Things that come in twos (part 2)

As I've discussed before on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog, there are many things that come in twos, such as gloves, socks, tennis players, and for some people, faces.

Another thing that comes in twos is the number of bullets in the title of my latest short story ... Two Bullets!

So to promote my latest short story, this week's blog post takes a look at more things that come in twos...

Optician: "I've got the results of your eye test, and they're not good."
Patient: "Can I see them?"
Optician: "Probably not."

1) Eyes

Eyes come in twos, and so, on this occasion, do jokes about eyes...

i) I love jokes about the eyes.
The cornea the better!

ii) What should you do if your eyes are dry?
Moisturise.

Editor's note: "The caption about the optician is technically a joke, so that makes three jokes."
Charles: "It's okay, the joke about dry eyes wasn't very funny, so that brings it back down to two jokes again."
Editor's note: "The 'cornea' joke wasn't very funny either, so that brings it down to one."

2) Legs

Legs come in twos, but only if you're a human and not a dog.

However, that does beg the question, why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto stands on four legs? They're both dogs!

Editor's note: "Charles, that's the wrong kind of fortnight."

3) Weeks

When a week comes in twos, it's known as a fortnight, and apparently, the word 'fortnight' is from the Old English term 'feowertyne niht' which means fourteen nights.

I recently changed my password to 'fortnight' but they said I had to choose something else, because 'fortnight' was two week.

4) The animals on the ark

When most people think of the Ark, they probably think of animals going in two by two. I certainly did when I was compiling this blog post!

Mr Lion: "Why are there only two of us!?"
Mrs Lion: "Presumably we must be unclean."
Mr Lion: "What a cheek! My hygiene is impeccable!"

However, when researching this article, I discovered that in actual fact Genesis, chapter 7, verse 2 actually reads:

"Of every clean beast thou shalt take to thee by sevens, the male and his female: and of beasts that are not clean by two, the male and his female."

So Noah was actually commanded to take seven of every clean beast, and only two of each unclean beast. Perhaps the above title should therefore read, 'The unclean animals of the ark.'

Anyway, just like eye jokes, animals on the Ark jokes also come in twos...

i) Day 26 of Noah's diary...
"Mmm! Unicorn pie is delicious!"

ii) What did Noah say when he finished loading all the animals onto the ark?
"Now I've herd everything."

5) Single items, apparently

Is this a pair of scissors, or a pair of pair of scissors!?

The dictionary describes a pair as follows:


pair (noun)

1) Two things that are matched for use together.


And yet binoculars, sunglasses, glasses, trousers, shorts, handlebars and even scissors are all described as pairs, even though they're all single items!

6) Chopsticks

Just like eyes and animals* on the ark, chopsticks also come in twos. And also just like eye jokes and animals on the ark jokes, so do jokes about chopsticks...

* Unclean.

i) Why did the blind man use chopsticks?
Because he couldn't see the point in forks.

Two Bullets

The latest short story from Charles Fudgemuffin.

ii) Luke Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi were out for a meal at a Chinese restaurant. Ben noticed that Luke was struggling to use his chopsticks, so he gradually became more and more annoyed, until eventually he lost his temper and shouted, "Use the forks, Luke!"

7) Bullets

As the characters in my latest short story discuss, bullets also come in twos, at least in some situations...

However, if you'd like to know what those situations are, then you'll have to read Two Bullets!

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Two Bullets is available for kindle from Amazon: