Quirks of the English language (part 4)

English can be a strange and confusing language, with lots of weird and wonderful quirks. This week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog highlights a few more of those quirks.

A baseball player strikes the ball to avoid a strike.

1) Cucumber as a cool

The sentence, "Are you as cool as I am?", can be said backwards and still makes sense.

2) Contradictory language (part 1)

strike

Verb
1. To hit.
2. To miss in an attempt to hit (esp. baseball).

15 Alan Partridge quotes (part 2)

A new Alan Partridge series was announced this week; 'And Did Those Feet... with Alan Partridge', a spoof documentary which follows Alan as he reintegrates into life in Britain after a year working in Saudi Arabia.

There's no release date as yet, however, so for any Alan Partridge fans, here's another selection of Alan Partridge quotes to keep you going until 'And Did Those Feet' hits our screens.

Alan Partridge discusses hawks.

1) "Today's sad story is from Deidre Thomas from Dibbs Lane in Holt. 'Dear Alan, I want to be as honest as I can with you, so I hope you'll understand that I'd rather remain anonymous...'"



2) "My greatest achievement is my consistent resistance to dumbing down. I think if anything, I’ve tried to dumb up."



3) To a hawk at a bird sanctuary...

"I'm sorry Mr Hawk, your pardon has been turned down. You have been found guilty of premeditated homicide of a mouse, and you will be hanged by the neck until dead. And don’t try to hover up so that the rope goes slack. They could do that, couldn't they?"

Library humour

Libraries have a reputation for being somewhere where you can read books. Deservedly so, some would argue.

However, libraries can also be a source of humour, as the following memes demonstrate...

1) Mystery humour

To start things off, here's a book category which does exactly what it says on the tin.

Credit: imgur

Mystery by name...

...mystery by nature!

Funny sports quotes (part 2)

I often feature funny football quotes on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog, but this week I spread the net further afield as I round up a collection of funny quotes from a variety of miscellaneous sports.

To start things off, here are a couple of tennis quotes which made me chuckle...

Remember John Lloyd's advice!

Tennis:

1) "It is vital in a match like this that Chris remembers to breathe."
...John Lloyd.

I would say that was vital in any match!


2) "Every player can serve over 125 miles."
...Roger Federer.

Wow! 125 miles? That's a very far serve!

They did the math(s), badly

When someone has analysed the statistics to arrive at an accurate and impressive conclusion, we sum that up by saying, 'They did the math(s)."

* In the UK, we say 'they did the maths'. In the US, it's 'they did the math', so delete as appropriate based on your location.

An empty Emirates Stadium, after Mikel Arteta implements
a mathematically impossible selection criteria.

However, not everyone that does the math(s), does so correctly. Here are some examples where they did the math(s) ... badly.

1) No players

Here's a quote from Mikel Arteta which suggests he plans to field a team of no players, after failing to understand the basic rules of percentages.

Mikel Arteta: "My philosophy will be clear. I will have everyone 120% committed, that's the first thing. If not, you don't play for me."

Footballers are known for their intelligence **shifty eyes**, so presumably the Arsenal players ruled themselves out of contention...

"Sorry, boss. The most I can possibly be committed is 100%, so I'm afraid I can't play."

Breaking news...

We interrupt this blog to bring you the latest news headlines. Please note, all but one of the following news stories are actually fictitious fabrications created purely for the purposes of daft amusement.

The police working tirelessly.

1) The police are looking for a man who has been stealing the wheels off police cars.

A police statement read, "We are working tirelessly to catch him."



2) A fire broke out at a local yodeling school.

Everyone was asked to exit in an orderly orderly orderly manner.

Funny things parents say (part 2)

Kids say the funniest things, but so sometimes do parents. Usually when they're describing funny things their kids did. This week the Charles Fudgemuffin blog highlights a few such examples.

A perfect likeness!

1) "If you ever find yourself feeling over-confident, ask your kid to draw a picture of you."

Credit: @TheDad




2) "I love getting the opportunity to teach my children life lessons in real-time like you don't overhand throw a ball to someone when you're 6 inches from their face."

Credit: @TheMomHack