Top tips (part 4)

Every year I like to try to gain experience and learn more useful knowledge, so what better way to end the year than by sharing some of that knowledge with another round-up of silly top tips!

"Who's that handsome fellow in the mirror?"

1) Spice up any facebook comment with random quotation marks. For example:

'Congratulations' on your baby.

Congratulations on 'your' baby.

Congratulations on your 'baby'.

Credit: @life_lamp

2) Save money on expensive mirrors by keeping a photo or drawing of yourself, or by just remembering what you look like.

Random Christmas thoughts (part 2)

Christmas Day is here again! Merry Christmas to everyone who read the Charles Fudgemuffin blog this year, and I'll leave you with these random Christmas related thoughts...

"... and a happy new year!"

1) Hearing bumps and crashes in your house on Christmas night would be terrifying for adults, but exciting for children.



2) The person who wrote 'We wish you a Merry Christmas' was too lazy to write two songs for two separate occasions.

Controversial Christmas questions (part 2)

Christmas will soon be upon us once again, bringing happiness, joy, and also ... controversy. I've featured controversial Christmas questions before on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog, but there are many more Christmas related topics that divide opinion.

So with that in mind, have a read of the following controversial Christmas questions, then vote on what you think is the correct answer...

Christmas trees.
A source of joy, happiness, and differing opinions.

1) Do you prefer a real Christmas tree or a plastic Christmas tree?

I've mostly had a plastic tree for Christmas, opting for convenience over tradition. However, if you do go for a real tree, apparently you should check the base of the tree where it's been cut to ensure that the tree is pale. This means the tree has been freshly cut and will last longer.

Now that I've got the advice out of the way, it's time to get down to the important question. Where do you fall on the Christmas tree debate? Do you prefer a real tree or a plastic tree?

World Cup jokes and memes

The 2022 World Cup comes to an end next weekend, so it seems an appropriate time to feature a random collection of World Cup related memes and jokes!

1) This is what Phil Foden would look like if he was a cat...

#SeparatedAtBirth

For the record, Phil Foden is a class footballer who should be a guaranteed starter for England. Nevertheless, I have to admit, his hairstyle does look a bit like he copied it from a Lego figure.

Jokes that work better when spoken aloud

Some jokes work best when they're spoken aloud. So, given that the Charles Fudgemuffin blog is published in written form, that would therefore make those type of jokes the worst possible jokes to feature on the blog.

"Get out!"
"No, gout!"

Nevertheless, despite how illogical and unsuited jokes like that would be for a blog post, I'm going to feature them anyway!

To enhance the quality of your joke reading experience, you may wish to read each joke aloud. However, I only recommend doing this if you are on your own, otherwise people might think you're a bit weird if you just start randomly reading out jokes.

1) Me: "Doctor, I've got really sore feet."
Doctor: "Gout."
Me: "But I've only just got here!"

10 funny quiz show answers (part 10)

I don't watch a lot of quiz shows, but I do enjoy it when quiz show contestants give silly answers! With that in mind, this week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog features another round up of funny quiz show answers.

Merry Wednesday!

To start things off, here's an amusing answer to a question from Tipping Point...

1) "On what date is Christmas Day traditionally celebrated each year?"
"Wednesday."



2) "Name an animal used as a form of transport."
"A turtle."



3) "Name a game played in the dark."
"Charades."

The Quiz Master

Regular readers of the Charles Fudgemuffin blog may have noticed that whenever I publish a new book or short story I generally like to promote it with a blog post, and this week is no different! My latest book 'The Quiz Master' was released this week, so in keeping with tradition, here's a brief summary of the plot:

The Quiz Master.
Available for kindle from Amazon.

"When the Deep Space Genesis agency discover the first potentially inhabitable exoplanet 'Nova Satus III', they plan to transport ten convicted criminals to that planet to use as metaphoric 'canaries in a coal mine', in order to test the suitability, and safety, of the planet's surface for human life.

However, even before the 'canaries' have barely started their journey, a mysterious hacker known only as 'The Quiz Master' takes control of the ship, and puts the canaries through a sick and twisted 'Last Man Standing' elimination game that will leave nine of the canaries dead, and only one survivor.

Who is this mysterious Quiz Master, and what are his motivations? And which of the ten contestants will survive?"

- - - - - - - - - -

As regular readers of the Charles Fudgemuffin blog may also have noticed, I occasionally like to feature quizzes on the blog. However, whereas the quizzes on my blog are generally light-hearted and sometimes a little bit silly, the quizzes, situations, and tests that the 'contestants' face are somewhat more unsettling, and of course the stakes are a lot higher!

To give you an idea of some of the questions, dilemmas and tasks that the contestants face to determine who is 'eliminated', one of the rounds that the Quiz Master puts them through is called Moral Dilemmas. In this round, the contestants are faced with numerous hypothetical moral dilemmas, one of which is as follows:

How to be an entrepreneur

If you fancy yourself as an entrepreneur, then there's no better time to get started, as November 16th, 2022, is officially National Entrepreneurs' Day!

"Aaragh! I can't think of any ideas for my new company."
"Relax, the Charles Fudgemuffin blog is here to help."

Maybe you've already got a great idea which you're sure is your pathway to a money making goldmine. However, if you're having a hard time thinking of ideas for what sort of company to set up, then you could always get some random websites to come up with random ideas for you.

Either way, the following step by step guide can help you create your new company...

1) Create a name for your company

First of all, you'll need a name for your new company. After several brainstorming sessions and idea-generating workshops, I eventually settled on the name 'Fudgemuffin' for my new company. However, if you're stuck for ideas then wordoid.com can come up with multiple random names for your company.

The random company name it picked for me was...

Extrembled

Not as catchy as 'Fudgemuffin', I'm sure you'll agree, but nevertheless still a moderately okay name.

Amusingly confused

I'm confused. No ... wait! Maybe I'm not.

In all seriousness, I'm not actualy confused. That was just a silly way to lead into this week's blog post which features examples of people who are amusingly confused.

1) Picture, Picture, On The Wall

To start things off, presumably this first amusingly confused person has never heard of mirrors...

"Why do you have a framed picture of your ceiling fan?"

10 jokes and memes about jobs (part 2)

If you're a relative of an influential politician then you may have a high paid 'consultancy job' in a foreign country which coincidentally just so happens to receive billions of taxpayers' money in foreign aid, which definitely goes to help needy people and definitely doesn't get used as back handers for politicians' relatives. **shifty eyes**

Grumpy Cat: "Why are you so sad?"
Grumpy Clown: "I was sacked for being late.
What about you? Why are you so sad?"
Grumpy Cat: "Because I'm not the real Grumpy Cat. I'm just a look-alike.
I only get paid a fraction of what the real Grumpy Cat earned!"

However, the rest of us need to get real jobs, so this week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog features another round-up of jokes and memes about jobs.

1) A clown turned up for work late on his first day and he got sacked from the circus. He's suing for funfair dismissal.

Credit: Athletico Mince



2) Being a waiter isn't the most glamorous job, but it puts food on the table.

Funny signs (part 3)

It's been quite some time since the last batch of funny signs featured on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog, so here are a few more...

1) Funerals or potatoes

To start things off, here's a sign from a company offering a strange combination of services...

"For funerals or potatoes please come to side door."

Husband: "I'm just off to Mick's funeral."
Wife: "Get some potatoes while you're there."

Who said it: Alan Partridge or Richard Madeley?

Alan Partridge and Richard Madeley are different in many ways (for example, Alan is a fictitious character, whereas Richard is a real person). However, one thing they have in common is that they have both made a long list of embarassingly funny quotes over the years!

Unlike Bill Clinton, Richard Madeley knew he was innocent.

Editor: "Charles, you've given the first answer away!"
Charles: "Oops, sorry!"

So with that in mind, this the week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog hosts a Partridge vs Madeley quiz. All you have to do is take a read of the following quotes and see if you can guess who said each quote; Alan Partridge or Richard Madeley?

1) [To Bill Clinton] "I know what it’s like to be wronged by the press. I was once accused of shoplifting. Unlike you though, I knew I was innocent."

Funny 'literally' quotes (part 5)

From time to time I literally like to feature quotes highlighting misuse of the word 'literally' on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog, but incredibly, it's been almost three years since my last round-up of amusing misused literally quotes!

Leona Lewis, pictured after winning the X Factor.

However, this week the wait is literally over, as I finally get around to featuring another batch of funny 'literally' quotes starting with a quote from Leona Lewis after she won The X Factor...

1) ''I literally jumped out of my skin!''
~Leona Lewis



2) "Aston Villa have literally metaphorically had their pants pulled down."
~Dion Dublin

Make your mind up, Dion! Which one is it!? Literally or metaphorically?

15 insults to avoid using

In just a few days' time, it will National Be Nice Day. Being nice means not insulting people, so to ensure you know what to avoid, here's a round up of some famous amusing insults which you should definitely avoid using.

"Undercooked is just how I like my lamb!"

1) "This lamb is so undercooked, it's following Mary to school!"
~Gordon Ramsay



2) Reporter: "How many people work in the Vatican?"
Pope John Paul XXIII: "About half."



3) "I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll make an exception."
~Groucho Marx

Silly bus displays

This week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog takes a look at buses. Now you're probably thinking, 'Buses? How boring!', and admittedly, buses generally aren't very interesting or amusing.

However, the buses featured this week are! Each of the buses in this week's blog post has been chosen because of its noteworthy display...

1) Bussy McBusface

To start things off, here's an appropriately named bus from Glasgow driven by a bus driver with a sense of humour...

"Bussy McBusface"

Random thoughts (Nature edition)

From time to time, I like to post random thoughts on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog and this week is no different. Well, there is one slight difference. This week's random thoughts are all on the theme of nature...

Unfortunately I haven't got a photo of a real turtle, but I think you'll agree,
this fake turtle made from stones makes an impressive improvised version.
(If you squint your eyes, and just glance quickly.)

1) The early bird catches the worm, but surely sometimes the lazy bird must catch the lazy worm.



2) If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?



3) There are no baby butterflies.

'Yes, Prime Minister' quotes (part 2)

Once again politics is a subject that's been in the news this week, as the UK got a new Prime Minister.
To bring a touch of light-heartedness to proceedings, and as a temporary distraction from the doom that our traitorous politicians (of all parties) are leading us towards, I therefore decided it would be an appropriate time to feature another round-up of quotes from the classic political sitcom, 'Yes, Prime Minister'.

The Charles Fudgemuffin blog heads to
10 Downing Street for another batch of quotes
from the political sitcom, 'Yes, Prime Minister'.

As a quick recap for anyone who hasn't seen the show, Jim Hacker was the fictional Prime Minister, and Sir Humphrey Appleby was the chief civil servant who always tried to stop the Prime Minister from ever getting anything positive done, instead pursuing his own agenda.*

* Unlike real life, where bureaucrats definitely always respect the democratic will of the people. **shifty eyes **

1) Sir Humphrey: "If local authorities don't send us statistics, government figures will be a nonsense."
Jim Hacker: "Why?"
Sir Humphrey: "They'll be incomplete."
Jim Hacker: "Government figures are a nonsense anyway."
Bernard: "I think Sir Humphrey wants to ensure they're a complete nonsense."

10 riddles to celebrate National Riddle Day (part 2)

Today is National Riddle Day, so to celebrate, this week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog features another collection of fiendish riddles.

Another batch of riddles served up for
National Riddle Day.

1) Parent riddle

A doctor and a scientist went for a walk through a national park. One of them was the father of the other's son.

How was this possible?

2) Delicate riddle

What is so delicate that saying it's name breaks it?

New words, and when they were first used (part 3)

For every word ever used in the English language, there was a moment when someone used that word for the very first time. So on that theme, this week I take another look back through history to find out when a few words were originally used for the first time.

An elderly man teaching a youngerly child how to ride a bike.

1611: Elderly

The word 'elder' has been around since before the 12th century, and yet the word 'elderly' wasn't used until 1611. It seems like an obvious oversight to go over four centuries before someone had the idea to add 'ly' to the end of elder to refer to old people.

Having said that, the word 'younger' has also been around since before the 12th century, and we still haven't had the bright idea to refer to young people as 'youngerly'.* I suppose George Lucas came close when he used 'younglings', but as yet no-one has yet thought to use the word 'youngerly'.

* Except me. (c) Charles Fudgemuffin.

Random silliness (part 2)

If the world is getting you stressed right now, then here's my suggested antidote ... random silliness!

1) To start things off, here's a very silly, but also totally brilliant pacifier/dummy* for any parent who wants to know what their baby would look like if they had a moustache...

* Delete as appropriate depending on whether you're American or English.

Moustache pacifier/dummy.

He just needs a top hat and a monocle to complete the look.

Old words that are dying out (part 2)

As I've mentioned before on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog, language changes and some old words eventually die out. According to a survey by Perspectus Global, many words which were common just a few decades ago are disappearing from the vocabularies of younger people.

Here are a few more words that people aged 18-30 have never heard of:

1) Boogie (28%)

Silhouettes boogieing.

I tend to associate the word 'boogie' with the generation before me, so perhaps that explains why some of the younger generation have never heard of it. Anyway, for the benefit of the 28% of 18-30 year olds who don't know what 'boogie' means, it means to dance, specifically to pop music.

I think it may have been quite a cool word back in the day, but obviously if you said 'boogie' nowadays you'd probably sound like you were old and unfashionable, unless you said it ironically for a joke.

Funny football quotes (part 14)

The Qatar World Cup organisers lied and said they could hold the World Cup in the summer. However, it turned out they were lying and that wasn't possible, so as a result of their lies, the World Cup was moved to November. This means the Premier League season starts earlier this year to accommodate the Qatar World Cup organisers' lies.

Sticknaldo

I always like to celebrate the start of a new football season with a football themed blog post, so as a new football season starts this weekend (due to the lies of the Qatar World Cup organisers) that means that this week it's time for another round up of funny football quotes.

1) "In a way, Steve, Manchester City scoring early against Liverpool was the best thing that could happen to Liverpool."
~Sky Sports presenter

Yes, I can just imagine Jurgen Klopp giving his team talk...

"Right, lads. Go out there and concede an early goal, because that's the best thing that can happen to us."



2) "That was never a penalty in a million planets."
~Alan McInally

Anagrams (part 2)

'Huge buffoon collects weighted farm elm.'

"Quite asleep!"
Er, I mean, "Quiet, please!"

Don't worry, I haven't gone mad and started talking gibberish!* That's an anagram for 'Welcome to the Charles Fudgemuffin blog!'

* Well, no more than usual.

This week I take another look at anagrams, but once again, to mix things up a bit and check that you're staying alert, I've included one fake 'anagram' which isn't actually an anagram. See if you can spot which one it is.

1) If you enjoy peace and quiet, then you'll relate to this first anagram...

'Conversation' is an anagram of 'voices rant on'.

Silly tautologies (part 4)

As I'm sure every knows, the dictionary defines a tautology as 'needless repetition of an idea or description, or an instance of unnecessary recurrence'.

From time to time on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog, I like to draw attention to silly tautologies, so as it's been a while since my last round-up of silly tautologies, this week's blog post features another selection of unnecessary repetitions!

"Bah! A belated warning!
If only it had been an advance warning!"

1) Advance warning

An 'advance' warning? I think it's fair to say that all warnings are given in advance! You don't warn someone after the event has already occurred!

Imagine the weather forecast saying, "I'm warning you now, take an umbrella when you go out yesterday, because it rained yesterday."

Emoji quiz (part 3)

It's becoming kind of a tradition on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog to feature an emoji quiz every year for World Emoji Day, and this year is no different!

This year the categories are movies, websites, bands, and books. There's also a bonus point up for grabs if you can guess why July 17th was chosen as the day to celebrate World Emoji Day. (Here's a clue... 📅)

Category 1: Movies

To start things off, the movie category includes some classic movies. A not-so-classic movie also made the list.

Here's a clue...
It's not Silence Of The Sheep.

1) 🐍🐍✈️

2) 🗡️🏃‍♂️

3) (🧭😩)🌌

4) 🤐🐑🐑

5) 😇😈👹

Question of the day

It's time to focus on the question of the day ... with a mix of serious and silly questions. This week's question themes include inventions, prunes and Harry Potter.

Editor's note: "Charles, that's the wrong type of 'prune'!
Charles: "Yes, I know, but it's the closest photo I had, so it'll have to do."

Serious:

1) If you could remove one thing from the world, what would it be?



Silly:

2) If prunes are dried plums, then where does prune juice come from?

There are two types of people...

The world can be divided into two types of people. Those who divide the world into two types of people, and those who don't. This week I fall into the first category as this week's blog post features ten examples of the 'two types of people' joke.

There are two types of people in the world.

1) There are two types of people in the world.

Those with a short attention span and ... wow! Look at that advert over there at the right hand side of the page for my latest book!




2) There are 8/4 types of people in the world.

Those who understand fractions, and those who don't.

Nerd jokes (part (4x8)-(5x5))

If you've solved the sum in the title, then you'll know that this week's blog post is nerd jokes part 7. If you haven't solved the sum in the title, then you'll know anyway, because I've just told you!

A nerd, pictured three days before overmorrow.

Anyway, here's another batch of jokes with a nerdish theme to them...

1) There are three types of people in the world.
Those who can count, and those who can't!



2) The teacher gave us homework and said she wanted us to show that we understood fractions...

...so I only did half of it.

10 music jokes (part 4)

It's National Music Day on June 21st, so taking inspiration from the theme of music, this week's blog post features a collection of musical themed jokes...

Badum, tsch.

1) I was in the Post Office queue the other day when Diana Ross tried to push in.
I said to her, "You can't hurry, love. You'll just have to wait."



2) What did the the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two!



3) Surely Jon Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.

Funny things kids say (part 10)

A theme I often like to feature on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog is funny quotes by kids. In fact it's featured so often that this is the tenth instalment of 'funny things kids say'!

Anyway, here's another collection of amusing things said by kids...

One kid would rather have a puppy than a brother or sister.

1) Kid's best friend

To start things off, here's a conversation from a video clip that was posted on twitter by @FunnymanPage.

Parent: "Do you want a brother or a sister?"
Kid: "A puppy!"

To be fair, puppies are pretty cool.

2) Incredible!

This funny story from the giraffian website made me chuckle:

My daughter was watching me while I was on facebook, and saw my 'friends'. One of my friends has an image of Edna from The Incredibles as her profile photo, a movie our family loves, especially my daughter! In total amazement, she immediately said, "You know EDNA!?!?!"

It must be so exciting as a kid to discover your parent is apparently friends with one of your favourite cartoon characters!

Stupid autocorrect!

Autocorrect is a great idea in theory, but in reality I find myself correcting autocorrect more than autocorrect corrects me!

Anyway, on that theme this week the Charm Fuddlemuffler Charles Fudgemuffin blog takes a look at autocrat autocorrelation autocorrect...

1) Google were one of the first to introduce a form of autocorrect with their 'Did you mean' search suggestions, as illustrated below...

#irony

Search: "I cant stand being corrected."

Google: "Did you mean I can't stand being corrected."

Things that unintentionally made me laugh (part 3: stupid criminals)

From time to time I like to look at things that weren't supposed to be funny, but which my weird sense of humour nevertheless found amusing. This week it's the turn of criminals and potential criminals, with this week's blog post focusing on three unintentionally amusing lawbreakers and potential lawbreakers. As a sevice to any similar minded potential criminals reading this blog post, I've also included some advice for each example.

To start things off, here's a story which had me chuckling away to myself at the absurdity of the criminal in question...

This week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog
takes a look at foolish criminals.

1) Breach of contract

This is so ridiculous that you'll think I'm making it up, so look it up if you don't believe me. The story involves a woman who hired a hitman to kill her boyfriend for her. However, things didn't go to plan when instead the hitman kept the money and didn't kill her boyfriend.

Now I don't know what most people would do in a situation like this, because most people wouldn't hire a hitman in the first place. However, I know what most people wouldn't do, and that's report the hitman to the police. Yet that's exactly what this crazy woman did! She contacted the police to report the hitman for breach of contract!

Presumably the conversation must have went something like this...

Funny football quotes (part 13)

I like to mark the end of each football* season with a football themed blog post, so as the Premier League comes to an end this weekend here's another round-up of funny football quotes from managers, players and pundits...

Why was the duck given a red card?
For fowl-play.

* Or 'soccer' for the benefit of any American readers.

1) "I don't know if that result is enough to lift Birmingham off the bottom of the table, although it'll certainly take them above Sunderland."
…Mike Ingham



2) "If it stays as it is, I can’t see it altering."
…Graham Taylor sticks his neck out.



3) "There were two second division matches last night, both in the second division."
...Dominic Allen

Happy 10th birthday to Charles Fudgemuffin!

Incredibly, this week it's the 10th anniversary of the Charles Fudgemuffin blog! I've had some significant milestones along the way (such as reaching half a million page views a couple of years ago), but when I started the blog I never imagined I'd still be waffling on each week after ten years!

Anyway, in recognition of my 'birthday', this week's blog post features a birthday themed multiple choice statistical dilemma...

Happy Birthday!
...but to how many people?

Birthday conundrum

If two people are in the same room, there is a 1 in 365 chance of them sharing the same birthday, or a 0.27% chance.

If 366 people are in the same room, there is a 100% chance that at least two of them will share the same birthday.¹

So the question is, how many people would need to be in the room for there to be a 50% chance or greater that at least two people will share a birthday?

A) 23 people
B) 46 people
C) 92 people
D) 183 people

Silly pie charts (part 2)

For statisticians, pie charts are a useful tool for presenting data in an easy to understand format. However, an even better use for pie charts is for making daft jokes on the internet!

With that in mind, this week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog features another collection of silly pie charts.

1) Yoda

This first pie chart owes its inspiration to the wisdom of Yoda.

"Your choices, as per Yoda."

"Do or do not, there is no try."

Faces in things (Star Wars edition)

We're only a few days away from Star Wars Day (or May The Fourth Be With You Day, as it's also known), so that means it's time for another Star Wars themed blog post.

This week I take a look at Star Wars related pareidolia, or Star Wars faces in things for people who don't like long words! Collected below are a variety of Star Wars characters found in various objects and items, starting with a familiar coffee maker...

1) Darth Vader

"Luke, I am your coffee maker!"

Decaf Vader

"I find your lack of milk and sugar disturbing."

Funny labels

I occasionally feature amusing signs on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog, but this week I'm going to deviate from amusing signs slightly and feature instead amusing labels, starting with a label which is technically correct, but probably unnecessary...

1) For worst results

Whoever wrote the label on this item of clothing obviously has a sense of humour...

Unnecessary advice.

'For Best Results: Machine wash cold. Tumble dry low. Never iron design.

For Worst results: Drag through puddle behind car. Blow dry on roof rack."

I mean, they're not wrong!

The first rule of Fight Club is...

As I'm sure most people are aware, the first rule of Fight Club is 'you don't talk about Fight Club', but what about other clubs? What are their first rules?

Cat: "What's the first rule of Tortoise Club?"
Tortoise: "The objects of the club are to promote humane behaviour
towards tortoises by promoting best practice for tortoise care."
Cat: "Sorry, it was just a joke that backfired.
I didn't realise there was an actual Tortoise Club."

Read on to find out...

1) Cat Club

The first rule of Cat Club is...

You don't meow about Cat Club.

2) Thesaurus Club

The first rule of Thesaurus Club is...

You don't talk, chat, discuss, converse speak, gossip, deliberate, or confer about Thesaurus Club.

Funny horse names: A true or false quiz

It's the Grand National this weekend, which for the benefit of any readers who aren't from England, is the biggest horse race in England. I'm not a great fan of horse racing, but I do appreciate the amusing names that some owners have given their horses.

"Ha, ha, ha! You're called what?"

So with that in mind this week's blog post is a horse themed true or false quiz. Take a look at the following amusing horse names and see if you can guess whether they're real horses, or whether they're just silly names which I've made up!

1) Windsorlot

You would expect a horse named Windsorlot to win a lot, but sadly Windsorlot has failed to win any of its last 15 races.¹ Perhaps it should be renamed Losesalot.

True or false?

Random thoughts (part 11)

This week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog features another selection of random thoughts on subjects as varied as birthdays, synchronised swimming, and the Mona Lisa.

To start things off, here's some advice on how to end a phone call with someone you don't like...

"I'm sorry, it must be a bad line."

1) Devious discontinuations

The best way to hang up on someone is to hang up halfway through your own sentence. That way they won't realise you deliberately hung up on them, and they'll think it was just a fault with the line.

2) Coordinated casualities

If a synchronized swimmer drowns, do their team-mates have to drown too?

Prank ideas for April Fools Day

It's April Fools Day in a few days' time, so if you're looking for inspiration for pranks, here are a few ideas...

1) Hot stuff!

Anyone want to try an Egyptian strawberry?

"Try one. They're great!"

Murray Walker quotes (part 3)

A new formula 1 season starts this weekend as the teams and drivers head to Bahrain for the opening Grand Prix of the year. So to celebrate, this week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog rounds up a few more memorable quotes from legendary formula 1 commentator Murray Walker...

A formula 1 car, pictured decades ago.

1) "And there's a dry line appearing in the tunnel. Obvious really as it has a roof."



2) "And the first five places are filled by five different cars."



3) "That's the first time he had started from the front row in a Grand Prix, having done so in Canada earlier this year."

Paradoxes

This week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog takes a light-hearted look at paradoxes, starting with Swiss cheese...

Swiss cheese.

1) The Swiss Cheese Paradox

Swiss cheese has lots of holes, so the more cheese you have, the more holes you have. However, the more holes you have, the less cheese you have.

So the more cheese you have, the less cheese you have!

2) The Arms Paradox

"If I was faced with a choice between having my arms removed and getting cystitis, I'd wave goodbye to my arms quite happily."
...Louise Wener

I think you might find that a bit hard, Louise.

Quirks of the English language (part 3)

I would imagine that English must be quite a tricky language to learn for foreign speakers, due to its many quirks and peculiarities. Here are a few more of those quirks...

A bomb about to go boom.

1) If tomb is pronounced 'toom', and womb is pronounced 'woom', then shouldn't bomb be pronounced 'boom'?



2) If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?



3) What is the only word in the English language that you can make shorter by adding two letters?
Short.

Cool website quizzes and tests

Several years ago, I wrote about the annoying quizzes which would pop up at the time in your facebook feed. The type which would tell you which Game Of Thrones character your friend was most like, which actor would play them in a movie of their life, or which industrial universal joint they were most like.

However, not all quizzes on the internet are annoying, and some of them can in fact be quite interesting. So this week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog takes a look at a variety of quizzes, tests, and other data themed websites found on the web.

1) The 100 most common English words

Here are three clues, and also a red herring.
Can you guess which is which?

This is an interesting quiz where you have to guess the 100 most commonly used words in the English language. It starts off really easy as you go through most of the obvious common words, but as the clock ticks down it gradually gets more tricky as you try to think of the remaning words.

I guessed 72 of the 100 most common English words, but then at the end when it shows you the full list my reaction was, "How did I not get those!?" There aren't really any surprises in the list, but I suspect most people will probably miss quite a few really obvious words.

You can take the test at the link below:

The Idiot Awards (part 4)

The world is full of idiots, seemingly more so than ever nowadays, and here at the Charles Fudgemuffin blog we like to recognise those idiots for their outstanding acts of idiocy. With that in mind, here are five more examples that are thoroughly deserving of an Idiot Award.

1) Ill-advised architect

The first Idiot Award goes to the architect* who designed this bizarre building:

* Or team of architects.

It's a typically weird and flamboyant building that modern building designers seem quite keen on nowadays. However, imagine the following scenario...

How many days before vampires take over the world?

A vampire conundrum.

My latest book, Fly-Tipping, was published this week, so to promote it, this week's blog post is inspired by a question posed by one of the minor characters from the book:

"If a vampire drank the blood of one human per night, and every human he drank the blood of turned into a vampire who then subsequently also drank the blood of one human per night, how many days would it be before every person in the world was a vampire?”

Before I answer the question, here's a poll to see how many people get it right. Obviously I can't list every possible answer*, so instead I've grouped the answers into various ranges to make things a little easier.

* Well I suppose I could, but it would be a very long poll!

10 fart facts

February 5th is National Fart Day! So to, er ... celebrate*, this week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog features ten fart facts! Of course, the Charles Fudgemuffin blog would never stoop to childish humor, so all the folowing fart facts are reported purely for educational purposes. ** shifty eyes **

Uranus, pictured with the other planets of the
Solar System, and also a satellite and a space shuttle.

Note: For the benefit of stupid people, this illustration is not to scale.

* Although perhaps that's the wrong word.

1) Ironically, Uranus smells like farts due to hydrogen sulfide in its atmosphere.




2) In the Malayalam language spoken in south west India, there are two words for farts. One word for when the fart makes a noise and one word for a silent fart.

A trick crossword for National Puzzle Day

Today is National Puzzle Day*, so to celebrate, this week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog features a crossword puzzle.

* Only if you're reading this on January 29th. If you're reading this on any other day then it's not National Puzzle Day today. It was National Puzzle Day when I published this, though. That's what I meant. Apologies for any confusion.

This isn't any normal crossword puzzle, though. To make things a little more tricky, some of the answers are a little bit devious...

Across:

1) A fruity mixed drink served at parties in a large bowl.
2) Classic puppet and partner to Judy.
3) Used to cut circular holes (usually two) in paper.
4) To strike someone with your fist.
5) Part of the historical name for the breed of horse now more commonly known as the Suffolk Horse. (The Suffolk _ _ _ _ _ )

Light-hearted laws, theories, principles and effects

Throughout history many scientists have proposed numerous scientific laws, theories and principles, such as the theory of relativity, and the law of gravity to name but two.

This week's blog post isn't about laws of the land.
Neither is it about scientific laws.
This week's blog post is about silly laws!
Some of which nevertheless have a grain of truth to them.

However, there have also been many occasions when people have proposed more light-hearted theories. This week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog takes a look at some of those more jokey theories, laws, effects, and principles.

1) Cunningham's Law

"The best way to get the right answer on the internet is not to ask a question. It's to post the wrong answer."

If you want to prove this, test it for yourself. Post an incorrect statement, then post a question, and see which gets the most replies.