Karl Pilkington quotes

The Charles Fudgemuffin blog has previously paid tribute to geniuses such as Albert Einstein and Stephen Hawking with a collection of their quotes. So continuing on that theme, here's a collection of quotes featuring the wisdom of  ... Karl Pilkington!

"I Spy with my little eye,
something beginning with N."

1) "Imagine being a stick insect, walking about. You'd be forever going, "Is that what's-his-name?"



2) "We've invented most of the stuff that we need and now we're just messing about."



3) Talking to a tribal chief in Vanuatu…

"He told me they speak the language of Ninde. He said everything begins with the letter ‘n’. A palm tree he pointed to was called a nimdimdip. We saw naho, which is a fruit, and he pointed out a leaf that was called nooholee. I said that playing 'I Spy' here would be tough as you’d be guessing all day. He agreed."

"How do I look?"

4) "I had some post delivered today. It was addressed to Mr. K. Dilkington. It said, 'You are a very valuable customer.' I threw it away."



5) "I've never seen a worm and thought, 'That looks like an old one.'"



6) "Ties. I don't know how they ever caught on. It's the garnish of clothing."



7) "They crossed a Labrador with a Poodle to make a Labradoodle, so you can get the temperament of a Labrador with the tight hair of a Poodle. They should cross a Labrador with a Husky for blind people who are in a rush to get somewhere."



8) "Jellyfish are 97% water or something, so how much are they doing? Just give them another 3% and make them water."

"Be positive!? My friend's just been stabbed! What's positive about that!?"
"No. B positive. Is that his blood type?"

9) Filling in an application form at a dating agency...

"They're asking for my blood type. I've never heard that. I've never heard someone say, "It wasn't working." "Oh, why?" "Wrong blood type."



10) "People who live in glass houses have to answer the door."



11) "You cannot use a bed without a mattress, is what I'm saying, so don't sell it without it."



12) Dealing with seasickness…

"The pill still wasn’t helping me feel any better, so I tried the Fisherman’s Friend sweets I’d brought along with me. They did no good whatsoever either. I don’t know why they’re aimed at fisherman if they don’t help against seasickness. It’s not even as if the fisherman market is a massive market. They may as well make sweets aimed at lollipop men."

"Five pence! Apparently that's all we're worth!"

13) "Why are people scared of pirates? If they were knocking about now they'd be claiming disability."



14) "At the end of the day, that's the good thing with animals. They don't judge you, do they?"



15) Finally, Karl mocks the ridiculous logic of the carrier bag tax...

Shop keeper: "You're killing turtles with free carrier bags! If you want to kill a turtle that'll be 5p!"
Karl: "Right, so I can kill a turtle for 5p, can I?"


It's Karl Pilkington's birthday next week (23rd September), so if you're reading this Karl*, happy birthday!

* Admittedly, it's a long shot.

You can find more wisdom from Karl Pilkington below:
An Idiot Abroad quotes