Football top tips

A new season of the Premier League recently kicked off, so as I often like to do on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog, this week's blog post has a football theme to it. It's a theme I've featured before, as this week I round up a selection of top tips for footballers, pundits, managers and fans.

"See! I told you I was a referee!"

1) Fouled footballers. Try clutching the correct part of your body as you writhe in simulated agony in order to give your claim more credibility.




2) Fool people into believing you’re a football referee by spraying shaving foam on their shoes.




3) Arne Slot and Ange Postecoglou. Buy a dog so you can practise keeping hold of a lead.




4) Disney executives. Offer Alexander Isak a role in the next Star Wars movie as a stormtrooper!

A footballer rolls down the stairs.

5) Convince your work colleagues that you are Brazilian football star Neymar by rolling down four flights of stairs and into the car park when the paper tray on the printer touches your leg.

Legal disclaimer: Sadly, this tip could get you confused for many top footballers nowadays.




6) Boyfriends. If your girlfriend is the star goalie for her local football team ... she's a keeper!

A creative goalkeeper, pictured yesterday.

7) Traffic wardens. Don't bother putting a penalty on Marcus Rashford's car if it's illegally parked.

He'll only miss it.




8) Creative goalkeepers. Don't think outside the box.




9) England fans. Watch the World Cup while at the hairdressers. The highlights are better!




Finally, here's some useful advice for any football pundits who don't know what they're talking about and are just bluffing their way through it...

Football pundits share their insight with the viewers.

10) Football pundits. Don't know what you're talking about? Want to sound like an expert? If you're asked what a team need to do to get back into the game, just simply roll the dice to select one of the following cliches to convince viewers that you're a football 'expert':

i) They need to ask more questions of the defense.
ii) They need to show greater intensity.
iii) They just need a bit more quality in the final third.
iv) The goalkeepers haven't been tested enough.
v) They need to be faster on the transitions.
vi) They need to get more bodies in the box.

Whether you prefer blog posts on the theme of football, or blog posts featuring top tips in general, then either way we've got you covered below:
Funny football quotes
Top tips