Funny football quotes (part 3)

Two footballs, pictured yesterday.

From time to time I feature amusing football quotes on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog, and as a new season of the Premier League kicks off today, I thought it would be an appropriate time to round up another batch of daft football quotes to celebrate the start of a new season.

However, to make things a bit more interesting I've also included one made-up quote. All except one of the following quotes are real, so see if you can guess which is the made-up quote…

1) "They're the second best team in the world, and there's no higher praise than that."
...Kevin Keegan


2) "I don't want Rooney to leave these shores but if he does, I think he'll go abroad."
...Ian Wright


3) “I would have given my right arm to be a pianist.” 
...Sir Bobby Robson

Everything you ever wanted to know about...

Which of the following book titles would be least likely to be a commercial success if it was published as a kids' book?

Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About...

At the moment I'm currently proof-reading my latest scifi comedy book ready for it to be published on Amazon within the next couple of months.

At one stage in the story, the main character recalls a kids' book which he once wanted to buy for his nephew as a joke present. In his opinion the title of the book in question was a totally ridiculous idea for a kids' book and he jokily mocks how daft an idea it was to publish a kids' book about a subject which kids will clearly have no interest in.

This was based on a real book which I saw in a book shop one day, and the main character's mockery was fine when it was just in draft form and I was the only reader. However, now that I'm at the stage where my book is actually about to be published and other people will be able to read it, I feel a bit sly about mocking a real book. I'd therefore feel more comfortable changing the name slightly and using a made-up name for the book.

Daft office pranks (part 3)

Yet another example of office related japery.

This daft trick requires fast typing skills.

Readers of my blog may recall that from time to time I like to write about various childish tricks that I used to play on people when I worked in an office.

This next daft office prank is another trick which I used to play back when I used to work for the council on the pensions team. Anyone who’s worked in an office will have probably come across at some stage the use of shared spreadsheets which everyone in the office has the ability to update. A consequence of this is the possibility that on occasion you will try to get into a shared spreadsheet but unfortunately someone else will already be using it which means it’s locked for editing. In those cases Excel will give you a message along the lines of:

Scary kids' stories

Warning: This article contains spoilers for the movie Cloud Atlas.

Cloud Atlas

I recently watched the movie Cloud Atlas and although it was an enjoyable movie which I would recommend seeing, one of the questions I had about the movie was the closing scene. As anyone who’s seen Cloud Atlas will know, the movie tells six different stories and edits them together in small segments as if you were channel-hoping between all six stories.

Anyway, at the end of the movie the final scene shows Tom Hanks' character from the post-apocalyptic storyline sitting round the campfire apparently telling his grand-kids the stories we have just watched. The kids obviously enjoy his tales as they excitedly plead with him, "Tell us more, grandappy! Tell us more!"

At first I thought to myself, ‘Ar, that’s nice,’ but then later on the thought occurred to me, ‘Hang on a second! I’m not sure that’s a realistic response for a kid to have after just being told the stories from Cloud Atlas.’

Just to give an example, the second story involves an aspiring composer who's happy to sleep with just about everyone in order to further his career. He then gets blackmailed by his boss and so he shoots his boss, then goes into hiding for a couple of weeks and then finally he commits suicide by putting a gun in his mouth and shooting himself through the back of the head. Is that the sort of story which would have kids responding, ‘Wow! What a great story! Tell us more!’?

Even more signs from around the world

Crocodiles, unnecessary epithets and draconian punishments.

Following on from my previous posts entitled ‘Signs from around the world’ and ‘More signs from around the world,’ I’ve now collected together even more photos of signs from around the world. After much thought I've decided to call this post ‘Even More Signs From Around The World.’

1) God loves everyone. Even solicitors!

The first photo is a religiously themed photo which demonstrates that apparently God’s love knows no limits.

God loves everybody. Even solicitors, apparently.

A few quirks of the Korean language

Strange vowels, hand necks and the 'f' rule.

As a fan of the Swedish language, I've previously featured a few posts collecting some of my favourite Swedish words and expressions. However, I've come across lots of other cool languages and cool linguistic expressions on my travels, so I thought I would take this opportunity to expand beyond the theme of Swedish and cover a few other languages.

First up are a few quirks from the Korean language...

"I'll have a vowel please, Carol."

1) Vowels and consonants

Something I found weird when I first visited Korea was that in the Korean language, 'w' and 'y' are classed as vowels. I'd come across 'y' being classed as a vowel when I went to Norway, but it seemed a bit weird for 'w' to be classed as a vowel. To me with my English background, 'w' should blatantly be classed as a consonant.

However, when you analyse it it's not as daft as it seems...

10 nerd jokes (part 1)

Binary code ... or is it?

Last week I rounded off my post '10 things in life worth knowing' with a daft nerd joke regarding binary code.

I have to admit that I've got a bit of a soft spot for nerd jokes, so this week I thought I would round up a few of my favourite nerd jokes and puzzles in a post creatively entitled '10 nerd jokes'.

Also, just to clarify, this time I'm talking in decimal rather than binary code, so this time there are actually ten rather than two. Non-nerds are therefore advised to stop reading now.

Some of these are quite old so apologies if anyone's heard most of them before, but anyway here are a few of my favourite nerd jokes, featuring maths, hadrons, and pizza.

1) There are 10 kinds of people in this world...
Those who know binary code and those who don't.


2) Two scientists walk into a bar. The first scientist says, "I'll have some H2O."  The second scientist says, "I'll have some H2O too." Then he died.