"I don't speak Japanese."

My silly hypothetical tattoo.

I'm not really a fan of tattoos as from a fashion point of view I tend to change my opinion of what I like every six months, so something as permanent as a tattoo would be a bad idea for someone like me who changes their mind so often.

However, if I was ever going to get a tattoo then I like Japanese kanji, and I also like daft tomfoolery, so I'd probably go for something which combined the two...

"I don't know.  I don't speak Japanese."

Funny football quotes (part 2)

A collection of football quotes to round off the season.

Another football season comes to a close.

If there’s one thing you can rely on from footballers and managers, it’s that they often come out with daft quotes. Back in August, to celebrate the start of the football season I illustrated this fact by posting a selection of funny football quotes from a variety of managers, footballers and commentators.

Today sees the final day of the Premier League, so to round off the season I thought this would be an appropriate time to post another batch of amusing football quotes from various pundits, players and other football related celebrities. A few of these had me chuckling as I was typing them up, so hopefully a few other people will likewise find them as amusing as I did.

1) "Well, Clive, it's all about the two Ms ... movement and positioning."
...Ron Atkinson


2) "No regrets. None at all. My only regret is that we went out on penalties. That's my only regret but no, no regrets."
...Mick McCarthy

"And the award for the most stupid question ever goes to..."

Beer, a drink commonly found in most pubs.

In one of my early books, two of the characters discuss the top three most stupid questions they've ever been asked. I won't reveal the questions here, but you can trust me that all three of the questions were very stupid questions indeed (and each was inspired by real life).

However, I can safely say that all three of those questions were well and truly beaten for stupidity by a stupid question I heard the other day when I was out at the pub watching the football.

To set the scene, me and my mates were sat at the back of the dining room in the pub, and a couple were sitting at the table next to us with their young son who must have been no older than six years old. At one point during the match the parents disappeared, presumably to go and order food, leaving their child sat at their table on his own for a few minutes. 

Strange Google searches (part 3)

Hitmen, Three Legged Dogs And Pregnant Men

Searching for a hitman.

A few months ago I published a post called 'Santa Claus, camper vans and Swedish girls' which discussed some of the weird searches made on Google every month. I then followed this up over Christmas with a post devoted entirely to Santa related searches on Google. As there are hundreds of weird Google searches made every month I thought it was time for another post along the same theme.

1) I’ll start off with a rather worrying search term.  This one is especially worrying when you consider that it gets 9,900 worldwide searches per month:

‘How do I hire a hitman?’

Even more worrying is the fact that this search term has a competition rating of 0.05* so whilst by no means the most competitive search term on Google, there nevertheless must be some businesses looking to advertise on this search term! What sort of businesses they might be I dread to think.

* Google assign all of their search terms a competition rating to allow advertisers to assess which search terms are the most popular with other advertisers and therefore the most competitive to advertise against.