Saturday, 15 August 2015

A Level Results Day

Identity theft, large pizzas and dubious hearing...

This week thousands of teenagers around the country received their A level results, so I thought this would be an appropriate time to feature a collection of jokes on the theme of education.  However, the first two statements actually have an element of truth to them...

If you look closely, you can see the marine biology
student's grades just below sea level.
1) What the teacher says: "Your homework tonight is to read pages 17-25."
What I hear: "No homework tonight!"

2) What the teacher says: "Your homework should be 4-6 pages long."
What I hear: "Your homework should be 4 pages long."

3) Why did the marine biology student drown?
His grades were below C level.

4) I was too nervous to open my A level results, so I asked my Geordie mate to read them out for me.  I don't know if I got As or Es!

5) If sleep is good for the brain then why is it not allowed at school?

6) Maths problems...  The only place where someone can buy 80 pineapples and nobody wonders why.

7) Breaking news: A school teacher has been found guilty of cloning kid's bank accounts for financial profit.  Police say it's a case of Miss Taking Identity.

This pizza is so large it could probably feed a family of twenty!
8)  What's the difference between a BSc in Media Studies and a large pizza?
A large pizza can feed a family of four.

Note to any Media Studies students who are reading this.  I love entertainment related media, so this isn't intended as a dig at your chosen subject.  Rather, it is intended as a dig at the limited opportunities in the media industry.

9) A mathematician and an accountant apply for the same job.  The interviewer asks the mathematician, "What is 250 x 4?"  The mathematician immediately replies, "1000."  The interviewer then asks the acountant the same question, "What is 250 x 4?"  The accountant replies, "What would you like it to be?"

To round things off, here's some cautionary advice with a Lord Of The Rings theme...

10) What did Gandalf say to the students who didn't revise for their exams?
Thou shalt not pass!

Finally, if your results weren't quite what you were hoping for, then here are a few examples which may give you some encouragement...

1) Jeremy Clarkson got a C and 2 Us for his A levels.  Today he is worth a reported $50 million, and that figure is likely to increase dramatically with news of his recent deal with Amazon.

2) Simon Cowell left school with two O levels*.  Today he is worth an estimated £300 million.

* For the benefit of any younger readers, O levels are basically what GCSEs were called in the olden days.

3) Robbie Williams left school without any qualifications.  Today he is worth an estimated $200 million.

4) Alan Sugar left school with no qualifications.  Today he is worth an estimated £770 million.

But despite Jeremy, Simon, Robbie and Alan's financial success, as an adult I'm still contractually obliged to recommend working hard at school/college!

Footnote: Also, in my opinion money shouldn't be the barometer with which we judge success.  Smiles are more important than money.

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About The Author

The 'How To Save The World' books
by Charles Fudgemuffin
Charles Fudgemuffin is the author of the alien comedy 'How To Save The World' books which are available for Kindle from Amazon.  The first book in the series is available from the following link:
How To Save The World: An Alien Comedy

As with all Kindle books, you can also download a free sample of the first few chapters.

Please note, the 'How To Save The World' books contain material suitable for ages 18+ and are not recommended for prudes or squares.