Funny things kids say (Christmas edition)

Kids say the funniest things at every time of year, but this week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog specifically takes a look at funny things kids say relating to Christmas, starting with an unusual Christmas list inclusion posted by one of my friends on facebook...

"Dear Santa, For Christmas please can I have..."

1) An unusual request

"We've been talking about what the kids want for Christmas and Thomas just said what he really wants from Santa is chest hairs! He's a one off."

I have to admit that when I was younger and I wrote out my Christmas list, chest hairs was never something I asked for.

2) All dolls great and small

I love the way this next conversation highlights the creative ways that kids will justify the need for more stuff...

Charles Fudgemuffin's Christmas letter to Santa

As Christmas time approaches, it's time to get writing our letters to Santa. Here's mine:

Charles Fudgemuffin's Christmas list.

"Dear Santa,

Before I list the presents I would like for Christmas, I thought I would first mention that I've been very good this year.

Well, okay then, I've been good for most of the year.
Well, I've been good some of the time.

Okay, I've been good every once in a while.

Fine. Forget it. I'll buy my own presents!

Yours sincerely,

Charles Fudgemuffin"

- - - - - - - - - -

Merry Christmas to all readers of the Charles Fudgemuffin blog!

Lost in translation: Foreign movie titles

Previously on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog, I've featured movies where the Chinese translated title got more than a little lost in translation. This week I spread the net slightly further afield as I take a look at weirdly translated movie titles from all around the world...

"You're going to need a bigger blog."

1) Jaws

As I'm sure everyone knows, Jaws was a blockbuster movie about a deadly shark that terrorised the fictional New England island of Amity Island. It was a great title, and arguably the perfect way to capture the scary essence of the movie.

However, the French movie title, while not quite as catchy, was nevertheless also very appropriate because in France Jaws was known as 'The Teeth Of The Sea'.

Jaws > The Teeth Of The Sea

Funny reviews

I recently reported on a disgruntled Indian woman who purchased my short story 'How To Poison Your Husband And Get Away With It' then left an amusing review warning other readers not to buy it, because it was a short story, and not an instruction manual on how to kill her husband as she had expected.

On that theme, this week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog features a round up of other amusing reviews which brought a chuckle to my face.

1) "Too sandy"

To start things off, here's one reviewer who apparently doesn't seem to understand how beaches work...

"Bah! This beach is full of sand!"

"It's a great beach, just too sandy."

Sand on a beach! What exactly did they expect from a beach?

10 jokes and memes about jobs

My ideal job would involve working for two hours per week, have 10 months holiday per year, and come with a seven figure salary. Sadly, my chances of being hired as a ******* ********** who takes ****** from ******* ************ seem unlikely, so instead I'll just have to settle for blogging!

"Hooray! It's time to go to work!"
A typical reaction from most people at the start of the work day.

This week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog features 10 job related jokes and memes...

1) I've just started work as a rubbish collector. I asked if I'll get any training, but they said I just pick it up as I go along.



2) It must be really weird getting fired if you're a security guard, because you'd have to escort yourself off the premises.



3) Whoever created this next sign either has a silly sense of humour, or they're not very good at basic arithmetic...

Silliest cryptocurrency names

If you ask someone to name a cryptocurrency, most people would probably say, "bitcoin." Bitcoin was the first cryptocurrency, and its name is perfectly logical. It's a digital currency made up of digital 'bits', so 'bitcoin' is the perfect name.

Bitcoin.
A very sensibly named cryptocurrency.

However, not all cryptocurrencies have such sensible names. Unlike myself, the very sensibly named Charles Fudgemuffin, many cryptocurrencies have rather silly and unusual names.

This week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog takes a look at some of the weirdest and silliest cryptocurrency names out there, but as I commonly like to do, to make things more interesting I've turned it into a 'true or false' quiz. Take a look at the following cryptocurrencies, and see if you can guess which are real cryptocurrencies, and which are silly fictitious inventions which I've made up.

1) Cryptomuffin

Cryptomuffin was created initially to be used primarily at bakeries in Sweden, but its popularity has since spread to Norway and a few towns in the west of Finland.

Real of fictitious?

Lottery themed memes and jokes

My latest book 'The Freedom Lottery' was released this week, so to promote it, this week's blog post features a selection of lottery themed jokes and memes.

However, I should first clarify that the plot of The Freedom Lottery has nothing to do with the regular lottery where you can win lots of money. The Freedom Lottery featured in the book of the same name, is a lottery whereby 'winning' prisoners can risk their lives for a shot at freedom by attempting to walk across the minefield which surrounds their prison without getting blown up.

Anyway, the book has 'lottery' in the title, so that's the promotional introduction over, and now let's get on with the lottery themed jokes and memes...

1) I just won $1,000,000 on the lottery and I'm donating a quarter to charity!
I'm not sure what I'm going to do with the other $999,999.75 though.



2) What's the easiest way to complete your family tree?
Post on social media that you won the lottery.

Random silliness

What the world needs now is more silliness! So with that in mind, this week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog takes a look at silly tweets, silly quotes, and random acts of silliness...

1) To start things off, here's a request from Lorraine for someone to fix this photo of her mum so that her eyes are open. Thankfully, a photoshop expert was able to help her out...

"Can someone fix this picture please of my mum. I'd like her eyes to be open. Her eyes are blue."

I'm sure you'll agree, only a very sharp eyed detective would ever be able to tell that it's been photoshopped!

How to be a rebel! (part 3)

Do not read the next sentence!

"Nobody tells me what to do, so I'll read what I want!"

Okay. You're a rebel. I like that. Now that we've established that you're a rebel, you may enjoy this week's blog post, as it features rebellious eaters, rebellious crows, and even rebellious headless people!

1) After Before Eight

To start things off, here's an example of insurrectionary confectionary.

After Eight Seven

Nobody tells me when I can eat!

Credit: reddit

True or false: Old fashioned insults (part 2)

It's National Insult Day in a few days' time*, so that means it's time for another insult themed true or false quiz! Take a look at the following insults, and see if you can guess whether they're genuine old fashioned insults from the olden days, or whether I've just made them up.

* October 28th, to be precise.

In the olden days, if someone was talking
flibbertigibbet, they were talking nonsense.
But is that true, or is it flibbertigibbet?

1) Flibbertigibbet

As I've mentioned in one of my previous posts, if someone is talking nonsense, then in China you might exclaim, "Dog fart!" to indicate that they're talking rubbish.

In the olden days, they didn't have any insults quite as amusing as "Dog fart!" but they did have the rather cool expression of 'flibbertygibbet'. To elaborate, in the olden days if you wanted to accuse someone of talking nonsense, you might say, "That's flibbertygibbet!"

Real insult or fake insult?

How many ... does it take to change a light bulb? (part 4)

As has become something of a tradition on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog, this week features another collection of light bulb jokes to celebrate National Light Bulb Day.

Wow! An entire blog post all about me!

1) How many jazz musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A one, a two, a one two three four!



2) How many Chelsea managers does it take to change a light bulb?
No-one knows. Chelsea managers rarely last longer than a light bulb.



3) One.
How many psychics does it take to change a light bulb?

My 500th blog post!

This week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog reaches a significant landmark ... it's my 500th blog post!

So as I often like to do, I thought I would feature a higher or lower quiz, and in keeping with this week's landmark, every question has a 500 theme to it.

"We're going to need a bigger tape measure."

1) World's fattest man

The average man weighs around 88.8 kilograms, but of course not everyone is average. Some people are skinny, and some people are, er ... 'plus sized'.

But what did the fattest man of all time weigh? Was it more than 500 kilograms, or less than 500 kilograms?

For the benefit of anyone who prefers pounds, 500 kilograms is equivalent to 1,102.3 pounds, so it's very heavy indeed!

Higher or lower?

Guess the haircut quiz!

Believe it or not, October 1st is offically National Haircut Day, so to celebrate this week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog features a haircut themed quiz! Featured below are six celebrities with distinctively famous hairstyles. All you have to do is guess who they are.

It sounds easy, but to make things a little trickier, I've removed their faces. Hopefully though, the haircuts should be distinctive enough to help you identify the celebrity. However, if you do get stuck, then it's a multiple choice quiz, so you can always guess.

1) Musicians

To start things off, here's a band who popularised a famous hairstyle back in the sixties. They should be fairly straight forward to identify for any older readers, and also for any younger readers who appreciate musical history.

"All you need is love ... a moptop."

A) The Beatles
B) Backstreet Boys
C) The Spice Girls
D) Metallica

Funny things parents say

I've often featured funny things that kids say on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog, but parents also say many things which make me chuckle. So here are a few examples...

"But I'd make a wonderful pet!"

1) "No, we can't get a dinosaur."

Credit: @Imaginarialist




2) "Kids really overestimate how much parents want to guess things."

Credit: @simoncholland




3) What you say: "Please stop making that noise."
What the kids hear: "Make a different noise that's more annoying."

Credit: @RodLacroix

"Oops, I've made a terrible error!" (part 3)

Throughout history there have been many examples of people making foolish predictions which ultimately proved to be completely false. Here are a few more such predictions...

"I ain't nothing but a hound dog! Woof!"

1) Truck driving singer

When Elvis was 16, rockabilly singer Eddie Bond told him, "Stick to driving a truck, because you'll never make it as a singer."

Elvis Presley went on to become the best selling solo artist of all time, with his estimated record sales totalling somewhere between a staggering 600 million and 1 billion. I think it's fair to say therefore that Eddie Bond was just a little bit off with his prediction regarding Elvis' musical career.

Separated at birth

This week the Charles Fudgemuffin takes a look at people, planets, mops, and other miscellaneous items that bear such a stunning similarity to each other that you can't help think that they were separated at birth...

1) Kevin Magnusson and a banana...

Former formula 1 driver Kevin Magnusson showed his sense of humour when he tweeted the following separated at birth photo...

I split my sides when I first saw this photo! Maybe he should be renamed Kevin Magnesium.*

10 riddles to celebrate National Riddle Day

Yesterday was National Riddle Day (September 3rd), so to belatedly celebrate*, this week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog features a collection of riddles. Some of the following riddles use traditional riddle type logic, but a few of them are a little bit silly.

Riddle me this, riddle me that.
Why is the bottom right question mark, red not black?

* Or alternatively, to prematurely celebrate The Batman villain the Riddler's 73rd birthday (which is next month in October).

1) Parachute riddle

A dead body is found in the middle of a field. There are no tracks leading to or from the body. Their backpack is full. How did they die?

Editor's note: "Charles, you've given the answer away with your title for the first riddle!"
Charles: "Oops, sorry! I'll try to be a bit more careful with the rest of the riddle titles."

10 funny quiz show answers (part 9)

As confirmed by my eight previous blog posts on the subject of funny quiz show answers, there are many occasions when quiz show contestants gave answers that were amusingly silly. This week I feature ten more silly answers, but first, here's some advice for the contestant who gave the first answer. Always listen carefully to the question.

Personally, I prefer to toast marshmallows,
rather than people, over a fire.

1) "Has London hosted the Olympic Games twice or three times?"
"Once."



2) "Name a way of toasting someone."
"Over a fire."

When tweets go wrong (part 3)

From time to time, the Charles Fudgemfuffin likes to take a look at occasions when ill-thought out tweets have back-fired. Here are a few more of those occasions...

1) CNN refer to women as 'individuals with a cervix'

Providing further proof that the world, and specifically the media, is going mad just to placate a few loonies, CNN tweeted about a report on cervical cancer screening aimed at 'individuals with a cervix'.

Or 'women', to use the terminology preferred by non-insane people.

CNN struggle to grasp reality.

Unsurprisingly, this led to well deserved mockery of CNN, and it also inspired the #IndividualWithACervixSongs hashtag. Here are some of my favourites...

"You’re once, twice, three times an individual with a cervix." 🎵

Dead Men Tell No Tales

Dead Men Tell No Tales
by Charles Fudgemuffin

Good news! My latest book, 'Dead Men Tell No Tales' was released last week. Without giving away too many spoilers, the title of the book gives a slight hint as to the direction the plot may possibly take.

Anyway, to publicise 'Dead Men Tell No Tales', this week's blog post takes a light-hearted look at the subject of death...

1) Wild advice

If you encounter a polar bear in the wild, lie down and pretend you're dead.

It's good practice for when you'll be really dead, two minutes later.

2) Silly questionnaire

I've featured stupid questions before on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog, but the following question found on an insurance application form has to be the stupidest of them all...

Funny football chants

A new season of football action gets underway this weekend with the Community Shield*, and thankfully this season the fans are finally back.

* Previously known as the Charity Shield until the FA had to change the name because it didn't meet the standards set out in UK charity law.

"Hooray! The government have given football fans
their permission to go to football stadiums again!"

So to celebrate the return of football fans to stadiums, this week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog takes a look at some of the amusing chants sung by football supporters in the days before governments got to decide whether supporters were allowed into grounds...

1) After signing Brazilian winger Richarlison, Everton fans came up with a song in honour of their new signing (sang to the tune of She's Electric by Oasis):

"He's Brazilian. He only cost £50 million, and we think he's *cough cough* brilliant. Richarlison."




2) Leeds United fans came up with a twist on ‘You've Lost That Loving Feeling’ when they played Coventry City who had just sold Peter Ndlovu and Noel Whelan:

“You've lost Ndlovu and Whelan. Oh, Ndlovu and Whelan. You've lost Ndlovu and Whelan. Now they're gone, gone, gone, woah-oh-woah...”

How to be a rebel! (part 2)

May 29th is an important day for fans of avocados, because today is National Avocado Day!*

* Seriously, I'm not making it up. Check out the link below if you don't believe me:
nationaltoday.com/national-avocado-day

Given that I occasionally use national days as the inspiration for blog post ideas, you may therefore be expecting me this week to publish a blog post about avocados. However, you'd be wrong, because this week I'm not going to write about avocados, or indeed any fruit/vegetable.

Instead, in an act of rebellion, I'm going to write about how to be a rebel. To start things off, here's one creature that is definitely an inspiration for all budding rebels...

1) Rebellious seagull

This seagull doesn't play by the rules!

"Squawk! Taxation is theft! Squawk!"

I can't help thinking that it's a bit pointless having a sign telling seagulls they're not allowed, primarily because all the seagulls I've ever encountered have been unable to read signs.

Funny courtroom quotes (part 4)

"How did you become deceased?"
"Someone took a wild stab in the dark."

It's time for another round-up of funny courtroom quotes featuring stupid questions by lawyers, and a few equally silly answers from witnesses...

1) Before and after

Lawyer: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?"
Witness: "Yes, sir."
Lawyer: "Before or after he died?"

I'm going to take a wild stab in the dark and guess 'before'.

Emoji quiz (part 2)

Today the world celebrates World Emoji Day! So to join in with the fun, this week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog features another emoji quiz.

The categories are movies, TV shows, video games, and books, so take a look at the following emoji clues and see if you can work out what answers they represent.

Category 1: Movies

As with last time it's movies to start us off. Most of these emoji clues represent fairly famous movies, so even if you haven't seen them all you should hopefully have heard of most of them, but number four in particular might be a bit tricky.

"Why did the dinosaur go to bed?"
"Because he was tired."

1) ⚔️ (🌎🌍)

2) 👦✂️✋🤚

3) 🦖🏞️

4) 👴👨👦👶

5) (🤤🍲) (🕹️🎮)

Learn 32 French words in seconds!

In a few days' time on July 14th it will be Bastille Day, also known as the National Day Of France, so to celebrate, this week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog features a quick French lesson teaching you how to say 32 words in French.

Le French fries.
(Not really. The correct translation is actually
'les frites'. French people don't bother
clarifying that French fries are French.)

Even if you're not very good at learning new languages, I guarantee you should have no problem memorising the following French words...

English     French

ambulance = l'ambulance
animal = l'animal
biscuit = le biscuit
bracelet = le bracelet
centre = le centre
certain = certain
chance = la chance
difference = la difference
direction = la direction

Anagrams

What do Charles Fudgemuffin and 'A Cheerful Mind Guffs' have in common?
The answer is they're both anagrams of each other!

Welcome to the town of Anagram.
Please drive curly flea.

This week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog takes a look at anagrams. As I often like to do, however, I've included a twist. One of the following 'anagrams' isn't actually an anagram. See if you can work out which one it is.

To start things off, this first anagram suggests that reports of Elvis' death may be greatly exaggerated...

1) 'Elvis' is an anagram of 'lives'.



Then again, this next anagram provides a less optimistic answer to the question 'Is Elvis still alive?'

2) 'Elvis Aaron Presley' is an anagram of 'Seen alive? Sorry, pal.'

Random thoughts (part 10)

It's been ten months since I featured my last round-up of random thoughts, and since I average around one thought per month that means I've now had enough random thoughts to put together another blog post of random thoughts!

"Don't worry! I'll watch your things for you!"

This week's collection of random thoughts features such random subjects as identical twins, butlers, and to start things off, a beach based random thought...

1) Misplaced trust

On the beach I've often been asked by complete strangers to watch their stuff while they go in the sea for a swim, because they're afraid that a complete stranger might steal their stuff.

How do they know I'm not the stranger they're afraid of that would steal their stuff!?

2) Impeccable timing

News reports often refer to an untimely death. That begs the question, is there such a thing as a timely death?

10 jokes about writers

It's officially National Writing Day in a few days' time (June 23rd), so to celebrate here are a few jokes about writing and writers...

A touching story.

1) I'm currently reading a book written in Braille.
It's a touching story.



2) I recently read a novel about a man who had a small garden.
It didn't have much of a plot.



3) Eleven vowels, 17 consonants, an exclamation mark and a comma appeared in court today. They are due to be sentenced next week.

Funny things kids say (part 9)

According to the saying, "Kids say the funniest things," so as has become quite a habit on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog, here's another collection of funny things kids say taken from the internet and real life...

"You could reach it if you weren't so nearly tall."

1) Height is in the eye of the beholder

To start things off, here's a unique perspective from my cousin's 3 year old daughter...

Grandad: "You're short."
3 year old: "No, I'm not short. I'm nearly tall."

She's definitely a 'glass half full' kind of person!

2) Library larcenists

If you don't follow @XplodingUnicorn on twitter, then you're missing out on amusing tweets like this one from a trip to the library...

5 year old: "How much does this book cost?"
Me: "It's free."
5 year old: "Are we stealing?"

Accidental Partridge

Alan Partridge returned to our screens recently with another series of This Time, but sadly this week it comes to an end. So for any Alan Partridge fans out there, here are a few examples of Accidental Partridge to keep you going until series three.

At the end of the article you can vote for your favourite Accidental Partridge example, and to start things off here's a classic Accidental Partridge example from The Guardian...

1) "A cup of tea is a hot, wet, aromatic Swiss army knife"

I'm not sure the metaphor really works, which to be fair, only makes it even more of a contender for Accidental Partridge!

Despite the ridiculousness of the headline, it still makes more sense than anything else ever published by The Guardian.

Amazon ███ ██████ have acted in a way which I find somewhat frustrating.

I'll get straight to the point. Amazon are ██████! (Editor's comment: Charles, you can't say that! I've therefore taken the liberty of censoring your comment, and replacing it with the following more diplomatic response.) Amazon have acted in a way which I find somewhat frustrating.

 
Now allow me to go into more detail as to why Amazon are ██████ have acted in a way which I find somewhat frustrating.

'A nice fifteen minute story.'

Just one of many reviews which give subtle clues that
'How To Poison Your Husband And Get Away With It'
is a story, not an instruction manual.

A few years ago I published a humorous short story entitled 'How To Poison Your Husband And Get Away With It (A Short Story)' on Amazon. My short story had lots of positive feedback from readers and received a number of four and five star reviews, some of which I have included in this blog post.

Obviously to anyone with half a brain it was obvious that 'How To Poison Your Husband And Get Away With It (A Short Story)' was a fictional short story and not a 'How To' guide. However, to clarify that it was a short story, I took the following actions:

1) I included the parenthesised words '(A Short Story)' in the title.
2) I categorised it in the 'fiction' category.
3) I included the following disclaimer in the blurb:

Funny football quotes (part 12)

I traditionally like to mark the end of the football season with a football themed blog post, so as the Premier League comes to an end this weekend, here's another round-up of amusing quotes from football managers, players and pundits...

Another football season comes to an end.

1) “Without being too harsh, Croatia were appalling.”
…Teddy Sheringham gives his extremely unharsh assessment of Croatia's performance.



2) “If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day.”
…Neville Southall reveals his strange sleeping patterns.



3) “If that had gone in, it would have been a goal.”
…David Coleman

Cats and dogs (part 3)

Some people describe themselves as cat people. Some people think of themselves more as dog people. But whatever you are, cats and dogs are both totally cool pets, so in honour of our pets, here are a few more random thoughts and observations about cats and dogs.

"Shark! Come here, Shark!"

1) Taking a dog named Shark to the beach is a very bad idea.



2) Why can't you buy mouse flavoured cat food?



3) In the Toy Story universe, dog toys have a horrifying life.

Random conversation starters

As the lockdowns come to an end, you may find yourself once again being invited to public gatherings with friends and families. As it's been so long since we were all allowed out to socialise, some people may find that they're a little out of practise at the art of conversation.

"If I could invite five dead people for a meal,
I'd choose people who don't like eggs!"

If that applies to you, then here are a few random conversation starters to help get the discussion going...

1) If you could bring back five dead people and have a meal with them, who would you choose?

A girl I used to work with answered this question on facebook. For her 'meal with the dead', she named four famous people and also her Auntie Muriel.

Rather amusingly, her Auntie Muriel replied, "Thank you for thinking of me."

Oops! Looks like she wasn't quite dead yet! #HardToKeepTrack

Star Wars pants game quiz (part 2)

One of my previous blog posts which gets quite a few page views is the Star Wars Pants Game quiz. To recap, the Star Wars Pants Game is a quiz where you switch one word from a famous Star Wars quote with the word 'pants' and people have to guess the original quote.

"These aren't the pants you're looking for."

In a few days' time it's officially May The Fourth Be With You Day, so I therefore figured this would be an appropriate time to feature another Star Wars Pants Game Quiz!

1) "These aren’t the pants you’re looking for."
...Obi-Wan Kenobi

A) Easter eggs
B) Christmas presents
C) Droids

2) "Uh, we had a slight pants malfunction, but uh… everything’s perfectly all right now."
...Han Solo

A) Weapons
B) Light saber
C) Windows update

Weird Google searches (part 5)

In the past I've looked at amusingly weird Google searches such as 'Why is Santa fat?' and 'My PC is on fire'.

"I'm not an alco... *hic* alco... *hic*
alcoholic songbird! I'm an alcoholic owl!"

This week's blog post features a slight variation on the theme. Instead of looking at intentionally weird Google searches, this week I take a look at a selection of perfectly normal search terms which some internet users didn't quite type correctly.

1) To Kill A Mockingbird

There's nothing weird about searching for To Kill A Mockingbird, and in fact it's a very popular search term with an average of 450,000 searches per month.

Not quite as popular, but still clocking in with a rather impressive 12,100 searches per month, is the search term 'Tequila Mockingbird', presumably from readers who obviously think the book is about an alcoholic songbird! Apparently, a significant number of readers also seem to think the book is an instruction manual, judging by the 27,100 searches each month for 'How To Kill A Mockingbird'.

Silly tautologies (part 3)

Regular readers of the Charles Fudgemuffin blog will be aware that when a blog post gets several views I often like to 'listen to the market', and feature a follow-up blog post on the same theme.

Tautology = Needless repetition

My 'silly tautologies' blog posts have received quite a lot of page views, so with that in mind, this week's blog post is another collection of silly tautologies*.

* I'm sure everyone already knows, but just to clarify, a tautology is a needless repetition of a word or idea in an unnecessarily repetitive manner.

1) DC Comics

The 'DC' in DC Comics was originally short for Detective Comics, so the full name of DC Comics is Detective Comics Comics!

Five stupid sayings (part 5)

The English language has many silly expressions, and I've highlighted some of those expressions before on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog.

This swan is certainly having a good go
at trying to wrap its head around it!

This week I add five more stupid sayings to that ever growing list of silly expressions.

1) "I can't wrap my head around it."

This is a saying which is used to mean, 'I can't understand it,' but taken literally it's a rather bizarre saying.

Of course you can't wrap your head around something. The toughness of the human skull kind of makes that a bit tricky!

April Fools Day pranks (2021 edition)

Devious deception for the purposes of spreading misery and evil are definitely bad, and should always be frowned upon.

However, good natured pranks which the recipient finds amusing are a nice way to bring more smiles into the world. Here are a few pranks from this year's April Fool's Day...

1) Mashed Potato flavour ice cream

Mash Direct started the day by announcing an exciting new mashed potato flavour ice cream! Perhaps even more disgusting was their carrot and parsnip flavoured ice cream, and to complete the disgustingness they also revealed their new gravy topping! Gravy on ice cream? I don't think that's going to catch on.

It all sounds absolutely minging, but thankfully it wasn't real, and it was purely an April Fools Day prank.

Mashed potato flavoured ice cream ... mmm!

Get it while it's warm!

The Fudgemuffin search engine

This week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog has an exciting new announcement. I'm launching my own search engine!

After carefully considering what to name it, I eventually decided to name it after myself ... Fudgemuffin!

The 'Fudgemuffin' search engine.

Business ideas such as this one cost a considerable sum of money to get up and running, but I've got a lot of confidence in this venture. I've therefore invested several thousand pounds into the project, so hopefully it goes well.

The 'Fudgemuffin' search engine has only been up and running for a short time, so obviously as you'd expect the traffic volume has been fairly small so far. However, Google also started small, and look where they are today!

Funny name changes by deed poll (part 2)

Thousands of people in the UK change their name by deed poll every year. In most cases it's because of marital reasons, but in some cases, the person in question has simply decided to bring a bit of fun and humour to life! Personally, I don't see why people can't just stick to ordinary normal names like myself, Charles Fudgemuffin.

"Spam, spam, spam, spam..."

Anyway, this week on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog it's time for another round-up of funny name changes by deed poll...

1) Mark I Love Spam

Monty Python loved spam so much that they wrote a sketch and a song about it, but the Monty Python team aren't the only ones who love spam. A man formerly called Mark Benson loves spam so much that he changed his name by deed poll to Mark I Love Spam.

Apparently, his wife is also a fan of spam, because Mark and his wife, Mr And Mrs I Love Spam got married at the Spam museum in America.

No Smoking Day (Part 2)

It's No Smoking Day in a few day's time (March 10th, 2021), so this week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog takes a light-hearted look at quitting smoking.

1) Grateful funeral home

To start things off, here's a clever advert from a funeral home...

"Thank you for smoking."

On second thoughts, actually it's not that clever after all, because Beckman-Williamson Funeral Homes are effectively tring to discourage new customers! Or at least postpone them.

10 Chinese code words to avoid censorship (part 2)

Unlike in Western countries **shifty eyes**, censorship in China is rampant, with the Chinese regime removing anything and everything from the internet if they think it might be even a tiny bit critical of their authoritarian actions.

This week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog takes a look at c*de words
used to beat c***orship by the authoritarian Chinese gove***ent.

So to fight back, clever Chinese people have created an ever growing list of code words and phrases to get around the censorship. Here are a few more examples...

1) Sensitive porcelain = Censored words

In a move worthy of a scene from the movie Inception, even the phrase 'censored words' is censored by the Chinese regime! So to get around the censorship, Chinese internet users refer to censored words as 'sensitive porcelain'.

It may at first seem like a strange term, but the reason for this coded phrase is that the Chinese words for 'words' and 'porcelain' are homophones, i.e. they are pronounced the same, but they are written with different kanji symbols.

Trivial 999 emergency calls: A true or false quiz!

I've featured trivial 999* emergency calls before on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog, and I've also featured true or false quizzes on the blog. However, this week is the first time that I've combined the two in a 'trivial 999 emergency calls' true or false quiz!

* Or 911 emergency calls for the benefit of our American readers.

Another batch of 'emergency' calls.

Take a read of the following trivial emergency calls and see if you can guess whether they're actual real calls made by foolish people, or whether I've just made them up. You can find the answers at the bottom of the quiz...

1) When I was a lad...

"What time are children allowed out until? Is there a specific time for them to come in?"

For the benefit of whoever made this 'emergency' call, please be aware that the emergency call line is not a substitute for Google! Or common sense, for that matter.

But was this an actual real call, or have I just made it up?

True or false?

Confusing perspective (part 2)

Photos with a confusing perspective have featured before on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog, and this week they feature again. At first glance the following images are not quite what they seem...

1) Bananaconda

Imagine the shock you'd get if you grabbed this 'banana'!

Banana constrictor.

"Passssss me a banana, please."

On second thoughts, I'm not hungry after all.

Credit: reddit

Old words that are dying out

A few years ago one of my work colleagues was feeling annoyed with her doctor, so I told her about a clueless doctor I had once seen called Dr Burke. I joked, "Burke by name, berk by nature!" The girl I worked with was confused by my comment and it turned out she had never heard of the word 'berk'.

An old typewriter for typing old words.

For the benefit of anyone else who has never heard of the word 'berk' it means an idiot, but anyway I was shocked to discover that apparently berk is a word that some younger people have never heard of.

As it turns out, my former work colleague isn't the only one to have never heard of some older words. According to a survey by Perspectus Global, here are a few more words that people aged 18-30 have never heard of:

1) Balderdash (27%)

When I discovered that 27% of 18-30 year olds have never heard of the word balderdash, my first reaction was, 'That's balderdash!"

For the benefit of anyone in the 27%, balderdash means nonsense. It's not a word I've ever personally used myself, but I think it would be cool if more people used it, because it has an amusing ring to it. It's the sort of word that just makes you smile by the sheer ridiculousness of it.

Balderdash!

I tend to associate the word 'balderdash' with posh people, so maybe it's not just a generational thing as to why so many younger people have never heard of it.

Weird headlines (with a corona virus theme)

The corona virus produced a number of weird headlines during its peak. Here are some of the weirdest, and for every headline, I've provided a link for proof.

1) German cafe reopens but makes customers wear pool noodles on their heads

This one had me giggling away to myself at how utterly crazy it would be to sit in the cafe pretending everything's normal when everyone has got these stupid foam noodles on their heads!

If it was me, I would be laughing too much to eat my food. Judging by the people in the photo though, they seem to be fine with it.

I think it would be pretty cool to carry on this tradition once the corona virus is over, just for the pure comedy value of sitting in a cafe eating your food with brightly coloured foam noodles on your head!

Headline: German cafe makes customers wear pool noodles on their heads

Name fits job (part 2)

A topic I've featured before on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog is the subject of aptronyms, and as regular Charles Fudgemuffin readers may remember, an aptronym is a 'name which is appropriate for its owner'.*

* Or if you're clever, you might have known that anyway, even if you don't read the Charles Fudgemuffin blog!

Anyway, there are many more people in the world who have names which fit their jobs, so here's another round-up of aptronyms...

"Say cheese fromage!"

1) Mr Fromage the French cheese maker

Bruno Fromage was the former Managing Director of Danone, a food company that makes cheese and other dairy products!

To make Mr Fromage's name even more appropriate, Danone are a French company!

Have you never ... ?

Previously on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog I've advised readers to never trust the polls. However, this week I'm going to be a hypocrite, as I take a look at polls investigating various things that people have never done.

The following statistics and are collected from various surveys, research and studies*, and reveal the percentage of people that have never done certain activities!

Even adults can climb trees!

* Conducted by Resolution Foundation, Honest Organic study, Ofice for National Statistics, Kayak, Ginger Research, Iceland, O2, You Gov and others.

1) Never climbed a tree = 67%

Incredibly, two thirds of adults have never climbed a tree! Wow! They don't know what they're missing!

Obviously I don't climb trees nowadays, because I'm old and boring, but when I was young I used to frequently climb trees, and I kind of assumed it was just part of being a kid. If you ask me, anyone who didn't climb a tree as a child had a deprived childhood.

Things that unintentionally made me laugh (part 2: How to survive an ice age)

I recently watched a very amusing TV show which I felt deserved credit for how much it unintentionally made me laugh. The show in question is Snowpiercer, so here's a short summary of the plot:

"Oh no! There's an ice age. What shall we do?"
"I know! Let's build a train!"

Scientists try to save the world, but it turns out they're clueless muppets and they end up making an ice age by mistake. So to survive, mankind decides to build a train that goes round and round the world.

You know, as you do when there's an ice age!

I imagine the planning stage, when faced with this ice age, went something like this: