'Puppet Master' crazy? Or is there a method to his madness..."

Without giving away too much of the plot, the Puppet Master is kind of like a crazy Batman villain. If his victims correctly solve the puzzle, they get to drink an antidote to the poison and survive. If they fail to solve the puzzle, well ... it's curtains!

If you want to test yourself, this is the puzzle that the Puppet Master sets his victims...

"After shooting you with a poison dart, the Puppet Master appears wearing a blue puppet on his right hand and a red puppet on his right hand. He then places three bottles containing coloured liquid on the ground in front of you. One of the liquids is blue, one is red, and the third liquid is purple. One of these bottles contains more poison, one of the bottles contains an antidote, and the third bottle simply contains coloured water. However, you don't know which bottle is which.

Star Wars: 'Guess the movie name' quiz

It's only 166 days until the next Star Wars movie is released, so to celebrate, this week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog features a Star Wars movie quiz!

See if you can work out the name of the Star Wars movie from each of the following cryptic visual clues...

1) Clue: How many?

Four twitter accounts, all belonging to ladies with the same name.

How To Poison Your Husband And Get Away With It

'How To Poison Your Husband And Get Away With It'
To clarify, it's a short story collection, not a 'How To' guide!

Today sees the release of a new book from Charles Fudgemuffin entitled 'How To Poison Your Husband And Get Away With It'.

For the avoidance of any doubt, 'How To Poison Your Husband And Get Away With It' is a collection of short stories. It is not a 'How To' guide. Apologies to anyone with sinister intentions who arrived at this page after a nefarious internet search.

'How To Poison Your Husband And Get Away With It, and Other Short Stories' is priced at £1.99/$2.99, but the ten short stories from the collection are also available individually.

Here's a brief summary of each of the ten short stories:

Is A KitKat A Chocolate Bar Or A Biscuit?

As you've probably already guessed from the title, 'Is A KitKat A Chocolate Bar Or A Biscuit?' is a story about a brutal gangster, his closest life-long friend, and a local punk.