Random thoughts (part 5)

Here's another batch of random thoughts on random unconnected subjects...

Mmm!!!

1) Mirror, mirror

Technically, every mirror you buy at a store is in used condition.



2) Udderly ridiculous

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'Hmm, I think I'll squeeze those dangly things and then drink what comes out.'?



3) Warning sign

People who say, "If you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best," generally don't have a 'best'.

24 John Motson quotes

Footballing commentator legend John Motson, or 'Motty' as he's also known, retired last weekend after 50 years of commentating on football.

So in honour of Motty, here are a some of his more memorable quotes from over the years...

A football stadium in the truest sense of the word.
Whatever other sense of the word there might be, I'm not sure.

1) “In a sense it's a one-man show... except that there are two men involved, Hartson and Berkovic, and a third man, the goalkeeper.”


2) “You couldn't have counted the number of moves Alan Ball made. I counted four and possibly five.”


3) “It's a football stadium in the truest sense of the word.”


4) “So different from the scenes in 1872, at the cup final none of us can remember.”

Hidden Android Easter eggs.

The Android. A short story.

My latest short story, 'The Android' is released this weekend, so sticking with the theme of androids, here's a guide on how to unlock a cool hidden Easter egg found within the Android operating system.

The process is the same for every version of Android...

1) Go into settings.

2) Tap 'About tablet' or 'About phone'.

3) Tap 'Android version' or 'Firmware version' several times very quickly.

'Settings' / 'About tablet' / 'Android version'

Top tips

Here are a few silly light-hearted top tips covering such random subjects as ghosts, parenthood, and hospital car parks.

Three apples.

1) Discover what you'll look like ten years older by having kids then looking in the mirror six months later.


2) Pretend you're a professional tennis player by asking your greengrocer for 3 apples and then rolling one back to him.


3) Husbands. When your wife asks you, "Do you prefer this outfit or this outfit?" simply choose any outfit at random because she won't pay any attention to your opinion anyway.

Random Star Wars thoughts

This coming Friday is Star Wars Day (May 4th), so in honour of Star Wars Day here are a few random Star Wars thoughts:

Ffffkrrrrshhzzzwooooom ... woom ... woooom.

1) In the light saber battle at the end of The Empire Strikes Back, Darth Vader cuts off Luke's right hand.

However, it wasn't all bad news for Luke, because he would still be able to type Star Wars on a keyboard! That's because all of the letters in 'Star Wars' are on the left hand side of the keyboard!


2) Why don’t jedis use the force to press the button and turn off their opponent’s lightsabers?


3) Luke Skywalker would have looked like a right idiot if he had missed his shot on the Death Star after he turned off his targeting computer.

True or false: Weird national days

There are some weird and wacky national holidays to celebrate seemingly almost everything imaginable, so in recognition of these weird and wonderful national days, this week I spotlight some of the most weird of the lot. However, to test your detective skills, I've also thrown a few fake days into the mix.

So how astute are you? Which of the following are real national days, and which are just silly fictitious days which I've just made up?

"Why thank you! Very kind of you to notice."

1) Jan 24th - National Compliments Day

This is a cool day - a day dedicated to paying compliments to your friends and colleagues. So in honour of National Compliments Day, I'd like to say "Well Done! Great job!" to whoever invented this day.

National Compliments Day - True or false?

Things that come in twos

The Boy With Two Heads
... a short story about a boy with two heads.

Many things come in twos. For examples, gloves, socks, tennis players, and salt and pepper shakers.

Another thing that comes in twos, is the number of heads on the boy with two heads! The boy with two heads is the star of my latest short story called, surprisingly enough, 'The Boy With Two Heads'.

So on the theme of twos, here's a random selection of other things which come in twos...

1) Gloves

Unless you're Michael Jackson!

If your girlfriend has a pair of these, she's a keeper.