Funny things kids say (part 9)

According to the saying, "Kids say the funniest things," so as has become quite a habit on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog, here's another collection of funny things kids say taken from the internet and real life...

"You could reach it if you weren't so nearly tall."

1) Height is in the eye of the beholder

To start things off, here's a unique perspective from my cousin's 3 year old daughter...

Grandad: "You're short."
3 year old: "No, I'm not short. I'm nearly tall."

She's definitely a 'glass half full' kind of person!

2) Library larcenists

If you don't follow @XplodingUnicorn on twitter, then you're missing out on amusing tweets like this one from a trip to the library...

5 year old: "How much does this book cost?"
Me: "It's free."
5 year old: "Are we stealing?"

Accidental Partridge

Alan Partridge returned to our screens recently with another series of This Time, but sadly this week it comes to an end. So for any Alan Partridge fans out there, here are a few examples of Accidental Partridge to keep you going until series three.

At the end of the article you can vote for your favourite Accidental Partridge example, and to start things off here's a classic Accidental Partridge example from The Guardian...

1) "A cup of tea is a hot, wet, aromatic Swiss army knife"

I'm not sure the metaphor really works, which to be fair, only makes it even more of a contender for Accidental Partridge!

Despite the ridiculousness of the headline, it still makes more sense than anything else ever published by The Guardian.

Amazon ███ ██████ have acted in a way which I find somewhat frustrating.

I'll get straight to the point. Amazon are ██████! (Editor's comment: Charles, you can't say that! I've therefore taken the liberty of censoring your comment, and replacing it with the following more diplomatic response.) Amazon have acted in a way which I find somewhat frustrating.

 
Now allow me to go into more detail as to why Amazon are ██████ have acted in a way which I find somewhat frustrating.

'A nice fifteen minute story.'

Just one of many reviews which give subtle clues that
'How To Poison Your Husband And Get Away With It'
is a story, not an instruction manual.

A few years ago I published a humorous short story entitled 'How To Poison Your Husband And Get Away With It (A Short Story)' on Amazon. My short story had lots of positive feedback from readers and received a number of four and five star reviews, some of which I have included in this blog post.

Obviously to anyone with half a brain it was obvious that 'How To Poison Your Husband And Get Away With It (A Short Story)' was a fictional short story and not a 'How To' guide. However, to clarify that it was a short story, I took the following actions:

1) I included the parenthesised words '(A Short Story)' in the title.
2) I categorised it in the 'fiction' category.
3) I included the following disclaimer in the blurb:

Funny football quotes (part 12)

I traditionally like to mark the end of the football season with a football themed blog post, so as the Premier League comes to an end this weekend, here's another round-up of amusing quotes from football managers, players and pundits...

Another football season comes to an end.

1) “Without being too harsh, Croatia were appalling.”
…Teddy Sheringham gives his extremely unharsh assessment of Croatia's performance.



2) “If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day.”
…Neville Southall reveals his strange sleeping patterns.



3) “If that had gone in, it would have been a goal.”
…David Coleman

Cats and dogs (part 3)

Some people describe themselves as cat people. Some people think of themselves more as dog people. But whatever you are, cats and dogs are both totally cool pets, so in honour of our pets, here are a few more random thoughts and observations about cats and dogs.

"Shark! Come here, Shark!"

1) Taking a dog named Shark to the beach is a very bad idea.



2) Why can't you buy mouse flavoured cat food?



3) In the Toy Story universe, dog toys have a horrifying life.

Random conversation starters

As the lockdowns come to an end, you may find yourself once again being invited to public gatherings with friends and families. As it's been so long since we were all allowed out to socialise, some people may find that they're a little out of practise at the art of conversation.

"If I could invite five dead people for a meal,
I'd choose people who don't like eggs!"

If that applies to you, then here are a few random conversation starters to help get the discussion going...

1) If you could bring back five dead people and have a meal with them, who would you choose?

A girl I used to work with answered this question on facebook. For her 'meal with the dead', she named four famous people and also her Auntie Muriel.

Rather amusingly, her Auntie Muriel replied, "Thank you for thinking of me."

Oops! Looks like she wasn't quite dead yet! #HardToKeepTrack

Star Wars pants game quiz (part 2)

One of my previous blog posts which gets quite a few page views is the Star Wars Pants Game quiz. To recap, the Star Wars Pants Game is a quiz where you switch one word from a famous Star Wars quote with the word 'pants' and people have to guess the original quote.

"These aren't the pants you're looking for."

In a few days' time it's officially May The Fourth Be With You Day, so I therefore figured this would be an appropriate time to feature another Star Wars Pants Game Quiz!

1) "These aren’t the pants you’re looking for."
...Obi-Wan Kenobi

A) Easter eggs
B) Christmas presents
C) Droids

2) "Uh, we had a slight pants malfunction, but uh… everything’s perfectly all right now."
...Han Solo

A) Weapons
B) Light saber
C) Windows update