Funny things kids say (part 8)

One of my favourite themes to feature on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog is my occasional series of blog posts entitled 'Funny things kids say' featuring amusing quotes and nuggets of wisdom from kids.

As I've mentioned before, one of my favourite pieces of advice is 'Do more or what makes you happy', so in keeping with my own advice, what better way to end the year than with another collection of funny things kids say taken as usual from the internet and real life...

Editor: "Charles, it's not that type of kid."
Charles: "Oh, that's a relief. Otherwise it would have
just been 10 quotes going, "Bleat! Bleat! Bleat!

1) The voice of experience

To start things off, here are some wise words which I suspect come from the voice of experience...

"When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair."

2) Loophole

Here's a conversation from reddit featuring a kid who is an expert at finding loopholes...

Christmas 'higher or lower' quiz (part 2)

One of my previous blog posts which is quite popular (even during the summer, bizarrely) is my Christmas 'higher or lower' quiz. So to cater to market forces, here's another Christmas themed quiz featuring another batch of 'higher or lower' conundrums...

"Should my hat be higher or lower?"

1) Battle of the sexes

To start things off, here's a straight forward question. Who spends more on Christmas shopping; men or women?

A) Men
B) Women

Men or women?

10 Christmas jokes (part 4)

Christmas is only a few days away, so to celebrate here's another batch of Christmas and Santa themed jokes...

Santa, Blitzen and Rudolf.

1) I put Rudolf and Blitzen on eBay the other day, but no-one bid for them.
They were two deer.


2) Grandma: "What are you giving Mom and Dad for Christmas?"
Young kid: "A list of everything I want!"


3) How did Mary and Joseph figure out baby Jesus was exactly 7lb 9oz?
They had a weigh in a manger

'Yes, Prime Minister' quotes

Next week the UK goes to the polls to vote in another general election. Politics seems to be an increasingly emotional subject nowadays, so to help any particularly heated voters chill out and relax, this week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog features a collection of humorous quotes from one of the favourite TV programmes from my youth, the classic political sitcom, 'Yes, Minister,' and its imaginitively titled sequel, 'Yes, Prime Minister'.

Downing Street. The home of both the real Prime Minister,
and Jim Hacker, the fictitious Prime Minister from
the political sitcom, 'Yes, Prime Minister'.

For those who aren't familiar with Yes, Prime Minister, the main characters were the Prime Minister, Jim Hacker, and the head civil servant Sir Humphrey Appleby who tried to prevent the Prime Minister from actually doing anything! Sir Humphrey basically believed that democracy couldn't be trusted to the general public or the politicians the public voted for!

To clarify, Yes, Prime Minister was a fictional sitcom, but a lot of the storylines and quotes were very close to the truth...

1) Jim Hacker: "So, we're going to tell them the truth?"
Sir Humphrey Appleby: "The truth, and nothing but the truth."
Jim Hacker: "The whole truth?"
Sir Humphrey Appleby: "Of course not!"

I'm not going to mention Peanuts, Gold And Happiness...

My latest short story
'Peanuts, Gold And Happiness'
which I'm not going to mention
at all this week.

My latest short story, 'Peanuts, Gold And Happiness' was recently released, and usually on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog, whenever I release a new short story or new book, I traditionally feature a blog post promoting the short story or book.

However, I've decided that it's kind of egotistical to use my blog just to advertise my short stories, so instead I've decided for once that this week I'm not going to promote my latest short story. In fact I'm not going to mention it at all.

Instead this week I've decided to feature a selection of totally random clips, memes and puzzles...

1) Giraffe or dolphin

Readers may remember the 'laurel or yanny' audio clip which went viral a couple of years ago. It was a rather weird audio trick whereby two people could listen to the same audio clip, and one person would hear the word 'laurel' while the other would hear the word 'yanny'.

Giraffe or dolphin?
You(r ears) decide!

Here's a similar audio trick with the words giraffe and dolphin. The voice narrator is actually saying 'giraffe', but a few seconds of introductory ambient noises have been added to the audio to trick the human mind into hearing the word 'dolphin' when the narrator's audio begins.

It only works on people with sharp mental reflexes, so if you hear the word 'dolphin' you're quite possibly a genius! Whereas if you hear the word 'giraffe', your brain is too slow to be deceived by clever audio engineering!

Anyway, have a listen to the clip and see what you hear...

Cakes gone wrong

It's National Cake Day in a few days' time, so to celebrate this week's blog post is on the theme of cakes. And when you're buying a cake for someone, perhaps for their birthday or some other special occasion, what could be better than getting a personalised message written on the top of the cake!

Well, as the following examples demonstrate, if you do decide to buy a personalised cake, make sure you give the bakery very precise instructions for the message, otherwise you could end up with a cake gone wrong like some of the following examples...

1) Blind girl blond girl

This first cake was ordered by a Scottish lady who asked for a birthday cake with 'a wee blond girl on top'. Unfortunately, autocorrect changed 'blond' to 'blind'...

This was the original tweet:

"My mum ordered a cake for my sister's birthday and asked for a blond girl on top but it autocorrected to blind girl and we got this."

10 happy birthday messages

An elephant Fudgemuffin never sometimes forgets...

From time to time you hear of husbands or wives, or boyfriends or girlfriends forgetting their partner's birthdays*, and their partners getting understandably annoyed. However, you generally don't hear of people forgetting their own birthdays ... but that's what I did last year on my own birthday!

* Although admittedly, it's probably mostly the husbands and boyfriends doing the forgetting.

I got up and went to work as normal, as if it was a normal day, and went into the staff canteen for a few minutes before I was due to start work. By coincidence, the office where I work was officially one year old that day, so there were 'Happy Birthday' signs up everywhere to celebrate the building being one year old. So I was sat there looking at all the 'Happy Birthday' signs when I suddenly remembered, "Ee, it's my birthday today!"

Random thoughts (part 8)

It's been a few month since my last batch of random thoughts, so that can only mean one thing. It's time for another collection of yet more random thoughts...

Happy birthday to Tu Youyou!

1) Happy birthday to Tu Youyou!

The winner of the 2015 Nobel prize for physiology or medicine was Chinese chemist Tu Youyou.

Rather impressively, Tu Youyou discovered new antibiotics which are used to treat malaria. But even more impressive is the fact that Tu Youyou has the world's most confusing name to sing happy birthday to!

Tu Youyou's friends: "Happy birthday to you!"
Tu Youyou: "No, it's Tu Youyou."

10 weird websites (part 2)

I often like to recycle ideas on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog, and this week is no exception! This week's blog post is based on a theme that I've featured before ... weird websites.

So without further ado, here's another batch of 10 weird websites...

1) Windows 93

Windows 93

If you're in a technology shop and you want to play a sneaky trick, then go to the website below on one of the display PCs, and it will appear as if the computer is running Windows 93! It's so authentic that you even get the old Windows start up jingle!

As an added bonus if you click on the icons each icon brings up a weird 'app'. I highly recommend playing a few games of 'BrianSweeper' and seeing how well you do. I completed it on expert on my first go! #NotReally

www.windows93.net

True or false: Old fashioned insults

October 28th is National Insult Day, so on that theme this week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog takes a look at old fashioned insults.

Some of the following terms are old fashioned insults which were used in the olden days, but to keep you on your toes I've also included a few made up insults. Some fake insults may be fairly obvious, but others may be a little trickier to spot.

Take a look at the following insults and see if you can guess which of the following used to be real insults in the olden days, and which are made up...

Look at that total cabbage head!

1) Cabbage head

An easy one to start things off. As you can probably guess, a cabbage head is someone who is incredibly stupid, or seriously lacking in intellect.

Real insult or fake insult?

2) Lubberwort

Sticking with the theme of vegetables, a lubberwort is quite a bizarre insult as a lubberwort is 'someone who has eaten a mythical vegetable which makes them extremely stupid.' In reality of course, eating vegetables doesn't make you stupid - unless you eat Brussels sprouts, which taste horrible and therefore you would have to be stupid to eat them.

Real insult or fake insult?

How many ... does it take to change a light bulb? (part 2)

"How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?"

From time to time on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog, if a blog post is about an important enough subject, I like to cover it more than once. And what could be more important than National Light Bulb Day!

For those who didn't realise, as ridiculous as it sounds, yesterday was National Light Bulb Day, so in honour of light bulbs everywhere, here's another round-up of light bulb jokes...


1) How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
One ... but the light bulb has to want to change.


2) How many clickbait headline writers does it take to change a light bulb?
14. Number 7 will shock you!

Isn't it ironic?

Believe it or not, October 12th is National Irony Day, so in honour of this 'special day' this week's blog post has an ironic theme to it...

The Flat Earth Society, with its
headquarters in London, UK Langley, Virginia...

1) When you set the bar low in limbo, you set the bar high.
When you set the bar high in limbo, you set the bar low.


2) The Flat Earth Society have members all over the globe!


3) In 2014, a memorial tree dedicated to George Harrison from The Beatles died from an infestation of beetles.

Random superhero related thoughts (part 2)

As I'm sure all superhero fans will be aware, this week saw the release of the controversial new Joker movie from DC Comics. Although technically the Joker is a villain, not a hero obviously, I nevertheless thought this would be an appropriate time to round up another collection of random superhero themed thoughts...

"Don't make me hungry. You wouldn't like me when I'm hungry."
#Hangry

1) A flawed disguise

Superman wears glasses to disguise his identity, so does his optician know his true identity?

2) More than he can stomach

If the Hulk ate as much as he could until he was absolutely full, then he turned back into Bruce Banner, would his stomach explode?

Funny courtroom quotes (part 1)

Let's start this week's blog post with a lawyer joke...

"A lawyer, and an honest man."
The importance of the Oxford comma.

Young girl: "Mummy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
Mother: "No, dear. Why do you ask?"
Young girl: "Because that gravestone says, 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

While I'm sure there must be some honest lawyers out there somewhere, if the following funny courtroom quotes are anything to go by, there are nevertheless also quite a few foolish lawyers. Not to mention quite a few foolish witnesses too.

All of the following quotes are taken from official court records...

1) I will survive

Lawyer: "Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"
Witness: "The victim lived."

Well fancy that! There were no dead survivors!

Top tips (part 3)

Here are a few more silly top tips covering such random subjects as burglars, butter, and Piccadilly Circus.

Legal Disclaimer: Charles Fudgemuffin
does not actually support doing this.

Most of these top tips aren't meant to be taken seriously, but in a couple of cases, I could see them actually working!

1) Makers of Anchor Spreadable Butter. Save time and ink by simply calling it 'Anchor Butter'.


2) If you want to cheat on a 'before and after' weight loss image, just eat loads, get fatter, switch the photos, then wait for all the congratulatory messages!


3) Bought an expensive new TV? Put the empty box next to your neighbour's bin, so burglars target their house not yours.

Lost in translation: Chinese movie titles

In China, many Hollywood movies are given names which translate somewhat differently from the original title.

Here are a few examples which I found quite amusing...

"One Night, Big Belly"

1) Knocked Up

Rather amusingly, when Knocked Up was released in China it was known as 'One Night, Big Belly'.

I suppose that technically it's true!

Knocked Up > One Night, Big Belly

Controversial questions (part 3)

Once again on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog it's time to risk putting civility, politeness and good manners aside as we take look at another selection of controversial questions featuring emotionally polarising subjects such as pizza toppings, modern art, and bacon sandwiches.

"Hey, man! I'm, like, way too cool for pizza!"

To start things off, here's a subject that I didn't even realise was controversial until a few months ago...

1) Is pineapple an acceptable pizza topping?

Pineapple is one of my favourite pizza toppings, so not only do I find it acceptable, but I find it an extremely excellent idea! However, I recently discovered that some people find the idea of putting pineapple on your pizza controversial.

In fact my cousin finds the idea of pineapple on a pizza to be totally bizarre and completely unacceptable. And apparently in some parts of Italy, putting pineapple on a pizza in a criminal offence. #NotReally

But which side of the debate do you agree with?

Is pineapple an acceptable pizza topping or not?

When tweets go wrong...

Social media can be used by celebrities and corporations to help promote their brand. However, as many celebrities and corporations have learned the hard way, social media can also be a poisoned chalice.

Here are a few examples where celebrities and brands found that tweets can sometimes backfire...

1) Even edgier than the real thing

The Edge tweeted a photo of himself in front of the Eiffel Tower and asked U2's twitter followers, "Guess where I am?"

The Edge.
He didn't go to the top as he gets Vertigo.

As you can imagine, the replies probably weren't what The Edge was anticipating...

Random time travel thoughts

My latest time travel themed short story, 'Ranieri and the Eight Planets', is released today, so this week's blog post has a time travel theme to it.

Some of the following time travel thoughts get quite complicated, so I recommend reading the following with a clear head.

What effect would time travel have on eyesight?

1) If you could freeze time for everyone and everything but yourself, how would you see anything? If all the photons of light were frozen in place, no light would hit your eye except if you moved.

Since the photons would be frozen, would you have to walk around just to see, using your eyes like scoops to collect the visions fixed in the air in front of you?


2) Once time travel is invented, will it have always existed?


3) In 2016, Leicester City won the English Premier League at odds of 5,000-1. No one placed a bet of more than £25 which probably suggests that the secret of time travel will never be discovered, because if it was, surely someone would go back in time and take advantage of such generous odds?

Wise and silly African proverbs

From time to time on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog I like to feature cool sayings from around the world, so on that theme, this week's blog post features a collection of African proverbs.

Some of the following African proverbs are very wise and meaningful, while others aren't quite so wise, and are just a bit silly. But which are silly, and which are wise? I'll let you decide...

Editor's note: For the benefit of stupid people, this is
not the actual sun. Merely an artistic representation.

1) "The same sun that melts the wax, also hardens the clay."

This is a clever way of saying that people react differently to similar circumstances. One person might use a difficult challenge to spur them on and achieve greatness. Another person might react to the same challenge negatively and use it as an excuse for failure.

I really like this African proverb and can imagine it being used in motivational talks, so you can probably guess which category I would place this proverb into. But what do you think?

Silly or wise?

Funny football quotes (part 11)

Another season of the Premier League starts this weekend, so as has become traditional on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog, it's time once again to mark the occasion with another round-up of funny football quotes...

Even this cuddly bear knows that the FA Cup Final
is like a final for all football clubs ... not just Wigan!

1) “For Wigan, this game is like a cup final for them.”
…Ian Wright describing the 2013 FA Cup Final.


2) “It's now 1-1. An exact reversal of the score on Saturday.”
…Radio Commentator


3) “As with every young player these days, Ronaldo is 18.”
…Alex Ferguson

Really, Alex? Every young player is 18? Hmm... I'm no expert on the matter, but I'm pretty sure that's not true, Alex!

Faces in things (Celebrity edition!)

It's time for another pareidolia* themed blog post as I feature another collection of photos featuring faces in things. However, this time all of the photos feature a celebrity twist!

To turn things into a bit of a quiz, I've withheld the names of each celebrity, so see if you can recognise the celebrity featured in each photo. To start things off, I pity the fool who can't recognise the celebrity in this first photo...

* As regular readers of the Charles Fudgemuffin may remember, pareidolia is the phenomenon of seeing faces (or other items) in everyday objects and patterns.

1) This first photo features a celebrity who is definitely not getting on a plane...

"I ain't getting on no plane!"

Surprising statistics (part 2)

I've featured surprising statistics before on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog, so it should come as no surprise that this week I round-up another batch of surprising statistics!*

* For clarification, the statistics themselves may be surprising, but my inclusion of those statistics in this week's blog post shouldn't come as a surprise.

"Have you farted?"
"No, it's just the obnoxious spray from my scent glands."

To start things off, here's a surprising statistic about farts!

1) Parp!

Every second, over a million people in the world fart!

The average person farts 14 times per day, and there are approximately 7.7 billion people in the world.*

* At the time of writing.

There are 86,400 seconds in a day, so if we assume that a typical fart lasts for 1 second or less, than an average person will fart during 14 of these 86,400 seconds.

So the number of people who fart each second is:

14 farts / 86,400 seconds x 7,700,000,000 people = 1,247,685 farts every second!

Funny supermarket photos (part 2)

This week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog pays another visit to the supermarket as we take a look at various supermarket signs and labels...

1) False advertising?

I don't know what type of maths the makers of this fruit juice used, but it's certainly different from the type of maths I learned when I was at school.

Dubious claims from this fruit juice maker.

"100% juice" ... contains 27% juice. Huh!?

“Craig Bellamy has literally been on fire!”

This week I revisit one of my favourite subjects as I round-up another batch of amusing quotes from sports stars, politicians and celebrities who have used the word 'literally' incorrectly. So if you're one of those people who literally gets on your high horse whenever people misuse the word literally, look away now.

For reasons of decency, I decided to base this photo
on the second quote, rather than the first quote.

For added effect, I literally like to imagine an image of each quote as I read it...

1) “The Liverpool defence have literally been caught with their trousers down.”
…Andy Townsend


2) “He’s literally sold the defender a dummy.”
...Jamie Redknapp


3) "Why should any of us literally take food out of the mouths of children?"
...Sen. Barbara Boxer

Funny Amazon reviews (part 2)

It's a few years since I last featured funny Amazon reviews on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog, so here are a few more silly reviews found on Amazon...

1) Senior woman with asthma inhaler

First up, here's a review of a highly desirable top quality product which surely everybody will want to own...

"Hmm what should we put on the wall?"

"My husband and I have been arguing about what to fill the large wall on the stairs with for months, he wanted a mirror, I wanted a large image of an old woman using an inhaler.

Of course I won."

A mirror!? Her husband sounds like a right weirdo! What kind of freak would put a mirror on a wall!?

Wikipedia vandalism (part 2)

When it's not being used by partisan people to rewrite their own political/historical/sporting viewpoint, wikipedia can be a useful tool. However, it is susceptible to vandalism.

Real life vandalism is illegal.
But wikipedia vandalism is just a bit of a laugh!

I've previously featured a few of these examples of wikipedia vandalism on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog, and as I like to 'recycle' ideas, it's time for a few more!

This week's blog post features more examples of wikipedia vandalism in a blog post I've creatively decided to call 'Wikipedia vandalism (part 2)'...

1) Scrappy Doo has a dark side

When I was young I can remember when Scrappy Doo was introduced to the Scooby Doo cartoons, and I didn't really like him very much.

However, I like him even less, now that I've discovered that apparently he's a convicted war criminal!

Scrappy Doo: "Convicted war criminal."

I have to admit, I can't remember watching that episode when I was a kid. #Censorship

Wikipedia: Scrappy Doo

Funny holiday complaints (part 3)

Summertime is here again! While most people enjoy the summer and enjoy their holidays, some people just like to complain about anything and everything. So on that theme, here's another round-up of complaints from 'unlucky' holiday makers...

These stones are happy to be on holiday,
but some people do nothing but complain.

1) "Why did Thomson let us book the holiday if it was going to rain all week!?"

...Yeah, come on, Thomson! Why didn't you look into the future and predict the weather!



2) “We went to a Mexican restaurant in Rome and the waiter was Italian. You said Italy was the best place for an authentic food experience.”



3) "The sheets were too white."

...I know exactly how you feel! Nothing ruins a holiday quite like turning up at the hotel only to discover that the sheets are too white.

10 music jokes for National Music Day (part 2)

This coming Friday (June 21st) is National Music Day, so with that in mind here's another round-up of musically themed jokes...

"Hand eeeeeeeyyyyeeeeeeeee!!!!"

1) What's Whitney Houston's favourite type of coordination?
Hand eeeeyyyyyyyyeeeee!!!!


2) My mate wants me to make his hair look like Bob Marley's tonight. I'm dreading it.


3) A man walks into a bar owned by Eminem and asks for two shots.
The barman replies, "You only get one shot..."


4) Where does Justin Timberlake go swimming when he's in the Ukraine Russia?
The Crimea River.

Funny things kids say (part 7)

Kids say the funniest things - often unintentionally - so with that in mind it's time for another collection of funny things kids say. As usual the following quotes are taken from facebook, twitter and real life...

"How did I get in here?"

1) Smart kid

Parents should always encourage their children, but here's an example where that encouragement didn't go exactly to plan...

Parent: "If you put your mind to it, you can achieve anything you want to."
6 year old: *thinks for a minute* "Well I couldn’t get inside a milk bottle!"
Parent: "Okay. Everything but that."

He's got a point!

How to be a rebel!

This week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog features a few rebels standing up and refusing to be told what to do by the establishment machine...

1) Do not use blade to open.

To start things off, here's a rebel living dangerously when opening a box...

Be careful with that 'Blade'!

Not the 'blade' they were expecting.

Cool sayings from around the world (part 3)

From time to time on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog I like to take a look at languages and sayings from around the world, and this week once again it's one of those times as I round-up another five cool sayings from around the world in a blog post I've creatively entitled 'Cool sayings from around the world (part 3).

"Walk according to the length of your step."
But preferably, wear better fashion than this dude while doing so.

1) "Eat according to the limits of your provisions. Walk according to the length of your step."

When I think of Tibet I think of wise old monks, and this wise saying from Tibet reinforces that image. I suppose when you analyse it though, it's really just a fancy version of the English expression, 'Live within your means.'

The concept of debt and loans is something I've never seen the attraction of, so whichever version of the saying you use, I would definitely agree with this piece of excellent advice.

10 funny quiz show answers (part 7)

Seven fingers? Ha!
Everyone knows that fingers come in threes.

It's been a while since my last round-up of silly quiz show answers, so that must mean it's time for another batch of answers from foolish quiz show contestants who opened their mouths before they put their brains into gear...

1) "What day is Christmas traditionally celebrated in the UK?"
"Wednesday."


2) "Name something which comes in sevens."
"Fingers."


3) "Dundonians are natives of which Scottish city?"
"Cardiff."


4) "Which of the four seasons comes last alphabetically?"
"Autumn."

Funny football quotes (part 10)

Another season of the Premier League draws to a close tomorrow, so to celebrate here's another batch of funny football quotes from managers, ex-players and pundits...

"It's a funny old game."

1) "The new West Stand casts a giant shadow over the entire pitch ... even on a sunny day!"
...Chris Jones


2) “There’s only one place you want to be and that’s Wembley, Old Trafford or Anfield.”
…Mick Channon


3) “Glenn Hoddle hasn't been the Hoddle we know. Neither has Bryan Robson.”
…Ron Greenwood

Cool Star Wars Websites

As all Star Wars fans are aware, May 4th is officially Star Wars Day, or May The Fourth Be With You Day, as some people call it. So before we go any further, happy Star Wars Day!

In honour of Star Wars Day, here's a round-up of various cool, and in some cases weird, Star Wars websites...

Darth Fudgemuffin

1) Star Wars Avatar

The Star Wars Avatar website lets you create your own Star Wars avatar to use as your profile photo on facebook, twitter or other social media sites.

You can choose from various species such as human, Twi-lek or Rodian (Greedo's species), and then customize your avatar with various weapons, clothes and backgrounds.

To the right, you can see my own avatar based on Darth Maul which I've named Darth Fudgemuffin.

starwarsavatar.com

Superhero jokes

Most people probably don't know this, because there hasn't been much about it in the media, but the latest Marvel movie, 'Avengers: Endgame', was released this week. #Sarcasm

So this week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog follows the superhero theme, and features a selection of superhero themed jokes...

Iron Man and the Silver Surfer are alloys.

1) If the Silver Surfer and Iron Man teamed up, they'd be alloys.


2) Batman and Robin are about to go out to fight crime one night, but unfortunately the Batmobile won't start. Batman says, "Robin, check the battery." Robin replies, "What's a tery?"


3) In the movies, heroes always save the world just in the nick of time. If I was a villain, all my timers would activate when they reached 5, not 0.

15 Alan Partridge quotes

The latest Alan Partridge series, 'This Time', sadly recently came to an end, so in honour of Norfolk's top entertainer, this week's blog post features a selection of Alan Partridge quotes...

I'm afraid that for copyright reasons, I don't have a photo of
Alan Partridge. So instead, here's a photo of a partridge bird!

1) Discussing Adam and Eve...

"I think I’d be more preoccupied by the fact I was encountering a talking snake. I think whether I wanted an apple or not would be a side issue."



2) "Let me tell you something about the Titanic. People forget that on the Titanic’s maiden voyage there were over 1,000 miles of uneventful, very pleasurable cruising before it hit the iceberg."



3) "As a parent, I didn't even hit my own kids. My wife hit them - ex-wife - but I didn't, and now she's their favourite! Riddle me that one!"

Cats and dogs (part 2)

A full day in honour of me! Wow!

This week saw the celebration of National Pet Day on April 11th, so in honor of our pets, here are a few more observations about cats and dogs.

1) If your house was on fire your dog would bark to wake you up to let you know of the danger. Your cat would quietly sneak out of the house.


2) Cats probably wonder why bottles of fizzy drinks are so angry whenever they're opened.


3) If you're over 30, you're older than every single cat and dog in the world.

April Fools Day pranks (2019 edition)

Last week saw another April Fools Day come and go, so as has become something of a tradition on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog, this week's blog post features a round-up of various April Fools Day pranks from various companies, people and organisations.

However, to test your powers at detecting prankery, one of the following 'pranks' is actually real and not a prank at all! It should be fairy obvious, but if you can't work it out, the answer is revealed at the bottom of today's blog post...

1) McDonalds Pickle Burger

I'm Gherkin It

Personally, I find the gherkins in Big Macs absolutely disgusting, but apparently there are some people who love them, so they must have been really excited when McDonalds Australia posted the following announcement on their instagram page:

"Pickle lovers, it’s the news you’ve all been waiting for. We’re super stoked* to announce the launch of our brand new McPickle Burger. It’s time to tuck into juicy, flavoursome pickles layered between melted cheese, ketchup sauce and toasted sesame seed buns. It’s sure to be a treat for all your senses."

* 'Stoked' is an Australian word for excited.

The announcement was accompanied by an image of a Big Mac style burger filled with gherkins instead of burgers!

However, gherkin lovers hopes were dashed when they discovered that sadly for them, it was an April McFool!

The Idiot Awards! (part 2)

A few months ago, the Charles Fudgemuffin blog recognised excellence in the field of idiocy with the Idiots Awards. However, there are many more idiots worthy of recognition, so here's another batch of 'winners'...

1) Choose your age

In perhaps the craziest news story of the decade, a 69 year old wanted to legally change his age to 49 because he identifies as a 49 year old.

Seriously, the world has gone mad. If we can now choose what we want to identify as, then I would like to identify as a millionaire, so presumably my bank will now let me withdraw loads of money from my account?

Thankfully, common sense prevailed and he lost his case, but the fact that this was even a thing is a sad reflection on the level of lunacy in the world nowadays.

Stupid questions (part 4)

This week's collection of stupid questions has a library theme to it...

This week it's time for one of my favourite themes as the Charles Fudgemuffin blog once again takes a look at a selection of stupid questions.

As with part 3, all of the following questions were asked at the library...

1) Written by ... ?

A general question which one librarian got asked a lot was...

"I'm looking for the autobiography of ______, but I'm not sure who wrote it."

Hmm, now who would an autobiography be written by?

Modern Japanese words

If you've ever considered learning Japanese then you may be surprised to discover that many Japanese 'import' words sound very similar to their English equivalents.

Orenji ju-su!
(Orange juice.)

To give you an example, a mate of mine once heard that the Japanese word for orange juice was 'orenji ju-su', and at first he thought it was just a joke.

However, in actual fact you'll find that many Japanese words sound very similar to their English equivalents. This isn't the technical explanation, but to give a light-hearted explanation, you basically add a Japanese accent and that's pretty much it.

I've collected a few of my favourites below, and if you're naturally distrusting then you may think I've made some of these up, but I promise you these are all actual real Japanese words...

How to write good.

Previously on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog I've written about how to write a helpful review and also how not to write a helpful review.

A bad workman blames his tools.

This week's blog post is also on the theme of writing, but in a more general sense, as a selection of tips are offered for any budding authors on 'how to write good'...

1) Always proofread your work to ensure you don't any words out.

2) Never overuse exclamation marks!!!!!

3) Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

4) Be careful not to make speling misteaks.

Random thoughts (part 7)

It's time for another collection of random thoughts about random subjects such as breathing, early birds, and advertising...

This dog obviously has its sense of self-importance just right.

1) Laughter is the cure

If you lose one sense, your other senses become enhanced. That's why people with no sense of humour have an increased sense of self-importance.

2) Road rage

When two people are walking and almost bump into each other, they both apologise and immediately take all the blame. When two people are driving and almost bump into each other, they both immediately get angry out and totally blame the other person.

Top tips (part 2)

Here's another batch of light-hearted top tips covering a variety of subjects such as coconuts, teenagers and wigs...

"Wow, he won a coconut!
He must be really good at throwing things!"

1) Impressionists. Perfect your Hugh Grant impression by counting up to three in Roman numerals.


2) Convince people you're good at throwing things by walking around a fairground holding a coconut.


3) Parents. Prepare your children for Game of Thrones by ending every Mr Men book with 'and then he dies'.

10 weird websites

Previously on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog I've featured all manner of weirdness, including, to name but a few, weird national days, weird google searches, and weird facebook likes. This week the weirdness continues with another weird round-up as I take a look at ten weird websites...

1) Infinite zoom

The image just keeps zooming in and zooming in forever.

If you're into art then you might find this first website absolutely amazing. I'm not really that interested in art, and I still found it amazing!

It starts with an unusual image, which starts to zoom in. After a few seconds you begin to realise that it's zooming in further than you thought, and then before long you realise that it's apparently zooming in forever!

zoomquilt.org

Ten cheesy chat-up lines for Valentine's Day.

Digital love.

Here's a bonus chat-up line to start things off...

The TV show 'Humans' is set in an alternate future where we share the world with robots or 'synths'.  One of the characters is attracted to her synth, and she asks it to pay her a compliment.  Her robot turns on the charm and replies:

"Your body mass index is well within the recommended range for someone of your age, weight and height."

What a charmer!

Anyway, for any non-robots reading this, here are ten chat-up lines specific to specific types of people...


1) Rich person's chat-up line ...

"Gosh, your lipstick is the same colour as my Ferrari!"



2) Liar's chat-up line...

"Gosh, your lipstick is the same colour as my Ferrari!"

Funny things kids say (part 6)

Once again it's time on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog for another collection of funny things that kids say. The following quotes come from facebook, twitter, and real life...

"Amusing contrivances urchins sayeth (part 6)."

1) Diplomacy skills (part 1)

This was posted by a facebook friend:

Katie: "Mam, did you come from the Tudor times?"
Me: "I know I have grey hair, but how old do think I am!?" 😡😂

As a reminder, the Tudor period was from 1485 to 1603!

2) Kid geography

Here's one involving a class full of Marvel fans...

"My nephew has a new classmate from Zimbabwe and upon discovering that Zimbabwe is in Africa (these kids are 6), the first thing everyone asked him is if he'd been to Wakanda. His reply, "No, there are force fields around it."

And also because Wakanda isn't real. In fact mainly the not real part.